To want advice before bf moves in?

I know you don’t want to give up your flat but I’m especially struck by your comment that your norm is to each be the guest in the others home. This, and the need to be clear from the start about how to live together as equal partners, makes me think you would have a better chance of achieving that equality if you get a place together that’s new to you both.

Can you rent out your flat and rent somewhere together with your boyfriend for a couple of years. It would give your co-habitant relationship the chance of a new start.

(I moved into a boyfriend’s owned flat many moons ago and it was so hard to fit in around his established ways - we were both miserable and split up within a year)

Honestly it is one of a number of things but I felt after so many years that I was nothing more than the skivvy, the housemaid, and my spare time was spent doing chores or I had to think about all the things that needed doing, while his spare time was his to relax and do what he wanted and he never gave a thought to anything domestic related as if it was ‘beneath’ him. I don’t know if he thought it was, but this is what I felt.

The not picking up after himself or appreciating all my efforts or totally disrespecting them, such as dumping his stuff in the hallway or on the floor instead of putting it away, after a while got really old.

Not the only thing of course but just one of many where I felt unappreciated and used, unequal and like my time didn’t matter.

He can hardly clean or cook for himself though. My fault for sticking around so long! Just don’t fall into the trap of doing everything yourself because it’s easier, because it will quickly become the norm then you’ll end up resenting him

So when my BF moved into my house we discussed the financial side of things and the house work side of things in-depthly. Financially I wanted him to have absolutely no claim to my house if we spit, so I pay the mortgage in whole. He does however put half the monthly mortgage payment into a savings account. The idea being when we are both in a position we feel comfortable being financially tied then he uses that saving pot to buy a percentage of the house. Untill then, it's also a good emergency fund, like when the fridge blew up...
We half all other bills.
This probably doesn't sound right to many people, but works for us as I feel compensated enough for sharing my space with him paying half the other bills, and if/when he pays into the mortgage, it will drastically drop the monthly payments. I feel it also means he doesn't feel tied to me financially if he wants to split. He has the funds to do so.

As for house work, he admits he doesn't like to cook complicated meals, so he takes evenings when I'm out the house and just want something quick when I get back. He usually makes pasta or something else I can easily reheat later. This suits me very well as otherwise I would probably get a takeaway. He does also enjoy helping me cook more involved meals on other nights.
We luckily have a similar tolerance to clutter/cleaning so that's not been an issue for us.

This.

Start as you mean to go on. It's a partnership.

Check the laws where you live. When my boyfriend moved in I didn’t accept rent because I didn’t want him to accrue rights over the property - he paid the bills instead. I had a spare room that he wanted as an office and I didn’t allow that - him having a designated room would have given him rights. Definitely check the laws in case you ever need to get rid!

Dont lose sight of the fact that it’s a really lovely, exciting step to take in the relationship! And don’t let domestic drudgery be all you do - make sure you still do fun things together out of the house.

We definitely had some tense moments because we had both lived alone for about 10 years each. Takes adjusting! Worked for us - we got married and then bought a place together (and I made sure my investment was protected by getting extra paperwork). Good luck, enjoy!

More practically OP we agreed he cleans bathroom and hoovers floors; I do the kitchen and surfaces. Minimum once a week (although flexible if we’re busy, ill or away). I cook Mondays and Thursdays, he does Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It’s that easy - if the person you’re with is a team player and actually does it!

@Desertislandparadise my ex didn't like cooking and I was ok with it, like you say. But then things come up such as:

1. my mum having cancer and wishing someone would make me a nice warm meal after a whole day in the hospital
2. c section - you can't move or stand enough to cook and you really can't just have takeaways, they're gross and you need nutritious food
3. wake up on a Sunday and don't want to be the one getting up to do breakfast again, forever
4. kids. Strict division of chores goes out the window. You need to be a team. And you can't be that if he won't make dinner while you deal with a sick baby or something similar. Plus, if you're the only one cooking, you're also the only one meal planning and thinking of the food shop. It's a real pain in the arse if you have a million other things to do.

Discuss expectations re cleaning and cooking before he moves in, and agree fair division. His attitude and responses will tell you a lot.

But I think the most important thing is whether or not he’s kind and considerate, and wants to pull his weight, and will respect you and your home. Do you get the sense he is?

My DP moved into my home and like you, I have no concerns about finances - we split things in a way we’re happy with. But we are very different! I’m very clean and tidy; he is naturally very scatty and his idea of clean is different to mine. But the important thing is: he cares about my happiness. So he cleans more than he would do if he lived along because he accepts my standards there. And he wants to cook for us. And if I’m ever doing anything round the house, or ask him for help, he helps willingly. I can’t even take out the bin without him trying to take over because he feels bad for not having done it!

So I can cope with the things that aren’t perfect because I know we love and respect each other, and that he wants things to be right, and also because discussing these things never causes a row.

I agree with PP about cooking too, being faced with ‘what’s for dinner’ every night and being the only one to have to think up things to cook is really draining. Especially if he is a fussy eater.

I realise I am projecting/venting a bit here 😂

I found it hard living with my soon to be ex as our levels of cleanliness and tidiness were SO different. I am probably top end of the scale, and he is bottom. I could about cope with somewhere inbetween but he is so fucking messy, and after having spent a couple of hours cleaning him walking on the floor in his muddy boots or dumping his shit everywhere instead of putting it away really got to me. I just picked up after him constantly. He did fuck all, and was happy to watch me do everything because ‘you’re so much better at it than me’ 🤬🤬

Give him some firm house rules, and agree how much he'll contribute each month.
He should pay half for all the utilities/broadband, either half for food or you buy separate food.
Half for toiletries/,cleaning products/cleaner if you have one. Or might need one.
And obviously do half the household cleaning.
If he can't comply with that you should have a written clause that he has to leave!

You need a cohabiting agreement protecting your property. Please don’t ignore me and others suggesting it! Everyone is nice at the start. And he should be saving up money himself, so that you can buy a bigger place together in the future. This is so much more important than who does laundry.

Personally, DH lived with me for 5 years in my house before we moved into a house together and I never charged him rent. That felt off. He paid for a larger share of the food shop, bills, meals out and treats. He also did a ton of maintenance on the house as he's very handy. I was happy with that.

You can't be the only one cooking, trust me, it gets old fast. And when kids come along, making food and food shopping becomes 100x more important and time consuming, you will HATE him if he doesn't pull his weight. You make it clear you expect him to cook. You are both grown ups, with jobs, eating is not optional. Anyone can make pasta, eggs, chilli, roast potatoes, salads, etc.

Same with cleaning. You let go some standards but make sure he does his share. And correct him every time he says he'll "help" or "I'll do it for you". It's pedantic but so much easier to correct these things in the beginning.

It will be easier to give in now and do more than him as you have no responsibilities really, but don't make that mistake for an easy life now.

Trust me, and every woman on MN, once you throw a baby in the mix, a useless man is like an anchor around your neck and it's impossible to change them because you will have more to lose than he does.

Oh. And love too. It's not a business deal.

Don't forget you'll be losing your single person council tax discount. Think about how to protect your investment in the flat in case of a split further down the line. As pp said he will be making a huge saving on rent and no matter how well off you are, you should be seeing a similar saving in your expenditure.

Does he know how to operate a washing machine? Does he know what cleaning products to use for certain jobs? Has he ever cleaned a bathroom himself? Does his mum still do any cleaning or washing for him still? All red flags if the answer is no, apart from the mum one which if the answer is yes is also a red flag.

If you are going to end up having more work to do or having to cook all the time it’s not worth it.

Watch for phrases like ‘oh but you’re so much better at it than me’ ‘I thought you enjoyed cooking/cleaning/washing’ ‘I just can’t do it as well as you’ etc etc

The thing is him living with you will be saving him money. Which is lovely but it should also benefit you. Your giving up your space. You're accomodating him. He shouldn't get to save heaps while you pay everything. Where I live renting a room in a house costs £800 PCM minimum. You don't want to be unfair but you shouldn't be subsidising someone either.

I would get legal advice as to how best to protect yourself. Everyone starts out with the best intentions, but if you're already noticing that he's muddly and can't be bothered to cook.... I would want some pretty firm ground rules and make sure that you're splitting everything 50/50 and not just living expenses.