To be approaching 40 with no friends

Its hard and it does get harder as you get older. In my case I have maybe one friend, but she is not a best friend. No family either apart from DD. I do keep my guard up as I had a lot of friends who treated me like dirt, all take no give. Sometimes I prefer it like this as I know not to be disappointed by anyone, it's sad.

I would join local hobby groups but I know that's hard if you work full time and have kids. It's really true that sense of community has just gone. There is definitely a friendless epidemic nowadays.

Yes def hard when we older. My circle quite small. Tiring chasing people though they cant do x day and will be in touch. I cant be ass with it now. My sister has good few friends but says takes load of effort.

Like relationships, friendships take work and compromise.

I have some ride or die friends who I know will alway be there for me, but that means being there for them. Which is why I travelled over an hour tonight a work night for a friend's birthday drinks - she has had a bad few months and this is improtant to her - so no question - I am there.

Equally there are wider groups of friends through circumstance - work colleagues, neighbours, hobby friends, friends of friends who will not last the distance but you get pleasure and value from their company for that period of time - ironaically they can be more intense than your ride or die friends due to proximity but they will naturally fall away as circumstances change and that is not an issue.

I don't. I have had that much rejection as a child growing up by my own family that I don't take risks. I guess that would mean I need therapy to help me start to let go a bit and be the one making moves. I can totally see where I go wrong. I'm too guarded. I enjoy doing my own thing too but sometimes you think it would be nice to go for a coffee with someone. I have tried on occasion after having children but been rejected, looking back the people I made an effort with were not nice people and I didn't quiet see it early enough. It's a bit of a minefield as another poster said.

I'm not friendless but I've moved around a lot in my adult life and my friends are scattered and there's not one 'group'. I sometimes see my old group of school friends online doing stuff together - they all stayed in same town after school and had kids together etc. similarly I see the baby group I was friends with doing stuff and I left that as well. Now I'm in a new town, I could make the effort to create a group of friends or join one some way but like me, people already have people so a)it's harder to break in and b) I still have other friends far away who I invest in and therefore it doesn't leave time to make new friends locally.
Personally I blame social mobility and globalisation 😁

So, no advice but I'm in a similar boat. Think it s a tough age to make friends. My retired in laws moved and made loads of new friends..they had time and money to invest and a common interest of retiring with others. Roll on retirement!

This is what upsets me. If I ever met a guy, many would warn him off me. I am 39, still at home. Never married. Chronic illnesses, no friends.
I'm a kind, thoughtful and loving person but all the above would instantly put someone off and that makes me so sad.

I've been seeing mine for 5 years, told him I can't be arsed with people anymore, and I probably wouldn't move in because I love my space. He's fine with it, doesn't mind me being anti social at all.

If we ever did decide to get married I would bugger off with him and my kids and be done with it.

Can any of the folks without friends tell us how they explain it to their partners, potential partners, partners' friends and families, etc? What about weddings - do people ask about one side of the church looking a but scant? What do you say to them?

You’ve mentioned that you have no issue making friends but they don’t extend outside that setting. What have you done to take those friendships from situational, to something else? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy, and you risk rejection but I do think it’s a numbers game (a bit like dating).

I feel so seen when I read these posts. You are not alone. I wish there was a club for people like us.

I'm also pretty friendless at 37 these days and have times when I feel like there's something wrong with me. So many friendships have faded for me - usually because they were based on being in same place at same time eg uni/ workplace but as soon as that changes then things fizzle out.

Then I've distanced myself from certain people or they've distanced themselves from me etc

When I read about some of the friendship group dramas on MN though some I'm glad I don't have to deal with that crap.

I'm mid 40s and have no friends. It used to bother me, but more in the sense of being seen as weird and a social failure, rather than actually wanting friends. Now I'm very focused on my young family and I don't feel the need or desire for friendship - I don't have the time or head space to spare. I realised during lockdown that I'm happiest spending time with my immediate family and I no longer want to waste my energy on people that I don't care about.

I expect that as my dc get older I'll return to some hobby groups and build acquaintances through that, but I don't really want the hassle of deeper friendships with all the obligations and drama.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I've moved nearly once a year chasing a dream. Where in the country are you? We could be friends!

Friendships like any relationship are a two-way street and require a degree of vulnerability and risk-taking on your part initially to see if you connect, to share something of yourself and see if someone will reciprocate that. That's how things progress from being just people who work together/have the same hobby for example to being friends.

Types of friendships vary too just like people. I am particularly good at one on one friendships so have many people I could meet for coffee or a museum trip or the like. Some friends are good for certain activities and not others, eg some I will bring my kids along and do a play date catch up and some I won't. I don't tend to do big groups of friends as I suck at group chat, so don't do girls' days or holidays with lots of people.

Close to 50....no real friends! Suits me. I've had friends over the years but end up getting stabbed in the back and /or bullied. So now I can't be arsed! I have my DP, 3 kids, get on well with work colleagues. Don't waste my time or energy on anyone else.

Have you ever enjoyed girls' days out - I realised recently that spending all day with someone chatting about mostly girly things, spa days, that type of thing - I can manage an hour or two but after that I am jaded and tired and ready to go home!!
Different if I'm seeing someone I haven't seen for years and there's a lot to catch up on but someone I see regularly - well once you've gossiped about anyone you both know, caught up about family then that's enough for me - home time.......i'm bored!

If you were to look at my social media you would see me tagged in bingo nights And other nights out with a group of girls. We have a good time but between those events I don't speak to them much , I don't know much about their lives and I like it that way. We meet up , go out , have fun and then that's it till next time. I've found that any more than that and you're being agony aunt and problem solver and I'm just not able for that kind of involvement

Could have wrote your OP myself. I just wish I had one decent friend who I could meet for lunch or for a coffee. Makes me really sad.

@Honourspren Happy birthday 💐 X

There was just recently a post on here about a poor woman having the holiday from hell with her influencer ‘friend’ and a group of other women who were ignoring her and freezing her out (she ended up coming home early). And I’m pretty sure there was a similar one not that long ago. So it’s worth bearing in mind that the type of group girls’ holidays you see on social media may very much not be as fun as they look.

That’s very much not to say that friendships aren’t worth cultivating - they are - but I’d focus on how you feel while you’re with people, and what counts for you as a good time, rather than taking what is very likely a constructed reality on social media as the norm.

These last few years people seem very interested in themselves or in what you can do for them, rather than being genuine friends. I don't think it's you at all OP.

@Honourspren Sending you birthday wishes. I really hope that you have a good year ahead.

I'm "celebrating" my birthday today. Well, crying, really, because I have no one who even thought of me. You're not alone. Maybe building relationships is a skill, but for those of us who are neurodiverse and have moved places a fair few times there's very little chance of building real friendships at this age. Most people are still busy with family and existing friends. Things may change again in a few decades when kids have flown nests, but until then it's a long slog.

I have felt like this too. These things happen and I feel that friendships are everywhere so it can feel that you're the only one without but no one has everything they want in life

You have a long life ahead of you should you wish to make friends