To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

I adapted perfectly fine when my parents split. There’s wasn’t a particularly toxic marriage but I could see it was different to some of my friend’s parents who genuinely loved each other. My parents just tolerated each other pre split, I think. Some people will convince themselves that kids don’t notice bad atmospheres at home, but I certainly did.
Their divorce wasn’t particularly amicable but I still preferred it to them being together.

The common denominator is shitty fathers and combative relationships rather than divorce IMO.

This. It depresses me to read all these threads in which women torture themselves about whether they are damaging their children by taking decisions to safeguard themselves and their wellbeing.

I realise it’s not helpful to whitewash divorce and pretend it has no effect on the children; clearly it can have a detrimental effect.

But in my experience women almost never leave marriages just for self fulfilment. They do so either because there’s no choice or because they recognise that a miserable marriage is not the right environment to bring healthy children up in. And in the vast majority of cases it’s intransigence, greed or immaturity on the part of a man which causes the fallout.

I left my marriage because my husband was an emotionally unstable alcoholic who didn’t contribute either financially or in terms of family life and he was becoming emotionally abusive. I don’t regret leaving him for one second, and I am sure my child has done better in every respect than she would have done if I had grimly toughed it out.

We do need to be alert to the risks to children of divorce but the narrative that it’s an essentially selfish act is unhelpful in my view.

I work in children's MH and see the aftermath. For some it's about their personality, some just yearn for the before. Others, it's the animosity and they end up feeling conflicted and split.

I think the most important thing for dc's is to see an example of a loving, nurturing, equal relationship between their parents. I didn't have that and I feel sad for younger me who tolerated a lot of shit in relationships because i thought it was normal. I thought it was normal that mum did everything while dad sat on the sofa, I thought it was normal for couples to not speak to each other for what felt like weeks. I thought it was normal for dad's to be vile for no reason at all. There was always a tension in the house that I couldn't put my finger on and I was always nervous. Always.
The relationships younger me sought out were awful and it is 100% because of the example I was set at home.
So I don't think you can generalise at all, some parents may be able to hide any dysfunction well and stay together for the dc's sake, some may not but both have to be on the same page and I think that's rare.
Some of the time divorce and seperate houses is absolutely the best thing for everyone.

It very much depends. I agree if the house is a happy peaceful house, despite parents no longer wanting to be together, perhaps it is hard for children who may have been oblivious to the marriage breakdown to see their parents divorce.

However, a toxic atmosphere is not one children will escape. The tension which they may not understand, put words to, be able to explain, WILL be palpable and they absorb it by osmosis and it goes into their DNA.
They are definitely better off being the children of a respectful co parenting agreement.

My daughters very close friend has parents that are divorced and both parents are great. She HATES 50/50....the constant moving and has said that it is very stressful. She wants to stay at her mums once she hits 18 fulltime but knows it will hurt her father terribly. No new partners or siblings.

I think blended familys add a whole new level of stress and trauma to children/teens.
I have friends who suffered it and they all agree it was solely about the adults and THEIR needs being met. Lots of inheritances lost to second familys too, due to parental stupidity.

Anything can cause depression. I have divorced parents and don't have depression. My mum and my uncle (her brother) both have depression and their parents were happily married.

I'm fine as an adult despite a pretty terrible divorce. Things I think helped: I was young, no half siblings, nice step parents who modelled good relationships with my parents, no bitching about the other parent, and my dad kept in very good contact always. Obviously you can't control all of those things for the other parent.

I think there is an element of truth here. I have friends who struggle with depression stemming from their childhood experiences of trying to cope with divorce.

Yeah that’s what I meant. That’s why people should prioritise their spouse to do their best to keep their relationship happy.

I think they do, same as adults do, it takes time but it has to happen, in lots of different scenarios, new schools, new house, etc. nothing ever stays exactly the same, and if kids are being brought up in a household with tension, fights, and no affection, I assume that being brought up in a single parent household that's happy is a better option, and yes, they will get used to it. Same as the adults do

They do eventually but the long term gain of happiness is worth it.

To answer the question in your title - Yes they adapt.
To answer the question in your post - No they don't always adapt easily.

But it's not better to grow up in a home with parents who don't want to be together and are dreadfully unhappy.

It can be done, though it leaves a mark.

We split when DC were under 5, and a few years later they are still primary school age, and having split parents is their normal.

While they do wish their Dad and I were still together, they see a healthy co-parenting relationship, because I have put aside all the hurts and treat my relationship with EXDP almost like an arms length business one; so I'm polite but not overly friendly to maintain the boundaries. We only speak about the DC, and not on a social level. Perhaps things will change when I get a new DP!

I'm never rude to or about DC's Dad in front of them, and I always talk him up in situations where he deserves to be. I am of course sad that our relationship didn't work out, but that shouldn't impact the DC.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and we lived with our mum who suffered from awful depression. I then felt like I had to become the responsible adult looking after her and my younger siblings. As earlier PP said, I learnt to ignore my feelings and certainly never told anyone how I felt. This has had the most profound impact on my life both physically and mentally. I am now married with teen kids and I feel like we coparent rather than have a loving relationship. But we are able to be a team and are financially better off together. Who knows what is right, but the ability of the parents to help the kids transition to the new normal is key. My heart breaks to think of young kids in the position that I was put in.

Yet time and time again on here a good father is one who goes to court to see his child. A shitty father would give up.

obviously I have no idea whether he was shitty or not, but clearly she feels he went to court to punish her mother. Interesting that’s her take and not “he wanted to see me so badly he had to go to court to gain access’ no thought as to why he had to go to court either- if her mum was blocking contact why is it dad that’s the shitty parent?

i am sure my sdc think their dad is a “shitty father”. What they don’t realise is he has done everything he could, while their mum slowly drip fed untruths. They couldn’t have x y and z, because dad won’t pay and I can’t afford it (truth- she took the money off dad and then stopped them from getting whatever it was). Dad is loaded (he’s not- same as he was when they were married). Dad had an affair and left us (truth- she had the affair and kicked him out, having moved all their joint money first).

sdc are obviously pretty fucked up about their “shitty father”, and have cut contact as adults.

i do think there are shitty dads. I also think there are a lot of mums who try and bring the kids to their “side”, without realising how harmful that is.

Personally I think it’s harmful to lie to children about the downsides of divorce. Eg to say its ok because you can still see dad at the weekend. Not living with someone is a massive change - just like if your children were removed and you only saw them once a week, you wouldn’t think that was ok. I think it’s better to acknowledge that some things will be worse and to discuss how to make those more manageable.

I think all of us look back at our childhoods and think about some of the not so great aspects that we wish were better.

My parents stayed married but my father was pretty horrible and I wish he’d left and never returned. We were never close. My friend’s dad left and moved away but went to court to get access every school holidays, she feels it was to punish her mother. She resented the upheaval and would have preferred to stay 100% with her mum and SF, who she was close to. She has minimal contact with her father as an adult. Another friend’s dad left and moved away and rarely contacted her. She feels she has abandonment issues. The common denominator is shitty fathers and combative relationships rather than divorce IMO.

It was in the end, yes.

He wasn't happy for a couple of years. Tbh, I don't think he's cut out for marriage and the compromises it entails. I clung on, trying to make things work for the sake of dd. His resentment built up and up, until he was unbearable to live with, and then I called it quits and asked for a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I've been quite bitter about it, but life's too short, and we agree that we have to put dd first.

I grew up with a very toxic homelife due to my parents shitty marriage. Exh parents divorced when he was very young, and never had a good coparenting relationship, which affected him and his siblings. We both want better for our child.

Nah, sorry, I don’t think my DC are messed up and I don’t think they would say they are messed up, that is doing them an incredible disservice. What they do say is that they cannot imagine me and their father actually being together, it seems weird to them.
You cannot control how the other parent acts, but the thing is, children realise that themselves as they get older. They also have their own friends and social lives and their own aspirations and so on. Their lives do not revolve around me or their dad for that matter, but I am the base to which they return and which provides the stability and that is my role.
So the question for me was not really is it better for my children to have parents who are together or apart, but how can I be the best possible parent I can be? How can I best protect and nurture them and give them the best environment to grow in? I would have liked that to be with their father but that is not how it worked out for many reasons.
Divorcing well is considering all the time what is in the best interests of the children, and being prepared to go to court if necessary to argue that through (although yes, of course, it is better achieved in mediation. But as you say, if a husband was reasonable and the divorce was going to be amicable, then you would still be married).

My 15 yo son has adapted well to living just with me. We are very close. He's doing well at school, is happy, has good friends and lots of interests. He is mature, funny and good company.

He has not adapted to the almost complete rejection of him by his father and I will always hate my ex for that. So damaging.

Our older son (25) knew that divorce was the best option. He has his own relationship with his Dad that I am no part of.

Y3 seemed peek divorce year for DS’s class.

I think people should certainly think more about whether blended families are a good idea or adding further children into the mix post divorce. This is when most adults seem to ignore children from first relationship (after concern for them during the divorce)

I think children do adapt but then that prevents people from getting them the support that they need. My parents divorced when I was young and I ‘adapted’ but I really struggled with it in secret and didn’t get any support which impacted me a lot as I grew older.

I do think a happy home is the best for children, but they come in many different forms. As long as the parents are supportive and perceptive of their child’s needs I think children are definitely able to adapt healthily.

I got divorced a few years ago after a very happy marriage (lasted 20 years). Ex dh wanted to hang onto his affair partner and I decided to leave. Kids were in their teens and teens. They are generally happy but ex dh and I don't talk. I did try but he kept coming over pretending everything was still normal. I got upset and told him to stick to a schedule and he refused. He still sometimes pops in and I just go hide in my room which must be upsetting for the kids. I can't find a middle ground with the idiot as he still wants to work things out. I don't talk disrespectfully about him to the kids but I just don't talk to him. Our son got married and we didn't talk at all.

I’m a child of divorce, I had a great childhood with both of my parents & stepparents. We were loved & happy in both houses. As a woman I appreciate how strong & awesome my mother was in leaving the marriage and I have high standards and boundaries for myself in my marriage. Parents aren’t perfect, they’re just people and sometimes relationships don’t work out, it’s not ideal but it is what it is. Staying in a terrible relationship will mess up kids lives just as much as anything else. Showing them they can have a happy and good life is what’s important not staying together for the sake of it

I don't think they do as much as some people would like to believe.

I also think it's a lot harder than parents realize to not cause stress due to their estrangement. I know my parents tried hard not to allow us to see them disagree etc.and to put our needs first.

But I could tell there was tension, that there was extended family tension that made me uncomfortable, that things were not the same at both households and that my mum did not like what my father did in terms of child rearing, and I also found moving between households in itself very stressful. I was 6, so all of this was stuff I could not explain even to myself very well, but I sensed it.