Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

Yep, I’d also report that awful breach of trust / privacy and I’d refuse to pay for anything else. They’ve all become greedy, seeing your income as something that’s suddenly become communal so they never have to pay for themselves. I’d say something along the lines of feeling that your family have changed and are now very focused on your money and what they can financially get from you, and the expectation that you are the cash cow for everything is both greedy and upsetting. Tell them you’ll be paying your own way and so will they and hold them to it. Your earnings are not automatically theirs to access like a bloody cash point. So rude.

you are probably in the top 2-5% of earners in the country and I’m sure that you would worked very ambitiously and conscientiously, to get there. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that the high salaries aren’t paid for the type of jobs that are 9-5 and laid back. On the contrary, I’m sure you’re worked for it.

at the same time, I can well imagine that this number seems inconceivable to some. To them, a £100k is probably akin to millionaire status. They probably think that it’s just raining into your lap, effortlessly.

I do not think anyone should have a claim to your earnings, and it’s really alienating when people mention your relative privilege, mockingly. I experienced this at the weekend, where ‘funny’ comments were made about my house, the gym we use, schools…

i also think it depends on who is expecting you to pay. Is it your parents? If it were me, I’d want to spoil my parents, who have a significant role in me becoming the educated person I am. They gave me those values and bought me the books, helped me with university costs.

If we are talking aunts, uncles, cousins…for me, based on the relatively distant emotionally connection I have with mine, it would not be something I’d be happy to keep doing, no.

Report the mortgage advisor as he should never disclose this and any meals you go to make it clear your not paying the bill

Move away.

This!!! Without a doubt. Report the adviser!

Wow!!!! I am considered a generous person in my family but this is crazy. I would really reduce contact and certainly not go out for dinner or in any position that involves spending money. What an awful way for them to go on.

Your mortgage Advisor needs reporting as they broke confidentiality and let them know that you are unhappy about it.

tell your family no more meals out on you. So disrespectful.

When my partner and I had our business and started to do well we had the same, mentions of relatives who needed stuff I asked the person calling about it (generally mum) if they were going to help auntie etc. I do remb one time specifically my dad had hurt his hand and could not wash the windows. As I was leaving I suggested I get their windows done (window cleaner was over the road) and my mum said no thats too much if your sure. I pointed out its only about £15 her mouth dropped she thought I was paying for her to have all the windows replaced in the house. Despite endless holidays paid for, computers and hire cars they still wanted more so I started to withdraw and put up a boundary they didn't like it I just laughed off their jokes/sarky comments. I suggest you remember who helped you before you had money and the friends you had then are the real ones. Sadly money does bring out the ugly in people.

@Spotlightdeck you should go the next time, but get a friend to phone about an emergency about an hour and a half in and say you urgently have to leave! tell them you will pay your bill on the way out! just leave them to it! let them sort out the rest themselves and serve them right! I know a few people who do this!!

Hahah. What a rediculous thing to say. Then, I cut friends and family off once a month atleast. Now I know why it’s so common! 😂

Wow! That's awful, it's insane that people think this way! My sister earns like 5× as much as me, why? Coz she absolutely worked her ass off to get where she is! People seem to forget that, someone just doesn't fall in to a high paid job. Screw them, report the mortgage adviser coz I'm sure that's not allowed and decline any invites from them. They suck tbh!

Please tell me you didn't pay?

Not speaking to them for a while is the same as cutting them off 🤦🏻‍♀️

That's disgusting and a breach of confidentiality and although you probably wouldn't, you have every right to report it.

So because you've made something of your life instead of staying in the same town and same jobs, you're expected to pay for their laziness and lack of drive? No way would I be doing that - I'd be stopping speaking to them until they grew up.

I'm guessing the 5% who voted yabu are the same spongers as in your family.

I'm so sorry that you're having to put up with it - just don't be guilt tripped, everyone has the same chance in life.

This - Old friend of mine set up his own company, we are now all in our late 60's, he's sold it for a good few million. Saw him recently as his DPs live near me and I've stayed friends with them as they were friends of my DPs, doing the odd hospital run etc. He said I'd be amazed at how many of his "old friends" have suddenly got back in touch with "ideas".

Some people are just greedy

As soon as you have any money, the world and his dog think they are entitled to some of it.

Why on earth would you put up with that though? I get not making a scene in a restaurant but did you say anything at the time?

I wouldn’t be talking to these people again, for a while anyway. The amount of posts advising to cut them off is bonkers though! Is that the fashion these days?

NOT this. By lying you would just make an already bad situation worse and do you even know it was the mortgage advisor, or do you just assume it is?

The fact that you go to social events with these family members suggests that you want them in your life, so don't do anything to alienate them but you do need to tell them straight that you won't be paying for everyone in future. To make sure, don't take your credit/debit cards next time, just enough cash for you and your partner. To make it easier get each couple or individual family to have separate bills, so everyone will just order what they want and can afford. You might end up going to less expensive restaurants. If you feel bad about this you could always pay for a couple of bottles of wine, but gauge the feeling in the room, or someone might take this as a sign that you will pay for everything.

Unless you nip this in the bud now, how long will this situation go on. Do you really want to be paying for them all when you are in your dotage and by that time it will include their children and grandchildren as well. Enough is enough and regardless of whether you can afford to it is still taking the piss for the rest of your family to expect you to do so.

As for the mortgage advisor, arrange a meeting with them and ask if they have any clues how everyone else seems to know about your financial affairs. It may be guess work on someone else's part based on your house, where you work and general lifestyle and absolutely nothing to do with this person. If you have moved to a big house in a good area, drive a new and expensive car, go on lavish holidays and are on social media showing off all your latest purchases it would be fairly obvious to anyone you are not on minimum wage and relying on food banks. If, however, you are still living a relatively normal life then maybe they have been indiscrete and told someone, who told another etc.

Always best to keep friends and family separate from financial affairs. 3 things guaranteed to cause rifts are money, religion and politics, so unless your siblings are the Governor of the Bank of England, Archbishop of Canterbury and Prime Minister it would be best to deal with other, non-related, professionals next time.

Good luck.

Tell them you have a gambling problem/ made bad financial choices/ had pay cut/back tax/some better excuse ad you are paying it back.
Avoid going out with them involving shared finances and try to be downbeat for a while, they'll get over it.
Have a word with the mortgage advisor who dropped you in it about gdpr and get them to help you out here or else.

Did the Op come back?

I would refuse any invites to restaurants where you don’t just go up and order your own food.

Who does the inviting for family get togethers?

I've not rtft.

Personally, I wouldn't report the broker. I think what the broker did was appalling, but doing so could sour family relations even further.

From now on, I'd only accept certain invites (e.g. a family barbecue but not something like a meal at a restaurant, where you'd be expected to cover the entire cost). If anyone mentions anything, I'd say being asked to foot the entire bill makes you feel uncomfortable.

Oh, THAT is very bad behaviour. Next time, look innocent & refuse to pay ... How are they going to force you?

I agree but it's still difficult to say "no" knowing that you might as well be saying fuck off to hell and back. And whilst I might not have wanted to live in my sibling's pockets - I didn't want to go "no contact" and be left in a situation where I'm not sure whether my elderly mother is living or dead when she doesn't answer the phone because my sibling won't tell me (I live in a different country). To come home to visit her in hospital and find my sibling has hidden the house key and I have to stay in a hotel.
So yes it was difficult to say no and it continues to be difficult. You tend to find when people behave badly - it's not isolated behaviour.

People that cut you off over money aren't worth having in your life. Familial bonds and love shouldn't be dependent on money, and no one should be used as a cash cow.

Of course it's not so difficult to say no over and over again (it can get embarrassing though) - the outcome can be very difficult - my sister stopped speaking to me when I refused to fund a financial decision she took that went wrong - I know I was right but losing my sister over it was difficult and hurtful. Dh's sister didn't speak to him for two years after he refused to pay off her mortgage. It would be nice to think there are no repercussions to saying no but there often is and that's whats difficult.