Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

Well I pay for the odd extended family meal but wouldn't pay for a four course expensive meal. Just normal gastro pub /restaurant places. Starter main dessert plus drinks. My family wouldn't expect it though. And they might sneak off to pay first. I don't mind treating people.

I don't understand why you paid for the four course fancy meal? If someone tries to "make" me pay for their food I wouldn't see them again.

I ignore the "you're loaded" comments from cousins. It's a bit embarrassing.

I do think YABU because paying for less well off family members at a meal is fairly normal and I'd hate to see them scrimp for a meal I could easily afford. I'm not expected to "help them out" in the rest of their life.

I think yanbu that your family in particular sound rather toxic.

We have one sibling wealthy.

One sibling made redundant with mortgage and generally low income.
Sibling who is comfortable said I'm.am here if you need me.
You will have always have a roof and and your family will not go hungry.

The relief on the other siblings face was unmeasureable. Just the relief.
He is and will.find a job but to say those words took away the stress away at that moment.

Hope you weren’t a complete doormat and passed the bill back!

If you family are struggling financially, it's inevitable that they are expecting you to pay

When we were struggling financially because DH was made redundant when I was on maternity leave, we didn’t go out to restaurants. We didn’t expect family members to pay. That’s not ‘inevitable’.

The mortgage advisor has breached their duty of client confidentiality, not GDPR.

That's so rude. My BIL and SIL earn about as much as you do and our income is low enough for our dc to get free school meals. They have never bought anything for us apart from the usual birthday/Christmas presents and not would I expect them to.

Jesus fucking Christ. That is appalling.

I’d tell them all exactly what I thought of them and go NC. Disgusting behaviour.

Even other things like posh cars, designer handbags, flash holidays are things that will indicate that you are out earning them.

The more I think about it the more I doubt the mortgage adviser (who's probably also earning plenty) would open their mouth.

It will be all the other indicators of wealth.

If my siblings knew some of our financial matters, they’d be seething with jealousy. Thats why we play everything down. We underplay everything.

I do agree it wasn’t wise to use someone connected to her family because i keep family and business separate. However, my siblings earn way more than me , one (accountant) earns around 75K the other (medical professional who also has investments ) earns over 100K and both are childfree. I’d never be jealous!

Perhaps OP didn’t realise there were those kind of vibes in her family. I can’t imagine being jealous of my siblings 😣

This isn’t a conversation I’d have with a group. In my family, I’d probably talk to either my dm or dsis and in DH’s family that lynchpin would be mil.

I’d say that their treatment of you and your partner has been appalling, and left you feeling hurt and used. That you are not inclined to attend family events going forward if this doesn’t stop completely.

It’s pretty humiliating to be expected to roll over and pay up every time. Just because they’re justifying it as you “rolling in it” doesn’t change the power play, ganging up and bullying vibe. That’s a very high price to pay to be a member of the family, before you even count the £££

But I suppose those are the things you need to think about too - why have you accepted this shabby treatment? What are your family dynamics like otherwise? What’s your role in the family?

Have the conversation 1:1 with whoever wields the influence. It’s much harder for them to make fun of you without a gallery to play to.

Is it possible that the mortgage advisor didn't share your details, but family know you have applied for a mortgage and bought a house bigger than what they would be able to buy? So they might not know specifics but have the perception of you being loaded.

If you know for a fact that the mortgage advisor shared your personal details then you absolutely must report them.

And stop accepting invites to pay for everyone else's meals.

Yes I agree with this. While my brother knows I earn well as he's also in the civil service, we make sure to play down Hs salary and not indicate how much our household earns. Otherwise it just makes things difficult.

If you family are struggling financially, it's inevitable that they are expecting you to pay. How were they made aware of your finances? That needs addressing.
Now we can understand why people who win the lottery fall out with family and friends

We have exactly this with dh's family. They always say dh is the "glue" that holds the family together. More like the golden goose.

That is so annoying and grabby. I don’t think I’d cut them off but I’d just stop picking the bill up. If someone handed it to me I’d look it and then pass it around while asking everyone to take a note of how much they spent. I’d also shoot down any snidey comments or mention how a large part of it goes on tax but that’s really neither here nor there. They’re just not entitled to your money. Period.

I don’t earn anywhere near six figures but I had a friend like this. She got the biggest shock when I just stopped paying the bill and she had to fork out for herself.

The irony is her own partner doesn’t even take her out for dinner but she expected me to pay the bill for her just because I earn more (due to working full time) and she chooses to work part-time despite the fact her kids are all 12+

The next time an invitation is sent out, address it directly.

You: “Thank you for the invitation. Will everyone be paying for their own meals?”

Them: “Yes I suppose so if you’re not willing to you help your poor family out, you greedy selfish pig ” (or words to that effect)

You: “I am hurt that you seem only to value me for my money. In future please only invite me if you want my company. I will not be picking up anyone else’s bill, unless it is my choice to do so.”

Did you just say nothing and pay!?

Why!?

YANBU maybe if they weren't so entitled you'd help someone in genuine poverty. Their finances are not your issue. Be the bad guy in their story and cut them off, you are anyway so why should you pay for everything as well.

@Spotlightdeck

family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us

And why, exactly, didn't you pass it straight back again?

If they are family make sure you say upfront we will not be paying and the bill will be split. You may find you don't have to cut anyone off they will cut themselves off and you will be left with the genuine family members who like you for your company not your salary

Absolutely this. You won't be missing much, by the sound of it.

I have a bit of this from my family. I might have words if I hear it mentioned again. It's very annoying.

The thread about the team leader who took a grifter out and then ensured he paid his share is worth a read.

Mortgage advisor needs reporting. Re the family id lie and say lost your jobs and taken cheaper job. Also stop paying...pay your bill no one else

This. It is an offence to breach GDPR and frankly, you should complain to their employers and the financial ombudsman. The cheeky so-and-so should never have disclosed any info!
As for the family, next meeting, make it clear if they expect you to pay, they are very much mistaken! If they can't get over themselves, then that's their problem.

How sure can you be that it was the mortgage advisor who spilled the beans?

It doesn't take much to work out your in x profession & he's in y you must be earning a packet.
Zoopla will also say what you paid for your house.

However giving them the benefit of the doubt you shouldn't be expected to foot the bill.

The next time you are invited out make it clear the bill is being split BEFORE you accept the invite.
Sorry we can't foot the bill, we have a mortgage to pay