To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

Depends on their age, the disposition of the child, how their lives will be affected afterwards, whether 'anyone else' is involved and whether the parents are handling it civilly.

Yes they adapt, they have to, but there will always be a trauma there, just as there will be for the divorced parents themselves. For some much worse than others.

No, it's not a lie, many do.
It will depend to some extent on their ages and what has led up to the divorce, but mostly it will depend on the behaviour of all the adults around them - mostly their parents, but to some extent the extended family too.

Depends on the marriage beforehand and the aftermath.

If in a volatile toxic household then it’ll probably be a relief for a divorce for all involved.

If in a ok/plodding along type household followed by a divorce which results in numerous step parents/relationships/blended families stuff then the kids will probably be longing for the days of the plodding along secure unit they came from.

It’s very grey. But a secure consistent and stable primary residence is the required foundation.

They don’t really have a choice, do they?

I suppose the question is whether they can adapt and flourish and be happy.

That’s the million dollar question. We’ll never know how things may have turned out had we gone back and done things differently.

I think that they can. My parents were in a nonviolent marriage and I never heard them raise a voice to one another. Their split was a huge shock which took me about a month to get used to. I can now see that it was the best thing they ever did for us children, and I'm so so grateful that they taught us that it's okay to choose happiness and contentment, and not to waste lives on an unhappy match.

The thing is, without the divorce then they would have to adapt to living in a household with parents who don't like each other. That's pretty horrible.

It’s a grey area, it’s not a yes or no answer.

it depends what the marriage and family life was like pre divorce. If the kids had a picture perfect happy home life or lived with constant arguments etc.

it depends on how both the adults handle the split. If they’re respectful to each other and keep it civil for the children or if they use the children as weapons and drag them into the drama.

I don’t think they are ever fine. They will tell you they are, but they aren’t really. My parents married and divorced/ remarried 3 times each throughout my lifetime (so far!) and each time it was really, really awful despite their best effort to keep things ‘normal’. Even now though I would never admit this to either of them as I don’t want to upset them.
Kids may ‘adapt’, but don’t kid yourself that it’s not hugely damaging, particularly for teens.

Depends on the kids, depends on the divorce, depends what they're adapting to.

If you're considering divorce, the alternative isn't a perfect, happy family either.

Looking around my adult friends, some are fine after their parents divorced, others less so to varying degrees, some had parents who stayed together for the kids and suffered because of that.

It depends on their age, and whether the children's best interests are kept at the centre of decisions. Ones I know where the children have adjusted the best are those where they have a clear main residence where they sleep most of the time, rather than shuttling between one house and another. And a clear predictable contact schedule with the other parent, where they are very sure they will show up. No arguments in front of the children, no criticism of the other parent in front of the children, respectful supportive grandparents etc.

In my experience, not always. Though it depends on the age too, the younger the better.

But they often get really good at acting like everything's ok so paying close attention to behaviour and emotions is needed so you can address issues as they come up.

Yes they can, generally, as long as the parents don't weaponise or project onto them (both of which happen far too often unfortunately). Also, the younger the kids are, the easier they adjust.

I don’t think it’s a lie though. Kids do adapt, and will adapt most easily if they are secure in the knowledge they are loved and accepted by both parents.

I agree with pp it does depend.
However, they don't have much choice but to adapt when their parents get divorced or break up do they? And I say this as someone who got divorced with a young child many moons ago.
Honesty, calm, discussion and just cracking on with things as normally as possible helps them to adapt. Drama, bitching, venomous comments about the other partner and arguments do not help them to adapt.
We all have a choice as adults.

I think it’s very dependent on how amicable the separation is and how well the parents can co-parent. Any ongoing conflict will make a difficult transition/new normal much harder. (Personal experience from my childhood).

It depends very much on how the divorce is handled, surely? I coparent incredibly well with my exdh and we have the most amicable divorce I think I have ever known. It has not been without its huge emotional turmoil for everyone involved though. I think my dc will have been affected by it, but they would have been affected living with two increasingly unhappy parents. I hope we have had minimal negative impact and shown them resilience and modelled healthy relationships and friendships in the post divorce phase.

It depends.