Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough

Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough

Is the mortgage advisor family member at these gatherings?

If so, I'd ask, so that they can hear ' how on earth do you know my earnings?' And when they reply I'd say 'can't you lose your job for doing that?'

Who is suggesting the meals out and the venue? If it's you then you need to be aware of keeping it cheap and cheerful to suit everyone's income. When the bill comes I'd say 'are we working out what we've had or just splitting it 8 ways (or whatever the number of people).' If they ask you to pay I'd state 'ok. I'll pay this time but then it's someone else's turn next time'

Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough

Rather than report the mortgage advisor tell him that this is because of him and you don't plan to report him now but he needs to take the lead in getting everyone to pay for themselves in future. And why you pay just pay for the two of you.

Madness to let your family member arrange that mortgage. Madness. Whilst I agree with you that they’re fucking idiots and shouldn’t treat you any different. 200k a year with no kids (especially if you’re not in the SE) will seem loads to some people.

If my siblings knew some of our financial matters, they’d be seething with jealousy. Thats why we play everything down. We underplay everything.

Easy - cut every fucker off.

And report the family mortgage advisor cunt and hope that they lose their job for breaching GDPR with your income details.

Jesus fucking Christ, this isn’t about you! You’re trying to hijack someone else’s thread to bang on about your own obvious distaste and of those you deem to be rich.

Mumsnet has hundreds of thousands of users from all walks of life, it isn’t the sole preserve of those that on the breadline. Not every thread about money has to revolve around those with less, and not everyone has to want a utilitarian lifestyle where they only have the basics. OP and her partner quite reasonably want to have the comfortable lifestyle their wages afford them. That means they’ll have expenses, whether you personally approve of them or not.

What isn’t reasonable is OP’s family treating her with disdain and expecting her to pay for them. I notice you haven’t even bothered to address what the actual thread is about.

Part of it is luck , part of it is choices made and part of it does come down to hard work..
please don’t devalue others’ financial success by saying it’s ‘often’ dependent on nepotism and cronyism,. it’s poisonous too as it’s a hugely defeatist attitude - “what’s the point of trying since you won’t get there without cronies or relatives on high places”

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

200k is huge by pretty much any ordinary standards! Let's not pretend otherwise.

‘Huge’ is relative. Why would she want to pay for people that don’t even seem to like her?

You probably need to start cutting ties with a lot of your family.
I would start by avoiding family meals or any situation where you might have to pay them proceeding from there.

YANBU at them expecting you to pay but yabu to think you aren't rolling in it, you are! 200k and no kids is a huge amount of money. And to be honest, I'm surprised you don't want to pay if your family are on much lower salaries and likely struggling to pay bills.
But they have been cheeky nonetheless so ESH.

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre People with higher incomes tend to have higher expenses. Bigger house, nice car, nice hobbies, holidays etc.

Those are not "expenses." Those are lifestyle choices. I wish someday, people will stop pretending that lifestyle inflation is an unavoidable consequence of having more money.

Do you begrudge someone who has worked hard to earn a nice salary actually spending their own money on the things they like.

If others want more money and fancy meals out they should improve their employment prospects and earning power. Then they can buy themselves nice things without putting their hand out expecting others to fund them.

You're delusional. Of course I work hard too, as everyone else does. But it's not a simple case of "just go and earn more money." You sound like one of those people who thinks people can just motivate themselves out of being disabled, or just stop being overweight. Being a high earner is often dependent on things outside of our control- such as nepotism/cronyism, or being attractive.