To want advice before bf moves in?

I think you really need to think hard about living together without knowing where you are headed. that seems off to say but it sounds like you are thinking about this as a trial for a future marriage or permanent cohabitation. But it may not work out.,—children? Breaking up? Both of these contingencies will cause quite a bit of fallout and stress and should be prepared for.

I think what I mean is for you this sounds like a trial run as well as the next step. Is he of the same mind?

much less confident about cooking than I am (lives off ready meals and take out) and more tolerant to mess.

Those are red flags there.

"Less confident about cooking" or just can't be arsed? Do you really need much confidence to cook basic meals? Just follow a YouTube recipe, that would build confidence. But he's chosen to live off take aways instead.

"More tolerant to mess" or just lazy and a bit of a slob?

IMO you want to ensure that if you were away for a month you should return to the house (inc admin) as you left it.

Not Read full thread.

DH could cook 2 things when we started living together.

When I finally admitted I was tired of fecking meatballs every time he got some cookbooks and branched out.

When he randomly said ‘oh, you’re not doing a roast this Sunday’, he ended up doing his first the next…

We’ve always shared housework but work to our strengths. I hate hoovering, folding clothes, making the bed so he does those. He hates washing up, cleaning bathroom and kitchen so I tend to do those (but not always).

IMO it’s vital child/housework is seen as shared. We are both equally responsible. We’ve not argued about this shit at all.

I’m currently on mat so doing maybe 75%? Usually while he has DC, he prefers that to me doing housework + childcare.

20 years together 14 married.

Start as you mean to go on. Compromise on standards (don’t do it all cos his are less).
DONT DO MORE.
oh and ensure he isn’t just gardening DIY, he needs to do day to day stuff too.

Someone suggesting making a rota, don’t do that 😂

you’ll probably have a few teething problems, living together is a different ball game. But make sure you keep it as your house, do not place him on the mortgage or whatever, and make sure he knows that if the relationship doesn’t work out, that he will be the one to move out.

Best advice I can give you is not to get married - if you have kids, chances are it's you who will be disadvantaged in career terms/financially and so if things do go pear shaped down the line, you don't want him having a claim on your biggest asset.
Dont let him finance home repairs/new kitchen as this gives him a claim.
At the same time, he has no security so I think it's fair that he gets to save some money to protect himself, so I wouldn't be charging him market rent.
It's unromantic but a cohabitation agreement lets everyone know where they stand and makes breaking up less hostile than it might otherwise be.
TLDR - hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I think the main thing is accepting people for who and as there are trying to change or “train “ people never works

he isn’t the tidy so has different standards to you and would happily live off ready meals
this is him he isn’t expecting you to cook and tidy for him he’s quite happy with Living like that

I’ll tell you now that dynamic WILL continue .

He won’t clean because he “ doesn’t mind the mess “ or he “ doesn’t see it” or “ he doesn’t know where you keep things / how you like it done “ and he was waiting for you to ask him. Or because you asked him at the wrong time or in the wrong tone of voice.

And it will be the same with the cooking , shopping and laundry.

And of course you will do all the admin, DIY, Gardening, decorating and maintenance because it’s your house.

And you will do all the life admin because he’s not from the UK / he’s busy / you are so good at it / he works shifts / he works 9-5/ he’s not near the shops.

The person with the highest standards always ends up doing everything. And so many jobs are so easy and quick for a woman and so hard / stressful / time consuming for a man, it’s not worth all the aggro and hassle 🙄

You will spend your life asking him to “ help” you and you will grow more and more resentful. The only Way to stop this happening is to

1. sit down and agree it all now. yeah I know it’s not romantic and sexy and cool and fun but you need to start adulting now
2. keep a very close eye on things and act as soon as they slip. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt for one minute.

You are a fool if you don’t get a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor - would you take a job with no contract or buy a car with no paperwork ? Don’t risk your home for some man - I assume you worked hard for it.

I have a similar set up, & it has been established for ten years. My partner can cook, but he is incredibly slow & chooses over-elaborate recipes. We have settled on a system where I mainly cook, he helps & he does most of the washing up. Some days we just do our own thing food wise. My DP actually likes crap like ready meal curries, so this means he gets to still have these, while I can have a big salad, which would not be filling enough for him.
You might want to consider this, as a lot of people are not natural cooks, while I can rustle up an elaborate meal in no time. This approach is less stressful for me, as if I insisted that he cook three times a week, I would get stressed out watching his ineptitude & having dinner at 10pm.
The rest of the chores should absolutely be split 50-50. Just ensure your standards of tidiness are not too different, particularly in common areas, just expect his own spaces ( office, wardrobe) will probably be messy. My DP has an incredibly messy office, I occasionally make remarks, but mostly leave him to it, and close the door. We get on fine with this system.

I would suggest

sit down and talk about how you have different standards and then agree to come to a meeting of the minds on what the basic standards for your joint house situation are.

write down what you both agree that cleaning the bathroom means..floors mopped, tiles scrubbed, bath mat washed etc etc

then do the same for every job

then divide up the jobs and discuss how frequently they should be done, some are daily, some are weekly, some are monthly.

then allocate jobs

then set up your next household planning meeting in a month to review and adjust

The mental load is really important, especially if he is moving into your existing set up. He might put the bins out, but do you have to remind him that it's Monday night? He might be willing to clean the toilet but do you have to ask him and check that it has been done?

The main thing in terms of housework is that he has to learn to notice when something needs done. That's his first job every day when he comes home from work - to notice if there are unwashed dishes, to check whether there's any laundry (that need to go in the machine, taken out the machine, dried, or ironed, put away - the whole lot). To look in the fridge and see if there's milk, butter, eggs, cheese, bread - and if not, to add it to a communal (and visible) shopping list. Who actually carries out the chores can be agreed between you but you need him to take his share of the mental responsibility. Now. Or he may never do it.

Also the admin load. He needs to be aware of when bills are paid and how much they are - if they're all on your account and in your name it is a very easy thing for him to simply transfer £Xamount at the start of the month then never have to think about it again - suddenly it is all your responsibility to check there's enough in the budget, or to deal with price increases, or to manage everything to do with utility supply problems, new broadband, etc... And all HIS personal admin is his: his Mum's birthday, arranging family gatherings.

How open are you going to be about your personal finances? Who has savings? Who spends on coffees, gym membership, meals out? How is that financed? Will you be transparent about debts / credit ratings? Do you both have the same amount of pending money?

Cooking? I'm like you, lovel to cook, happy to do it. But dh CAN cook. He has his own version of a 'Jamie 5 ingredient' list, simple dishes that he loves to eat and that he can do quickly (pasta, lemon, basil, pinenuts, parmsan, crispy bacon). He is responsible twice a week

None of that sounds romantic, but having the mental load shared, not building up resentment, being confident that you have a shared approach to money - all of that leaves you able to devote your creative time to being together, being in love.

Without wanting to be too judgemental, I do agree with a poster upthread that a grown ass man unable to cook and clean is a real turn off, and a real potential problem as a cohabitee. It’s not for us to tell the OP who to date, but I’d be approaching this with extreme caution. She shouldn’t be making compromises on things like being an adult who doesn’t eat crap every night - there’s compromise then there’s pandering to childish behaviour. At the same time it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect people to change, so I’d worry the OP will end up unhappy/a skivvy. There are just too many women who don’t feel their partner pulls their weight and the relationship becomes full of resentment and a trial - and it seems here the OP has a pretty good idea this man can’t domestically look after himself already! He doesn’t sound like a catch, if I’m honest. I really hope he’s lovely it works out for you OP but do take care! 💐

We sat down and discussed chores before we moved in together - 20 years on, we still broadly stick to what we agreed back then, obviously children have added to the list!

I really recommend just sitting down with a list of what needs to be done, agreeing who does what and at what frequency and then just getting on with it.

We play to our strengths but although I do more than half of the cooking - I agree with a PP that it's important that he can cook and more than a ready meal. There are lots of really straightforward meals he can start with - the roasting tin cookbooks are good for this, they are largely about cutting stuff up and putting it in the oven

OP, be careful.

I agreed 50:50 on bills when ex moved in with me. He quadrupled my electricity bill, tripled my water bill, Christ knows what he was doing with it all.
He ate easily 70% of the food, and insisted on 'upgraded' groceries - salmon, leg of lamb, asparagus, etc.. He preferred the village butcher and farm shop.
After 3 months I had to ask him to leave because I couldn't afford to live his way and he wasn't willing to pay his fair share.

Living with someone can be hard- really hard! I think it's made harder when one person moves into another person's home. I would really think carefully about this and consider getting a new place together.

I think you're focusing too much on cooking. Sounds like he isn't a natural cook as such and that's fine, as long as he does the washing up afterwards and pulls his weight equally with other household tasks.

Get a cleaner.

I do agree you can't change anyone. I eventually could not change my exH and I left him. I spent years thinking I was unreasonable and demanding, doing everything at home, while starting a demanding career, thinking "this is how men are".

Then I started dating and it turned out loads of men can cook, clean and be a good partner. I've had none of these problems in my current relationship and I thank my lucky stars I chose to leave exH before having babies with him.

For example with cooking, is it fair for me to demand he starts cooking when he would happily continue eating ready meals? He'd be changing for me, should I compromise?

Firstly, is he like 600lbs? How does a grown man only eat ready meals and takeaways?

Secondly, when you decide to live together, you both compromise. I don't think it's too much to ask that he be an adult and cook.

Thirdly, kids don't eat ready meals. So if you want a man to have a family with, that man needs to do the basics.

Fourthly, what exactly is he compromising on? Because so far, I can't see any compromises on his part.

He grew up abroad in a house with a housekeeper. So it's not that he thinks stuff is "women's work" or nonsense like that, but that he really doesn't know how much work it takes to manage a home. He has a tiny flat and lives off take away, as I've said.

All the more reason to have some difficult conversations and also instill some boundaries early.

I see your point about the cooking - perhaps that’s a seperate conversation. If he’s happy with ready meals then it’s tricky. Does he eat healthily? Is he ok with money or wasting a lot on ready made foods? And will he be happy to benefit when you’re cooking? All these things would give me pause - you don’t want to fall into the role of mother/carer. Does he have any desire to improve/change? To cook for you if it would make you happy?

On the other hand, it’s a good rule of thumb to assume you’ll never change anyone - and certainly not expect it!

So on that note, it also depends how import food is to you. Food is a pretty big part of my life and my values (ethically and environmentally) so I’d struggle being with someone who had a totally different attitude to it. I also love sharing food, enjoying similar things, etc. But everyone is different and it’s not necessarily a big deal for everyone!