Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

I am the high earner in the family and my family have never expected me to pay. Consequently I have on a number of occasions quietly picked up the bill at family events.

The day anyone handed me the bill and expected me to pay would be the day I told them to stick the bill in whatever orifice suited them.

I mean obviously they are BU
But I am intrigued that this has come as such a shock to them....and you tbh.
My parents always pay for family meals. None of us kids/spouses are low earners but we do have kids and my parents can afford it.
I think if it was reversed I would know if my parents/siblings were struggling and they would know we weren't....and we would probably offer to pay occasionally or something.

So...when you say city....do you mean London or another city? What sort of house do you have and who are these family members?

Have you actually confirmed to them that that is what you earn? If not then ask them why they think you should pay and when they say because of your high salary just say "You don't actually think he would tell you the truth, do you? He knows how much trouble that would cause for him if he shared our private information"

This - nice diplomatic solution

Nothing wrong with that, PreesHeath; I'm in a much better financial position than some of my friends and have been known to do it myself

The difference is that they wouldn't dream of expecting it, and the idea of guzzling extra because I'm there and then presenting me with the bill wouldn't even occur to them - mainly because they're thoroughly decent people

You are in the top 5% earners in the U.K.

information however should not have been disclosed in that way - a lesson not in involve family in money matters. I hope you can put in a formal complaint?

Cut them off. Sounds like it won't be a loss... They're horrible. Report the mortgage advisor

I would be speaking to the mortgage advisor about confidentiality and consider reporting. For the time being every time family invite you I would say no. Tell them why. Mortgage advisor has done x and everyone’s behaviour has changed. I’m not here to fund my family. I will choose when I pay…

I think I'd need more detail to comment really. What do you mean by family meals? Are you talking about your mum and dad or a meal for 25 people at a family gathering? I think if your family are struggling on a very low income I could understand them being surprised that you earn 200k p/a as it would seem a huge amount. Thats not to say I agree with them expecting you to pay for everything or believing they are entitled to it. I would have thouht on that salary though that you would treat immediate family when you visited. Its something we do when we visit parents & siblings. Id also help out close family if they were struggling. It's hard to imagine though that you haven't discussed all this with them. Whst did they say the first time they expected you to pay?

In this situation, your response needs to be, DH get your calculator up please.
I had the x, x,y,x,y and you had the x,x,y,y,x what's the total? ...
Oh yes, waitress we will be splitting the bill, our share is and we want to add a tip of. Xx

Dinners been fab, must come back sometime.

Then pass the bill to the cheesiest fucker sat at the table.

How horrible for you. I can’t imagine a family treating another member like this. Well done to you and your partner for doing well..I’m sure you pay lots of tax to help our society.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think it's nice to treat your family if you can - and in your comparatively fortunate position you can probably afford to be magnanimous about the jibes. It is hard when there is a big discrepancy in incomes. So even though I can see why it is wearing, I'd cut them a bit of slack. £100k is a very high income in most parts of the country, and if you are on a significantly lower income it is hard to understand why you don't feel as if you are rolling in it. Certainly in my family the wealthier members often pick up the tab for the less well off. When I was younger and less well established, others paid for me and now it's my turn to pick up the tab.

Firstly the family member needs reporting as that's a GDPR issue if they disclosed your salary.

Secondly I'd stop turning up to events. If they organise a meal then cancel at the very last minute as they shouldn't be expecting you to pay!

From now on, I would be unavailable for any meet ups or events involving money

Yes, that would be the other alternative, but it seems a shame to miss out on gatherings if there's a chance of them learning to be less obnoxious

And if they're not capable of that it's hard to fathom the attraction of seeing them anyway

Agreed!

Out of interest, do your family not have any concept of what salaries are normal for the jobs that you and your DH do? would they have thought you were on 30k were it not for the leaky mortgage adviser?

Well that’s incredibly insulting!

I didn’t say their behaviour was okay - I said I wouldn’t cut off family for it.

Hardly warrants you insinuating that I’m a ‘greedy, scrounging, begging cheeky-fucker’ (your words not mine)! 😂

But ok…lol

Did you pay for everyone? 😮

They're not 'skinflints', suckers maybe with grasping family of whom you clearly approve! When people come out with the rubbish that family should always help family it's usually the same who give and the same who do the taking.

Tell the mortgage adviser to pick up the bill out of their commission, or you’ll report them.

For all the talk about GDPR, there's always the risk of the urge to gossip overcoming professionalism, so as OP said themselves, using a family member for the mortgage was a mistake. Little point reporting it either if there's no written proof, since it'll just be denied

As for how to handle this, tell the family calmly how this makes you feel and take cash to the next event so that, if the message hasn't gone in, you can pay for your own and then leave. You'll be the main topic of conversation for the rest of the evening but you'd have been that anyway, and this way at least you're not paying for the privilege

Mine too.
And I would go low or no contact, they all sound absolutely appalling

You need to have a word with your mortgage adviser and tell them you know what they’ve done. Tell them to say they’ve made a mistake and put that round the family. Tell them you could take it to their Ombudsman/licence provider and also ask for the commission they got paid for your business back, but for the sake of goodwill you won’t, but only if they put matters right. Ultimately you can’t prove it, tell them that too, but it doesn’t alter the fact you all know who not to trust

I would tell the mortgage advisor exactly what I thought of him for discussing my salary with the family and yes, I’d also report him.

From now on, I would be unavailable for any meet ups or events involving money. Only see your family once a year or so as they sound so nasty.

What are your DH’s family like?