Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

I think the next time there's a snide remark I would say 'if you know how much we earn it can only be because 'mortgage adviser' disclosed this to you. If this is the case we would be well within our rights to take legal action over this disclosure'.

At any event where they expect you to pay I would have cash ready and say 'that covers our share plus tip'. Any objection, mention the mortgage adviser and your right to take legal action. The threat of said family member losing their job will be enough to shut it all down.

There's a difference between a minor flaw or irritating personality trait and people suddenly changing how they behave around you when they learn you earn more than they thought and outright accusing you of being selfish for not paying someone else's way through life.

I'd be blunt. Remind the worst offenders that the relative who disclosed your incomes has broken the law. Explain that if they don't want you to start avoiding them, they need to stop commenting on your earnings. That's basic stuff, and if they can't manage it, I would follow through and reduce the amount of time I spent with them until they learned to mind their manners.

Can I just say, this isn't normal behaviour? You don't realise someone's doing well for themselves to immediately turn into a vulture.
They need cutting off, and absolutely do follow up with whichever repercussions you can with the mortgage advisor for divulging your private financial information

I'd like to think so. But then I like to think that I'd never put her in that position.

This. ^ I am appalled by this behaviour @Spotlightdeck but sadly it is quite common. I have extended family like this, and this is why I ghosted them around a decade ago when my folks died. They were scavenging, grabby fuckers too. Some years ago, I was on a good salary in a professional job and had a 5 bed detached house (that DH and I had worked bloody hard for!) and they thought we were the 'rich' ones in the family. (And 'privileged!)

We weren't privileged or rich, we just worked hard! AND we didn't smoke 30 a day like most of them, or waste money on scratchcards, lottery tickets, 3 nights a week at the pub, expensive SKY TV packages, pricey mobile phones, and naff designer gear. Oh and we also had JOBS. Most them didn't, or they worked part time. They were always crying poverty and moaning that others had more than them, and letting other people pay for them when they went out to a pub or restaurant.

I got some money after being made redundant once - around 30 years ago - around £5,000. Not a massive amount, but still a tidy sum. Probably £10,000 in today's money.) 2 cousins and 2 aunts immediately contacted me, to say they saying the needed money for this, and that, and the other, as they had no money for it.

I said 'how are you going to pay me back if you haven't got the money to pay for said item?' They said they would pay me back at £5 a week. One aunt wanted £350. I said no. Caused a right rift that did. Apparently I didn't even earn that money and should have shared it with 'relatives.' 🙄That is just one story of many over the years, and it only stopped when I moved out of my hometown and ghosted them

Same aunts and cousins were always cadging, scamming, begging, and pleading for things off people, and rarely bought anything or paid for anything. Glad to get them out of my life I was.

@Bex5490 - at 16.44 - if YOU are happy to have greedy, scrounging, begging cheeky-fuckers in your life who try to rob you of your hard earned money, because you earn more than them - then good for you. Most of us have a higher bar when it comes to the way we are treated by people, and won't take any shit.

I would never have anyone paying for me all the time, even if they were millionaires. I have self respect, and dignity, and think it's fucking disgraceful to let someone pay all the time! (Sounds to me @Bex5490 like you may be the same sort of person as the people in the OP's extended family - and mine, as you appear to think their behaviour is OK!)

As has been said @Spotlightdeck ghost the fuckers. Cut them off. They're parasites!

I wouldn't cut them off, but I wouldn't take the lead in organising anything that involved eating out, and not would I accept the next few invites to any large family meals.

It is very unfair of them. And it would make me feel that I was only included because they want my credit card's company and not mine.

Even if you were rolling in it why on earth would it be your responsibility to pay for other people? Sadly there is an element of my family who are exactly the same and me and my siblings always pay for their share of every meal/drink/event. I didn’t mind when they were students etc but all involved are now in their thirties and frankly I resent the expectation.

Aside from the issue with the mortgage advisor...... I think and I'll get flamed for it, that if someone is significantly wealthier than their relatives, it is quite nice to show some generosity. I'm not saying you should pay for everything obviously and the entitlement is a problem clearly, but a little acknowledgement that paying for a round of drinks or whatever is much easier for you than them is not necessarily a bad thing. Growing up, I remember my dad would often treat family members as he was doing better than them. If we went out for a meal with another family I always remember both dad's of each family insisting on paying the bill.

I don’t think I’d ever go as far as to Sue or report the family member, but I would be saving up a ‘do you always discuss the salaries of people who come to you for professional help’ for use at the most in opportune time! Also agree with everyone, don’t go out to dinners/ lunches and if you have to a nice smiley ‘guess I’m paying for you all again!’ or ‘ami really paying again?’ remark. Every time.

You didn’t win the lottery you EARN your money and presumably work hard for it, as well as having additional out going (student loans maybe?)

But even so, you don’t have to justify your income to anyone at all.
if you get invited out tell them you are paying for your food only.
If they don’t respect that, wash away.

and definitely report the mortgage broker they broke the law and damaged your relationships.

My brother is a mortgage advisor and his partner did ours.
Never once has my salary been mentioned since, as that would be unprofessional.

How rude! OMG just ignore them or tell them a lie like you have switched jobs and now you earn 20k so they stop! Ugh! Sounds ridiculous to want and expect money from you!!! :(

I would have minimal contact with the whole fucking bunch. Also, the mortgage adviser whom you gave information about your salaries to - aren't they part of a professional body with a code of conduct? At the very least I'd mention this to them.

Knowingly breaching someone's financial privacy isn't a "flaw" though – it's a dereliction of professional duty. I'm amazed how many people are okay with this. If it was a stranger you'd be furious but because it's a family member the response is 'whoopsie'?

Great advice!

Next time leave early. Put some money on the table and say here's our contribution to the bill say got to get back for the boiler man see you soon and go.

Time after that assertively say can we split the bill between us - that's £32 each or whatever.

Don't just pay it they need to stop seeing you as a soft touch.

Chances are they'll have ordered more than they would have if they thought you weren't paying. They might start to think about it when they realise you're not just going to stand for it.

Of course anyone who is comfortable will want to be generous with family but it's horrible when it's assumed and expected. It starts to feel like they don't even love you, just your money.

But without knowing who they are people just say - go NC.

I'd be fuming with the mortgage advisor, how bloody unprofessional!

Agreed but if you did she might explain to you how that made her feel right? Instead of just cutting you off?

I’m going to rant…

Where is the loyalty or ability to accept people’s flaws?

I always see threads about how people are lonely or don’t have friends and bad relationships with families.

And then everyone’s like ‘oh your sister broke your comb - go NC!’ Oh your best friend of 15 years forgot your great grandma’s birthday…NC! Your in-laws want to actually spend time with you…defo NC with you and their grand kids!

People ain’t perfect - surely you can forgive them a few flaws no?

One of my daughters (brought up by me as a single parent, with four siblings so absolutely no money and a LOT of sacrifices) makes a six-figure salary. I know how much she earns. But I would not DREAM of expecting her to pay for everything, nor referring to her salary in any way in front of family. And definitely not mocking her or even teasing her lightly for her achievements.

That would be every kind of wrong.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. So £100k is indeed rare to be on. Lucky OP!

Your family mortgage advisor needs to be reported if they can’t follow basic rules like don’t share information about peoples incomes.

Are your family actually struggling? Surely not if they’re going out to eat. In your position I’d pay for my own parents but I wouldn’t be paying for siblings and in laws and all their children. Not even wanting to pay for your parents when you’re on that money is tight as arseholes though.

I wouldn't do this. Let's face it - the Op and her DH do earn very good money however you describe it. That's not the issue - the issue is that members of their family just want to freeload off them.