In laws invited his ex over while we are here

My In Laws used to live in Cornwall and their ex Daughter in Law would go down and stay with them for a week every summer (no children). They were very close but it had to be kept a secret from my Sister in Law! And was kept for about 20 years until they passed away!

Maybe they’re legit friends?

Surely you can see that your situation is completely different Polominty, as grandchildren are involved. OP, I can understand your feelings, but you'll look ridiculous if you upsticks and leave. Surely you can be nice for a dinner, and if crossing paths at a wedding. I'm sure your DH will appreciate the effort.

@SeismicSalad I don't think parents should be really close friends with any of their children's friends/partners. A parent's role is to be there for their child, and accept the people that their child likes, not add to their friendship circle from people they meet via their children. I see this happen so often and it creates so many problems. People need their own social groups for really close friends.

I’m friends with the mother of a lad I liked when I was 11. We were children. Year 7. The crush wore off in about 1993 but obviously we finished school together, everyone was friends.

I used to visit his mum till she moved away, we still chat online, she always asks how my kids are, I always like the pictures she posts, I think my own mum and her are friends on Facebook too. I am Facebook friends with his wife as well, and she is often very strange in her interactions with me. I always think “calm down love, Im not trying to steal him, I don’t even want him!”

so yabu, don’t make her feel that way about you.

Totally agree with @StopInhalingRevels It’s weird that a relatively short relationship led to a super close relationship with his parents, to the extent they regularly visit each other and she buys them F&M hampers!

I don’t believe the ILs ‘forgot’ their visit. The suggestion to put the babies to sleep together is weird. The dinner is even more weird. It’s just totally unnecessary.

But I agree with those saying it would be good to shake off the ‘she’s prettier’ thing.

Be polite and friendly at the wedding but I don’t think you and DH need to go to the dinner, Unless you see ILs all the time then I don’t get why they wouldn’t want dinner with just you guys.

His parents should have ditched their friend because he was horrible to her (the ex)? She didn’t do anything wrong… I really think there’s more to friendships than who has previously had sex with who.

Pressed post too soon

Meant to add I'd only worry about this if your dh started being in more regular contact when you all go home.

Your in-laws aren't doing anything wrong in remaining g close to a person they are fond of and who was the innocent party in how her relationship with their son ended. They are people in their own right, not just your in-laws and as such, can form friendships as they please. Given it was all so long ago, they probably don't think of her as their son's ex.
She is clearly more their friend now than your DH's.

That said, I do know why you feel weird about it and a bit jealous. But you are going to look batshit crazy if you leave or kick off about it. Best approach is to style it out and behave as if you are totally fine.

I'd

I'm probably a bit in his exes camp TBH.

My exH and I have been divorced for years, I'm invariably in the same space as him and his wife a few times a year due to our daughter. I have no problem whats so ever greeting his wife warmly, were all friends on facebook etc... His wife is fine with me, she always hugs and kisses me on the cheek although we don't socialise outside of this. I'm so past my exH none of this bothers me at all.
My exH is the one who reverts back ten years plus and starts saying things about how weird it is, making bad jokes and just being rude to my family (not saying you are rude). I find it stupid given he's completely different when he drops our daughter off and is chatty and polite.

I should add - in my view an in-laws role is to support their child, DIL/SIL and grandchildren etc. It's not their role to complicate things and create a personal friendship with their child's ex-partner. The link between that person and them is their child, who has decided to stick with someone else. So why maintain contact? If the in-laws want friends, they should look elsewhere.

Childish? No, the childish actors here are the in-laws and the husband. They have no right to make the op uncomfortable and she has every right to refrain from attending.

It's horses for courses I suppose.

It wouldn't bother me. I'm good friends with DHs ex gf. She's absolutely amazing and we have a lot in common. She's married to a lovely guy and we used to all go out before they moved abroad. It wasn't weird for any of us.

However, it all depends on the people involved and if you feel uncomfortable, your feeling are valid.

Maybe just look at her as a friend of the family, because that's all she is now, and see if you can tolerate it for the time you are there.

Because she loves her spouse and would like to keep a woman he’s formerly been intimate with at a distance? Hmmm…

This. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings, but not going to dinner is very childish (although I can understand your instinct to do that, but we’re adults). Going home and not attending the wedding would be ridiculously immature.

Obviously if you jealousy etc becomes unreasonable and controlling it's different, but I think in the situation here, OP you are being completely reasonable. Exes have a history, they're not friends, they are ex-lovers. It's different. You husband should step back from the friendship and only rekindle it if you are okay with it, and also he should advise his parents that it's weird for them to be super close to his ex. If they want to do that it's of course up to them, but it will inevitably affect their relationship with you. There's the ideal world where everyone is 100% secure etc and there's the real world, where sometimes you just have to choose one person over another. Your in-laws should reduce contact with her and fade her out. The ex also needs to invest her time with HER in-laws, not yours.

I am in the “this is a bit wierd” camp. I can understand that if your dh’s parents got on very well with his ex they could still see her & invite her to things where they had other friends coming as well. But a dinner with only them, their son plus wife and their son’s ex-girlfriend plus husband? No that is just a bit too awkward & strange that they can’t see that.

I also think its a bit wierd of the ex and her husband to be hanging round the parents of someone that she used to know, but who dumped her and then slept with her best friend! Are they also hanging round with the parents of the husband’s exs as well?

Think you are being a tad immature here.

YANBU. I think the main person in the wrong here is your husband. He should prioritise your feelings over everyone else's. Jealousy or insecurity is a normal feeling, and it shows that you care about someone. If you are feeling a little insecure, or in any way uncomfortable, your husband should address that immediately by stepping back from this ex and prioritizing you. The fact that he wants her as a friend is not important, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You are number one and therefore if it makes you feel weird then he needs to find a new friend. That's the price you pay if you want a strong and enduring relationship.

I I can see why your DH and his ex are comfortable meeting up as they’ve put the past behind them and are happy with their current partners.

But, I can also see your perspective as I wouldn’t be thrilled either, especially all having dinner together! I’d go along with it this time, but I’d say to my DH that I don’t want to meet up with them again. You don’t have to be friends with them if you’re not comfortable.

My sister still in close contact with an ex MiL -she was only married for 18 months, and the divorce was over 50 years ago,

Sounds like an overreaction.

But it also could be read that he settled for OP, while he was with that 'it girl' bfore and messed it up. Just saying, marrying someone is not always the win.

I think you’re overreacting. It’s not as if she was the one who done the dirty on your husband and left him with a broken heart. He didn’t want her anymore so there no reason to be jealous. You’re feeling a bit inferior but you shouldn’t. It was a long time ago and everyone has moved on to an amicable relationship.

What a charmer you are.

When you marry, you are meant to respect your spouse’s feelings and take care of each other. If the op is uncomfortable (for any reason) she has a right to those feelings and her husband, if he loves and cherishes her, would keep his distance from the other female who I assume has been intimate with.

If that sounds foreign to you, then what’s the point of marriage? My husband and I took vows to love, honour and obey. Those words have kept us in good stead.

Exactly this!

So many internet "cool wives" on this thread that would be abso-fucking-lutely not ok in the real world, if this happened to them.

@Thatsmybunnysir it's weird. Really weird. An ex of just a couple of years, who your husband was awful too, and he has nothing to do with, has been invited to his parents and has turned up with wedding anniversary gifts. Christ he was only with her, in his youth for a couple of years, and this is 7 odd years ago. He's been with you for 6 years, got married, had a baby, and his parents are calling her round to their house to coincide with your visit? Then want a second meeting, a full dinner on Thursday? What the hell?

No you are not over reacting. This is really weird. And hey, maybe she is pretty. But at the end of the day he didn't want her. He married you.

Just because there's three of them and one of you, do not let them make out that you're the problem. You're not.

If she is so gorgeous, has an amazing man and a child, maybe it's to say "you could have had that but you fucked up and lost it".