Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

It's a reasonable point @shuggles , but it doesn't commit them to funding every family meal.

How does it matter, exactly? OP’s issue is that she and her partner are fielding snide comments from her family and being treated like cash cows. Is that something they’re supposed to just accept for having the audacity to make a decent wage?

@InterIgnis It doesn’t matter that the average is less

Yes it does.

OP and her partner aren’t millionaires

If they're not millionaires now, they will be soon. Anyone who doesn't obtain a net worth of £1 million within 10 years or so of having a 200k salary is inept with money.

I have state pension and a small occupational pension, and we are reasonably fixed. I pay for my mum, who is on pension credit, and my DC who is getting started on a working life, when we go out to eat. Even so, we don't go anywhere swanky.

There’s a difference between being generous and people expecting you to pay for a four course meal for a group just because you have more money than them. OP may be a generous person you don’t know that but to have people expect and take the piss is not ok

Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

id actually call them out on what makes them think were “rolling in it”. Where have they got their info from etc. say thats not the case etc etc. id say its kinda funny since applying for the mortgage that they think this. If it was leaked mortgage person would lose their job etc. Make them squirm as they wont want to drop the mortgage person in it

Tell them you're not paying and let the cards fall where they may. If they don't want to know you because of that, do you really want to know them? Totally their choice.

The genie is out of the bottle and there is no going back. You need to cut those off who were trying to guilt trip you into paying. All of this could have been avoided by the advisor not opening their big fat gob. I would definitely report them as their actions have caused all of this unwanted stress.

So for both my parents and PILs we pay for flights and all expenses when they visit us including days, meals out and some extra spending money. This is in part because we chose to emigrate and they would not be able to afford to if we didn't. And then when we visit them we would pay for any extras like meals out but would always be our idea, none ever suggest something expecting us to pay, and is because we want to treat them and have a nice memorable time together

Then we contribute according to need.

For my DF that in the past has been vet or gas bills. I have also offered to pay for private physio but so far he has refused. For DM who has a higher income she's not needed this but I've done a lot of personal admin type stuff for her. I've also offered to lend her a large sum so she could get a retirement visa but in the end she didn't need to.

For PILs DH and his siblings split costs 1/3 each for any large purchases they need as their pensions cover daily expenses but not say a new appliance. We also bought a new second hand car for ourselves to use when we visit which is there's to use most of the time, which conveniently got rid of the issue of theirs needing replacement.

Yes, they’re comfortable. It doesn’t matter that the average is less - OP and her partner aren’t millionaires, and even if they were they’re in no way obliged to suck up being treated like cash cows by family members nursing massive chips on their shoulders.

It would certainly explain why so many on this board seem to be completely out of touch.

@Spotlightdeck Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires.

You live "comfortably"? Reminds me of Prince Andrew saying Epstein's behaviour was "unbecoming."

You and your husband earn more than 3 times the average salary of 30k. Crying about this is a bit ridiculous.

Not read the entire thread so sorry if asked before - but why didn’t you just divide by couples or number of people and say each share is £x amount? Why pay it?

I have vultures like this in my family but we are earning no where as much as you. We live in London too and my family outside of London are always doing this. One would often ask me to book cinema tickets for her as she’s “not very technologically able!” She is, she’s just lying. So I would pay and never paid me back. Everytime she asks now I say I can’t and you can book at the cinema when you go. I know it’s hard but they will just keep taking. They don’t have to go to fancy restaurants, in future go where their budgets will allow and everyone splits the bill

Presumably your family love and appreciate you? Would you ‘love spoiling’ people who clearly resented you? People who wouldn’t actually appreciate what you did for them, but considered themselves entitled to what you had?

Because that’s what OP is dealing with.

DBIL left the UK to work overseas and was highly successful, and generous, treating family. But now retired, they still look at him to fund everything. Stamp on this quickly.

Terrible behaviour from both mortgage advisor and family. Truly entitled !
I think I'd be just sending a message on the family WhatsApp saying that you feel like the family cash machine and it's got to stop

Because they're our family and we love them and we can easily afford to

We are in a similar situation OP and have had to go low contact with a lot of my family as a result. The ridiculous thing is that we did share and pay for a lot of things, but apparently that wasn’t good enough.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was, when on holiday last year, we were expected to give my cousin our baby monitor or else buy her one, despite my children being younger and us needing our monitor. Apparently ‘we should go without because we have so much’. I was quite clear that it was not our job to provide for her children, and if she needed a baby monitor then she needed to buy one herself. Cue half the family telling me how selfish we are….

It’s really sad; I never thought my family would behave like that over money.

My mum is a bit like this (in no way as extreme I must stress). Since my dad died in 2017, if we go for a meal she would never ever offer to chip in, say I'll get the first round etc or even enquire about the bill. She doesn't even bring any money. We collect her, pay for her and transport her home - she sometimes says thank you. We were talking about energy bills and my husband was saying to his dad don't be not having the heating on thinking you are saving money and she chipped in - yes don't be saving money to leave to these two, they are very aflluent. Don't get me wrong, we have a decent income - I earn £90k and am oop North so obviously we bought our house for 25p and we would never ask her to pay but she obviously has a chip on her shoulder, I'd be pleased if my child, who didn't go to university, was earning a decent salary, not having a dig.

Plus one for reporting the mortgage advisor. Apart from anything else they might be ignoring the right to confidentiality of other clients.

Just tell them how you feel

I swear I’ve only seen on Mumsnet couples making “200,000+” a year. Personally if I was on an astronomical salary, yes I would be very generous. But then I earn a fraction of that and I’m very generous and love spoiling my family.

My parents are millionaires, but apart from things for Dd (holidays they take her on and toys they buy for their house) they don’t pay for anything.

I think it’s outrageous and would be fucking furious if I was in your position.

If you want more money you earn it, just like the rest of us! I’m a lone parent and have struggled massively in the past, and if I asked my parents would help me out, but why would I want to ask? Everything I have is mine and I worked bloody hard for it.

Don’t give in to sob stories, if there’s no other way people will find a way.

It's coincidence absolutely nothing more.

It could the new address, be a flash holiday, a new car or something else that has given away their status.

It's just easy to blame him. Who's probably on a decent income himself and probably not even fussed by it.

These matters are all about context. For example if my salary is £100K and my mum earns £26K then I would definitely pick up the bill and be happy to do so.