Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

That is outrageous!! I’d tell everyone that you won’t be attending any more family get togethers as they have made it clear they’re only interested in using you. Also if they wanted to move to London and work their arses off for £100k (which is a lot but in reality doesn’t go far when living down south, as housing is extraordinarily expensive (let’s save the conversation about the sorry state of our housing market for another day)) they are very welcome to.

Report the mortgage adviser to their regulatory body - the financial conduct authority.

I think t depends on who they are really. If it was DPs I might explain that you know it seems a lot but it is all relative and you dont mind paying sometimes but it is hurtful to be put in this situation. If it is siblings (which is what I am betting) I would be more direct - our finances are none of your business, we are not the family bank and we will not be participating in anything else that we are expected to pay for unless it has been explicitly agreed in advance that this is what will happen. I would also contact mortgage advisor, let them know what they have done is a serious breach, you are not going to report now but they ned to be a lot more discrete in future or you will take action.

Tell them all to fuck off, starting with the broker who breached GDPR.

@Gummybear23 beat me to it. Next meal I would go along with the invitation, send a message that you are running late but not to wait for you, then pull out with an 'emergency' situation. Leave the family to pay for themselves having ordered thinking you will pick up the bill.

But in future I would avoid socialising where there is potential for a joint bill. Suggest a walk instead. If you are invited to future meals, ask in advance how the bill is being split.

How many family members / is it parents, siblings, partners kids etc?

£100k is not rolling in it. After tax it’s maybe £60k. And those on a lot less are usually topped up with benefits

Totally agree, remove yourself until your family can learn to pay their own way. You’ve worked hard and have every right to spend your money how you wish - not on them for every occasion.

As a side note, we’re in a similarly privileged position to you. Our family don’t know how much we earn but know we do alright (as much as you can living in the SE), we’ve never been expected to pay for things like meals out but very much expected to chip in on things (like Christmas food or a BBQ spread that not everyone else is asked to) which we’re happy to do and wouldn’t ask for the favour to be returned when we host.

It's an awfully big coincidence that the comments only began after OP's consultation with the mortgage advisor. Someone else might have figured it out and spread the information, but it does seem more likely that it originated with the so-called professional that OP and her husband recently trusted with their private information.

Well their behaviour is vile. I would be tempted to tell the family member you could and might report them but I doubt I’d go through with it. I would be cutting that person off for sure. The rest of your family you have to probably think about on a case by case basis - do you want to salvage the relationship if no, easy, if yes then you need to talk to them about their behaviour.

You might not feel in a position to financially help others but again think about this on a case by case basis - can you pay everyone’s mortgages for them and buy them all cars? No of course not. Could you help your parents somehow if they need it? Maybe. My own (non grabby) mum is elderly and skint through no fault of her own (disabled and on a state pension) so I pay for her to have a cleaner. I earn a fraction of what you do but I can pay £60 a month for this help for her. We also tend to pay for birthday meals out and the odd take away etc. I would find it hard to believe that on £200k you couldn’t do similar, obviously you don’t have to but you probably could.

How do you contribute?

Please report the “mortgage advisor” - they are beyond unprofessional and I wouldn’t want to use someone like that, even if it was only family they did it to. Awful!

The thing is people with higher earnings tend to have higher outgoings along with it.

DH and I earn similarly to you and similar circumstances. DS and her DH have combined salaries of around half of ours and a DC so always have the attitude that we’re wealthy. However we probably have about the same amount of disposable income as they do.

We pay more in tax, NI, pension contributions and student loan repayments so even though our salaries are double theirs our take home pay isn’t.

Our monthly mortgage payments are 4x theirs. Our bills are higher. Our friends earn more which means it’s hard to avoid a more expensive lifestyle where we’re expected to spend more on expensive hen dos, destination weddings, expensive wedding and baby shower gifts etc. which all adds up.

Having a higher income doesn’t always translate to more disposable income!

On the face of it, your family sound awful.
Are they generally difficult to get along with or is it just this one issue? The only explanation I can think of for otherwise reasonable people behaving like this would be if you had form for pleading poverty or were tight with money. In that scenario I could see why, on discovering that you have a household income of £200k, they might feel justified in making comments. Although passing you the bill in the restaurant would still be incredibly rude behaviour!

I have a relative who despite earning very well indeed is notoriously tight. He will always disappear to the toilet as soon as the bill arrives at family meals, loves to be hosted by others and always turns up empty handed and would never dream of offering financial help his adult DC or a family member who was struggling, although he was more than happy to accept help when he was on his way up. I'd love to have the guts to pass him the bill next time we go out to eat! Don't think I could actually bring myself to do it though.

Where is your evidence it was the mortgage advisor?

It really doesn't take a mortgage advisor or a genuis to work out a couple working in BIG city jobs, are earning lots more than the rest of the family if they are all low paid NMW type jobs.

I would tell the mortgage advisor - if you know for certain it was him/her - that you think they behaved very unprofessionally by disclosing your income to family members, and that you considering reporting them. Let 'em squirm for a bit.

Tell them that you pay much more tax than them and that it goes towards paying for them via the welfare system.

Why?

Honest question.

I would tell them one more shitty move like that and you'll report mortgage advisor

Yes this, there's nothing wrong with contributing and it's nice to if you can.
It's the sheer entitlement and expectations of them that's off.

Please tell me you didn’t pay the entire bill?

You do have an income where it would reasonable to contribute to aging parents and young niece's and nephews. DH & myself earn less and both do, but it is for you to offer and the disclosure of your income and their behaviour since is absolutely outrageous and I suspect why you've never offered before.

Even before GDPR the mortgage advisor had a professional duty to be confidential.

It is very sad that they are acting like that. Let that be the last free meal they get out of you. If you do want to see them again (why???). Tell them you are not their personal piggy bank and you are offended that they think you are.

"Spotlightdeck
Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough"

"I would let them arrange a restaurant again. When they pass you the bill, silently tot it up, make sure you have everything to hand, then say, ‘I make that £100 each, here is £225 cash from us including tip, afraid we have to run as our cab is here - we’ve had a lovely time, must do this again!’
*
Please this.*

There's a difference between you offering to pay and them expecting you to pay. I think they sound horrible.

report so called mortgage advisor to hid professional body, and the ICO for GDPR breach.
And give crap but honest reviews wherever you can,

For the public | ICO