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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws invited his ex over while we are here

215 replies

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 17:54

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 16/07/2024 18:33

Dettolallin · 16/07/2024 17:57

I think this sounds like a massive overreaction on your part to be honest. There was no cross over in your relationships, I don't understand why you are so against spending time with this woman.

This. Massive over reaction.

Ottervision · 16/07/2024 18:31

I wonder how her husband feels about it?

Ophy83 · 16/07/2024 18:30

AylesBuck · 16/07/2024 18:13

But then I wonder how it works… there is no feelings left whatsoever? Is your husband ok with it? There is uncomfortable moments ever? And also why in this case the in laws stay in touch? So many questions.

Edited

Show quote history

My husband says he's fine with it and certainly appears fine and chats away happily with my ex. Perhaps he's pretty easy going! But I think he is secure that he is my choice and the person I'm closest to.

NotNowGertrude · 16/07/2024 18:29

I find it strange she is ok seeing her ex who treated her so badly. If I was her I'd never want to see the lot of them again, even if his parents are nice

Polominty · 16/07/2024 18:28

My son has a child with 2 different exes I have a good relationship with both mums, in fact I was out at soft play and having lunch with one of them plus grandchild at the weekend. She’s asked for practical help with my grandchild’s birthday as she doesn’t drive, we’re happy to help. They both ask us occasionally to have our grandchildren to stay over at ours, on “ their” time. We had our oldest grandchild to stay when their mum was in hospital, my son had just started a new job and couldn’t manage it. One of his exes has a child with a new partner I buy this child a wee Christmas and birthday gift. I don’t see anything wrong in keeping in touch with them my son knows I do, I probably wouldn’t throw them together in my house unexpectedly but it wouldn’t be a major disaster if it happened. My son has a lovely new partner who doesn’t have a problem with his exes she’s a confident, intelligent young woman who knows my son is lucky to have her, I like her a lot.

Justcallmebebes · 16/07/2024 18:27

They were together years ago by the sounds of it. Why shouldn't his parents be friends with her and it sounds as though she's back in the area to attend the same wedding?

OP if you take your DC and flounce off, you're going to look ridiculous

SeeSeeRider · 16/07/2024 18:27

@Thatsmybunnysir

I'd probably feel differently if she was less attractive/had an obvious flaw but thats not the case. It's hard seeing someone your DH was with when they are "better" than you.

You do realise how you're coming over with this kind of stuff?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 16/07/2024 18:25

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 18:13

Thanks everyone.

We were originally not coming until Wednesday, we changed our mind and came yesterday instead. Apparently they had messages his ex on Friday and planned her coming round and totally blanked when we came early. I do find it hard to believe she wouldn't message when she was on the way or the morning of to check it's ok?

While they are friends DH hasn't seen her since before we got together other than at a friends wedding so they aren't proper friends.

I'd probably feel differently if she was less attractive/had an obvious flaw but thats not the case. It's hard seeing someone your DH was with when they are "better" than you.

I wouldn't have messaged ahead to confirm if a meet up had already been arranged

It all sounds harmless and very grown up, that everyone can just get along.

Redhil · 16/07/2024 18:23

Dettolallin · 16/07/2024 17:57

I think this sounds like a massive overreaction on your part to be honest. There was no cross over in your relationships, I don't understand why you are so against spending time with this woman.

Oh yeah... a massive over reaction the rest of us are all dying to go to dinner with our husbands ex 🙄

Londonrach1 · 16/07/2024 18:22

Sorry op you ott re this

AnneShirleysNewDress · 16/07/2024 18:21

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 18:13

Thanks everyone.

While they are friends DH hasn't seen her since before we got together other than at a friends wedding so they aren't proper friends.

I'd probably feel differently if she was less attractive/had an obvious flaw but thats not the case. It's hard seeing someone your DH was with when they are "better" than you.

You think she's better than you. Your DH doesn't, he married you, not her. Don't start a fight where there doesn't need to be one.

AylesBuck · 16/07/2024 18:21

It’s not childish. She is uncomfortable, she is uncomfortable… that’s her feelings.

romdowa · 16/07/2024 18:20

I wouldn't be going for dinner , it would be weird and uncomfortable

RaininSummer · 16/07/2024 18:19

I think you are being extremely childish here.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/07/2024 18:18

If I had made arrangements to see sooner I don't check the night before or the morning of that it is still OK.

I ama still in touch with my son's 6th form girlfriend because she was pretty much in my house for 2 whole years and they split on good terms. Fortunately so far none of his subsequent partners have an issue (that I am aware of anyway) with this and they seem friendly with her too.

I suspect it was a shock and I also suspect MIL didn't forget but didn't really realise it would be an issue so don't make it one now otherwise you will be the one coming across as jealous and insecure.

Easipeelerie · 16/07/2024 18:18

Ask people in real life. You’ll get more understanding than you’re likely to here.
Of course it feels weird. She’s an ex who he wants to go out to dinner with even if you stay home. Strange that in-laws didn’t think of you in their planning.

FictionalCharacter · 16/07/2024 18:17

Weird and insensitive behaviour by the in-laws, and very weird of DH to suggest putting her baby in for a nap with yours in your baby's cot.

AylesBuck · 16/07/2024 18:17

My husband ex is definitely not better than me but it will still annoy me… not sure why. Probably, the lack of respect for my territory if you see what I mean 😂

Original poster

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 18:17

Also DH keeps saying that there is absolutely nothing between them anymore. That he probably never loved her as he really hurt her and he couldn't imagine doing to me what he did to her. He says he thinks he was with her because when the "it girl" offers and your young you don't say no even though he wasn't really in the headspace for a relationship at the time.
He also made the point that he hurt her so bad he's surprised she doesn't push him out a window, so most likely also feels nothing towards him.

I asked why they are friends and he said because she's nice/friendly/interesting and they have loads in common, he keeps saying he wants her to be happy and is glad she is and he's happy with me so everyone won in the end.

OP posts:

leopardski · 16/07/2024 18:15

OP I feel like you’re less bothered she’s his ex and more upset about the perceived ‘she’s prettier than me’ - she’s clearly become a good friend to his mum over the years (hamper, visits etc) and you’ve all moved on, married etc.
It could be lovely for you all to hang out! Especially with children similar ages.
Stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to her, absolutely no good will come of it.

Ottervision · 16/07/2024 18:15

Dotto · 16/07/2024 18:12

You are being bitter and unreasonable. Suck it up and make an effort with her. She's done nothing wrong whatsoever.

Doesn't mean op has to be her friend and spend her annual leave with her!

DingleDongBellEnd · 16/07/2024 18:14

I really only have to say one thing here, PLEASE GET OVER IT.

Summertimeinschool · 16/07/2024 18:14

I find this really weird unless there is more of a backstory about why they all want to socialise together.

BloominHeather · 16/07/2024 18:14

I think your in laws are being very insensitive. Keeping such a close relationship with the ex and not even caring enough to see how this would impact on you, their son's wife , when you are suddenly thrown together.

But I would be really annoyed at your DH if I were you. Not very nice at all that he is so keen to go to the meal and very disrespectful of your feelings. Surely he can see how uncomfortable the whole situation is for you..

Original poster

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 18:13

Thanks everyone.

While they are friends DH hasn't seen her since before we got together other than at a friends wedding so they aren't proper friends.

I'd probably feel differently if she was less attractive/had an obvious flaw but thats not the case. It's hard seeing someone your DH was with when they are "better" than you.

OP posts:

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