Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she could have chosen a different day to tell me she is pregnant?

193 replies

Butterbeansontoast · 17/07/2024 06:59

I have a friend/work colleague who I used to be quite close to. We would meet regularly outside work and support us through some difficult times. These days I would class her more as good work colleagues but we occasionally still meet up and chat outside work.

My DH and I have been going through IVF and are just recovering from our 5th failed transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. She knows about our fertility struggles. It was my birthday yesterday and DH had organised a little trip away which is a rare treat due to the financial burden of IVF. She knew how excited I was about it and how I felt I needed the break to get away from it all.

She choose the day of the trip to text me excitedly that she is pregnant. I opened the message thinking it was a happy birthday message. I am of course really happy for her but found it so difficult to put my head into my day and enjoy it carefree as my thoughts kept wandering to her announcement. She then texted later in the day with ‘oh happy birthday btw, pregnancy brain already kicking in’.

I am more than prepared to be told AIBU (and I know I am) as she can of course announce whenever she feels like it but part of me wishes she would have waited just one day especially as she knew how important it was for me.

OP posts:
CelesteCunningham · 17/07/2024 13:32

I don't know @Sparklybanana , I conceived easily each time but was still not a dick to the friends and relatives who were struggling.

I suspect this is more of a selfish bitch thing than a fertile person thing.

Sparklybanana · 17/07/2024 13:29

I genuinely think that people who don't suffer from any issues getting pregnant just don't understand the full depth of feeling that it invokes. In their mind - you talk about pregnancy so you be delighted that they are pregnant. In your mind, they may as well have cheerily told you they've murdered your mother.
The jealously, the grief, the anger that promises of "when you have kids" has been broken, and then wrapping that up in a ball of hormones and expenditure and obsession- it's enough for the strongest of people to curl into a ball and just cry. You aren't being unreasonable, but she's also just in a different plane of thought. I'd ask if she'd refrain from complaining about pregnancy though as it's hard for you to deal with.
Good luck. A chemical pregnancy is still a big deal.
For what it's worth, an endometrial scratch worked well for me before ivf, as did both of us losing a stone (not that I was overweight), which resulted in a non ivf pregnancy after trying for 10 years.

rallyup · 17/07/2024 13:08

@ByLoudSeal seen your latest - ignore me

rallyup · 17/07/2024 13:06

ByLoudSeal · 17/07/2024 11:24

I don’t understand what the big deal is about announcing pregnancies. Babies are born literally every day

Tell me you've never struggled with fertility, without telling me etc.

Ansion · 17/07/2024 13:06

If you know someone has fertility problems, you do not send them excited texts announcing your pregnancy. It really is not that difficult.

rallyup · 17/07/2024 13:04

Laiste · 17/07/2024 08:12

God that's really really shit and i feel for you OP Flowers

I endured a surprise announcement by BIL and SIL at a family meal out for SIL's b.day. The scan photo handed round the restaurant table. DH and i were a week after a late loss after trying for 2 years. They knew this. They're nice people, but even though that was 12/13 years ago i can still remember the pain. Then a month after that other SIL got preg. 😫

Struggling with TTC can make us very very sensitive and emotional and unless you've been through it in some way it's impossible to know how it can effect you.

More Flowers OP

I think I would have had to leave the table. Unimaginably painful

cantpullthetrigger · 17/07/2024 12:36

I ended a friendship over something similar once. Was in the midst of a dreadful miscarriage at 12 weeks after IVF.

Reached out to two close friends and one replied with zero empathy at all, along the lines of 'nice to hear from you, couldn't wait to let you know, I'm 18 weeks pregnant...'

Selfish and thoughtless. You don't need people like that in your life.

ByLoudSeal · 17/07/2024 12:31

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 17/07/2024 11:28

As in you don’t understand why people bother announcing, or you don’t understand why someone who is desperate to be a mother and who has endured five failed rounds of IVF and who is on a rare treat away for her birthday might be upset by her friend inserting her pregnancy announcement into her head…?

Show quote history

The first one

CoraPirbright · 17/07/2024 12:16

On your birthday? When you were away on a special trip because the most recent round of IVF had not worked??

I think the posters on here saying that she is merely being thoughtless are being very generous.

FlickFlackTrap · 17/07/2024 12:14

Sorry OP but I can’t see any excuse for her behaviour. She’s no friend.
I’d hope she reflects on what she’s said over the next few days and apologises. If not I’d be distancing myself.
So sorry you’re having a tough time 💐

Shielehdie · 17/07/2024 12:11

YANBU, that was thoughtless on her part and the ‘pregnancy brain’ comment was really rubbing salt into the wound.

I’m so sorry about your losses ♥️

TigerJoy · 17/07/2024 11:53

mynameisnot · 17/07/2024 07:39

I appreciate you're struggling but...I'm guessing she's told other people and wanted you to find out from her rather than second hand, so thought best to tell you by text while you have your DH with you? Being honest, there was never going to be a good time for you to hear this news, and it might have been worse to hear it at work and then have to get on with your working day. It sounds like she's given you loads of support, and now she's sharing the best thing that ever happened to her and you're rewriting history in your head to make here 'self-centred' because despite what you say obviously really you're not happy for her and you wish she wasn't pregnant. It's OK to feel that but I think YABU and unfair to your friend.

Yes, but that's not how you say it. You send an email saying "I know after your struggles with IVF that the news I've got to give you might be difficult for you, so I wanted to send an email so you could digest it privately." Then saying you're pregnant, and that you hope that friend will get pregnant soon, and asking how much baby news friend can handle.

I had an email like that and it made me feel so loved. I had a very bad afternoon of crying and feeling angry, and then I got over it, sent her an email saying how happy I was for her and then I was happy for her. But her email acknowledged how hard the news might be for me, which was crucial.

Just announcing it - and ON HER BIRTHDAY??? - needlessly cruel. She could have sent it the day before or after.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 17/07/2024 11:28

ByLoudSeal · 17/07/2024 11:24

I don’t understand what the big deal is about announcing pregnancies. Babies are born literally every day

As in you don’t understand why people bother announcing, or you don’t understand why someone who is desperate to be a mother and who has endured five failed rounds of IVF and who is on a rare treat away for her birthday might be upset by her friend inserting her pregnancy announcement into her head…?

ByLoudSeal · 17/07/2024 11:24

I don’t understand what the big deal is about announcing pregnancies. Babies are born literally every day

ByLoudSeal · 17/07/2024 11:23

She announced to you that she is sexually active lol

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 17/07/2024 11:22

I’m pretty robust about things like this and seeing as this woman knows what you’re going through, she’s a selfish twat. Truly.

KimberleyClark · 17/07/2024 10:54

KimberleyClark · 17/07/2024 10:46

Unbelievably callous OP. I’ e been where you are and it hurts so much when people are insensitive like this. Hope you are enjoying your trip. 💐

Also hope you have good news soon.

KimberleyClark · 17/07/2024 10:46

Unbelievably callous OP. I’ e been where you are and it hurts so much when people are insensitive like this. Hope you are enjoying your trip. 💐

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/07/2024 10:39

ChristmasFluff · 17/07/2024 08:42

OP. if you read 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck it will explain the type of person you are dealing with here. It's exactly the kind of thing these people do, because it spoils things for people and messes with their heads, whilst still containing deniability of the intention to hurt.

Few people understand how psychopaths work, so they are explaining this away as thougtlessness/ 'doing their best'. It's actually calculated and cruel. If someone did this to me, I'd be cutting them off.

No-one 'forgets' that a friend/colleague has struggles with infertility, so it was insensitive anyway. but to choose your birthday getaway as a time to announce it? Yeah, far more going on here than just being thoughtless.

I’m actually more inclined to agree with this post since your most recent update. What a horrible woman she is!

YOYOK · 17/07/2024 10:35

I’m sorry, that was extremely unkind. It could have waited a day or two. I don’t think it was just thoughtless, I think it was quite spiteful. I’d be reconsidering my friendship, to be honest.

Despite this, I hope you’ve been spoilt on your birthday and enjoyed your break away.

Brefugee · 17/07/2024 10:35

Happy Birthday, OP. Sorry about the failed IVF

Your "friend" was an insensitive oaf. And because i am direct about things, at some point i'd be telling her that. You may have a different approach.

circular2478 · 17/07/2024 10:31

It was very insensitive especially on your birthday.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 17/07/2024 10:09

It's the "pregnancy brain, oops hehe" bit that would really stick in my craw. It's just so effing smug.

I'm really sorry, OP. YANBU.

Janey3090 · 17/07/2024 10:08

YANBU op, it was very thoughtless of her. Not sure what she was thinking with the second message too!

I really hope you get success in your IVF journey soon 💗

Apollo365 · 17/07/2024 10:08

Usually these are a bit dubious, but I completely agree here YANBU.