To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

So what do we do? I don't want to be with my husband any more, and the longer I stay with him the more of my money he's somehow entitled to, despite contributing almost nothing himself. I wouldn't want one of my kids to stay in this relationship. But at the same time it seems it would be best for them if I did? And then how does that work if you separate once they're adults? That they might suddenly perceive the whole of their childhood as a lie?

I wish I could magically make my marriage ok again, but I can't. And I don't know what to do for the best for my children, who matter more than I do.

And what does your judgemental relative think happens to children in unhappy homes?

Edit to say: that also makes no sense. Kids in year 3 are 7-8 years old, for it to be the seven year itch the parents would have to be conceiving pretty damn fast into their relationship....

My parents stayed together and honestly it's had a really negative impact on my sibings and I. Three of us in our 30s, with not one single normal healthy loving relationship between us, ever, in our whole lives. We are all confused. We don't know what love is supposed to look like, and we wasted so many years looking for it in the wrong places because we believed that the sham of a relationship our parents showed us was the goal. I've ended up in a relationship exactly like theirs (worse, in fact): cold, no affection, constant jibes and taunts. My sisters have had a series of weird long distance relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and we're all in therapy.

A relative of mine was a TA for a number of years in a year 3 class. Year 3 is a crucial ‘seven year itch’ time for many couples and they split up. She witnessed this many times and she said without exception, the children were damaged in some way and never the same again. She said it was so sad to see normal kids lose a little bit of their light and some really dipped in their school work, just because of the choices of the adults in their life.

My ex DH and I (and his new wife) get on incredibly well. We co-parent as a three, and provide loving homes for our two children who are adored and well-supported emotionally, financially and practically by 3 strong, happy, loving adults.

Both kids are incredibly happy, healthy, well-adjusted children with confidence and emotional resilience, good mental health, secure friendships, very happy at school, lots of hobbies, no health probs, well-rounded.

I don't really understand couples who divorce well. If I got on well enough with him to divorce amicably - I would 100% stay.

I think that this is naive. A couple might hate each other so much that spending every day together is impossible, but be perfectly able to keep up the pretence of not hating each other for the 10 minutes a week you spend at handover. If you both love your children and genuinely want what is best for them, then why would you make the divorce difficult? The uglyness is over, the relationship and all it's unhappiness is done, you go your own ways and all you have in common are the wonderful children you both adore. Surely you can do that bit well, even if the relationship was awful.

With respect, unless you’ve been in that position (as I have), you can’t know what you’d do. It’s all very well saying “if this then that” but you have no way of knowing.

But from a child’s point of view all that they see is that one of their parents didn’t love them enough to stay in the family unit.

Obviously I’m not talking about where there is abuse etc. However if one parent goes off with an affair partner or wants to ‘find themselves’ then the child sees it as they weren’t enough for that parent to stay.

I don't think they adapt. I think they do a good job of pretending that they have. Unless the marriage was obviously and visibly abusive, and the children were aware of that, they would prefer their parents to stay together. At our school, in counselling sessions, children of all ages talk of having to pretend that they're happy with the new arrangement. On most indicators, children of divorced parents do worse.

I'm divorced by the way, four children. So I want to believe that they adapt but I don't.

A negative toxic environment is not good for kids, be it a bad divorce or a bad marriage.

And, kids notice everything, even if don't rationally know what they are seeing or why they feel like something is wrong ( because they are too young), and they may not tell you until they are much older, or if ever.

They have no choice and because they are child it is extremely difficult for them to understand their own difficulties and comprehend them. I hate it when people say "kids adapt so well". They aren't given a choice.

Oh I also need to add that surprisingly issues in marriages even if not directly to do with the kids affects them in huge ways.

One of my best friends since childhood had an idyllic family. Mum, Dad 2 kids (boy and girl). Grandparents lived around the corner. Middle class home with a very successful family business. They went to disneyworld and skiing often. Mum and dad always seemed very loved up when I visited, cuddling on the sofa. They did things as a family often. Held bbqs etc.

When we were about 16 it came out the dad was having an affair with an employee for several years. Completely devastated all of them. The mum forgave the dad. However my friend completely changed from that day on. She suddenly started smoking when was always anti-smoker. She lost her virginity to a random older guy that she hardly knew. She was very ‘wholesome’ prior to this. She managed to scrap through exams and got a place at uni through clearance. At uni she was doing all sorts of dangerous things and seemed to have developed a hatred of men and a deep distrust. Also hated her dad despite the mum forgiving him.

We’re now in our thirties and she still hasn’t settled and only has casual sex and keeps men at a distance. She openly says the affair messed her up. Everything she believed was a lie from the one person she trusted more than anyone.

I’ve always found it interesting (as well as sad obvs) because the children aren’t really anything to do with an affair/sex love of parents. Plus the parents made up and are still together to this day. Yet it still affected her so.

Of course they adapt but those adaptions might not be positive. Eg. Extreme people pleasing and suppression of your emotions as a way of making yourself more palatable to your absent parent. Or seeking out relationships with distant men as an adult.

Often parents especially don't like each other post-divorce either, which can be very painful.
I remember growing up having to deal with each parent bad-mouthing the other. It wasn't pleasant.

As others have said, it depends how it's handled.

My parents divorced in the 60's
it was a done deal that I only understood later.

As a teen I was INCREDIBLY angry with my mother
once I became a parent I realised how utterly impossible my father was.

He is now dead and I miss him
but I know that my mother was absolutely right FOR EVERYBODY
to leave him

I think they can adapt well if the adults in their life behave appropriately.

Once step parents and blended families come along things change and the children probably long for their life pre divorce.

Honestly I think kids do adapt but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change huge things in their lives, outlooks and subsequent outcomes.
I would never say this irl to most people but the adults I know who have witnessed and grown up with parents who have separated in tough circumstances I think they do struggle as adults; I don’t think it’s the actual separation per se but the behaviour that leads to the separation that causes the damage. Just my opinion obv and based on just my own experience.

About half of kids these days have divorced parents. Most are absolutely fine. I'm one myself.

No doubt some do suffer but I think staying together "for the kids" is a bit outdated now, it's normal for a lot of them these days.

I think they adapt much better to divorced parents than to living in a house with frequent arguments, or one parent being abusive - including emotionally - to the other.

They adapt to having at least one peaceful, calm and secure home much better than to living in an atmosphere of tension.

It's a massive adverse childhood event that will affect them long term, there's no doubt about that, and yes I do think we adults tend to tell ourselves the things that will help us deal with that.

The problem with discussions like this is that people aren't clear on what exactly is being compared with what, and that there are three scenarios to consider not two. So if you have a miserable marriage that's causing an awful environment for the kids then divorcing would likely be better than staying, and those are the only choices relevant to that decision. But it's still the case that it would have been better for them to have been raised within a happy continuing marriage. In that sense divorce is "bad" for them.

I asked about this recently (considering pros and cons of separation), with little response, so thank you for this thread. I'm glad to hear honest opinions that it does affect children, but I think the state of the marriage might be key - I'm not convinced that children are as sensitive to all unhappy marriages as folk make out. I have no doubt that my children would be devastated to discover we weren't going to stay together, I genuinely don't think they know that I'm unhappy in my marriage, and that's my job as an adult to shield that from them. Different to an actively violent or toxic relationship