Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

I hate reading about people being doormats. Tell me you didn’t pay for that meal OP.

Is it just parents that do this? Or other extended family members?

@PreesHeath
yes and no

If we have a family meal, my parents pay for all of us

And if I take my niece and nephew out, I'm happy to pay for them

But if I go out with my brothers or cousins, we split the bill

I'd not cut my family off for this, but I'd be bloody livid about it. I'd have harsh words with the mortgage advisor and let them live in constant fear that I was going to report them (probably wouldn't though).

I'd just refuse to pay. Treating your mum and dad once in a while would be nice, but not be expected to stump up for everyone every time. Honestly, you need to be a lot angrier about this!

don’t go to restaurants with them, ever. Or anywhere where payment is required. You could go for a walk instead.

mind you, this is how people who earn well are treated in this country. Everyone thinks higher earners should pay for everything.

But did you just pay it?!! Please tell me you didn’t

I would have said thanks- are we each paying for our own or splitting it evenly?

no way would I be paying!!

OP - My family are slightly irritating.

Being a grabby fucker is more than slightly irritating, whoever it is.

Mumsnet - Cut them off completely or better still report them to their employers, social services, police or any other authorities who will listen!

So if your family member was working in healthcare, would it be fine to share their medical information? Or is it just ok when someone has something to gain for themselves?

The OP’s family probably live in houses worth less than her yearly salary.

This is just going to the other side of offensive. Do you imagine the OP’s family being like the Northern version of the Weasleys or something? Living in some rambling shack with too many children, ‘aye oop, lends us £50 love, it will feed us all a month shopping t’Aldi’….

Definitely, they should lose their job.

I'd be inclined to cut them off with that behaviour, report mortgage advisor to their professional body, and if anyone asks, tell them that because of their decision to go out and land you with the bill without at least telling you in advance, you had to cancel X/Y/Z thing and can no longer afford to travel home given the costs involved.

it sounds to me as though they are not capable of thinking things through. Common good manners is all that is needed to not bloodsuck of your relatives.

we have the opposite type of problem. DHs sister and husband are seriously rich, insane amounts, multiple houses, London penthouses, overseas property etc. we’ve given up going out with them for several reasons not least because they order wildly expensive wine/champagne etc without consulting and then split the bill. We got lectured if we didn’t partake and asked to split the bill into food/booze and told we were being petty if we tried to insist on reasonable wine orders. Just not bloody worth the effort.

I would have laughed and said, ‘I’m not paying for everyone you know!’ and put down enough for me and DH. They can’t somehow make you pay. Just don’t.

If anyone says anything about your salary-ask how do they know what you earn? Then if they say, ‘well, financial adviser brother told us all’, turn to him and call him out for being totally unprofessional. Make it clear you aren’t their cash point and don’t attend any sort of dinner/night out with them all that might end up like this.

nope I disagree. They know what they are doing..and why waste another 1000 on them?

You are high earners, but that’s your money that you’ve earned and should not be anyone else’s business. Definitely breaching GDPR with the mortgage advisor disclosing your salary, but also more fool you for using someone you know. The family expecting you to pay for things is just presumptuous and greedy. We get the same thing from DH family but we are most certainly not high earners, they just think because we’ve bought our house that we’re somehow rolling in the cash…how wrong they are 😂

The day anyone handed the bill and expected me to pay would be the day I told them to stick the bill in whatever orifice suited them.

Yes fair enough - it doesn't sound as if they are being very nice to the OP, but then to me it sounds like the behaviour of people who haven't thought things through. Perhaps talking things through rather than allowing resentment to fester would help? Although does the OP actually want to maintain the relationship? It sounds hard work.

your family sound like vultures. Simply put.

Sounds terrible. You need a conversation with them about it. For that, you need to get yourself ready to state the grounds of your complaint clearly. Maybe it's roughly: We live in a capitalist society not a communist society, I've worked hard for this money, and I don't see why I have to pay a tax to see you. Not sure that’s quite right though.

Anyway, once you’ve worked out your reasons, I'd be very tempted to organise a meal out with the family. Raise your complaint and give the reasons why you think their actions are unfair. Try to reach an agreement with them on how you'll all treat each other going forward. If you can't agree, tell them you can't live with this and you won't be doing it again. Alternatively, if you want to be really dramatic, stick £1000 on the table, tell them "Have a great night", walk out, and don't accept any invitations to eat out again.

but is it expected? Do they order what they like and just hand you the bill? Thats cheekyfuckery

I absolutely agree that your family members are out of order, and that the family mortgage advisor needs to be held to account for breaking confidentiality.

However, if this has been going on for a while, why on earth are you going out for these frequent meals with them?

Also, when you were asked along to this "fancy restaurant", didn't you twig beforehand that this issue might crop up again, as it has in the past?

Being outlier high earners in an otherwise poorer family often can be problematic. If you're still keen to meet up with them, why not avoid restaurant meet-ups, and host at home once or twice a year?

I'm flabbergasted... That's awful, just because you earn that amount, doesn't mean you have to foot the bill or is expected to pay for everything 😔

Say no.
Pass the bill back.
Tell the waiter to bring separate bills.
Tell them that you aren't their piggy bank.
It'll get cheaper for you if they sulk

Don't go out for dinner or lunch again with them, cut them off

Yep, my response would have been, thanks waitress, we're paying £XXX for the both of us, then pass the bill to the next person to pay for their share. I'd absolutely NOT have covered this whole bill.

Inviting someone to a meal, then handing them the bill, after the bunch of cheeky fuckers have ordered 4 courses is the height of cheeky fuckery. I'd have dealt with it then and there.

By paying for it (if in fact you did), then you've missed the perfect opportunity to make a stand against this cheeky fuckery.

Next time they invite you to a meal, I'd go, let everyone order their numerous courses, just the two of you order a main each, then say you're not feeling well, you're going to head off, then either go without paying (well, you've paid for them enough times), or just go to the waitress and pay for your two mains, then leave. That'll teach them.

Sadly a lot of families are completely dysfunctional when it comes to money.

They also lack the ability to get to grips with the concept that as your salaries increase so do your lifestyle expenses. So the actual "free" money you have is limited.

This can also happen a lot when you have relatives in a poorer country, where to them you earn a small fortune, but they simply lack the understanding that your expenses too come to a small fortune.

Your first mistake was really to not realise that your family was dysfunctional in this regard and then going with the family member for mortgage advice. These things are best kept out of the family and you should have realised that this would be the end result.

Sadly I don't think you have much option now. You can either be seen as "rich and tight" or continue to bail them out. I don't think trying to explain to them will probably lead to a successful outcome.

I think it is almost inevitable that you are going to lose contact with them or end up no contact, because I doubt whether there is any way they are ever going to believe you that you are not considerably richer than them and from the sense of entitlement they have demonstrated so far I think they are unlikely to change their attitude.

A sad situation all round. You are not unreasonable, but I doubt whether you are going to be able to do anything about it. Probably a good time to lose contact before they start coming to you for "loans" which is probably going to lead to further issues when you refuse.

Guilt tripped about not supporting family members - this is out of order from your family. Report the mortgage advisor. Pay for nothing unless you invite your family. Tell them that their sponging attitude is disgraceful. They should have happy for you to have a good salary not putting themselves in line for free stuff.