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Original poster

To want overachieving partner to stop 'motivating' me in my career?

57 replies

Rizzo8 · 16/07/2024 14:13

Been with partner almost a year, fairly serious.

He is an academic and I do a few things. I'm an early career author (first book) and I have a full time day job. The day job earns well and I enjoy it. It has decent salary progression but I'm never going to be filthy rich.

My partner earns 10k more than I do and has aspirations to earn a lot more. Since becoming an academic he is rubbing shoulders with a lot of senior people earning massive sums of money and has got a taste for that kind of life.

In the last few months he has twice said 'you could be an academic too if you wanted, you're more than capable' bla bla. I know that but I don't want to. It simply doesn't interest me.

But the fact it's a recurring theme bothers me - like he's disappointed with me as a partner when I do well in my own right. He also meets a lot of women around our age who are academics so it worries me sometimes.

What would you say to him if you were me?

OP posts:
Lavenderblue11 · 16/07/2024 14:23

You should dig your heels in and stick to what you are enjoying doing. Your partner has clearly gotten swept up in the whole academia thing and is trying to force you along for the ride. He may well start mixing with other women who are similar minded to him, but it would be a mistake for you to go down that route just to please him. He needs to understand and respect that you are different to him, if this causes problems further down the line then there is a different conversation to be had.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/07/2024 14:23

Does he know and understand that you are happy as you are? If I’m being generous maybe he thinks you would like to follow in those footsteps and just need someone to believe in you/give you some encouragement?

Superscientist · 16/07/2024 14:21

I know quite a few academics and most wouldn't recommend it!
They also can all only manage the academic life because their partner is not an academic!
My partner is an academic and we would really have struggled with job security and short term contracts and reliance on grant funding if I didn't have a "real" job.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/07/2024 14:21

It sounds like your values aren't really aligned. I would just call it a day, honestly.

Original poster
Rizzo8 · 16/07/2024 14:21

@parietal last week at a conference he had dinner with someone who earns a very big six figure sum. Think it put ideas in his head.

Although he started this line before. For me I wonder if he loves and respects me as I am - why does he need to influence me when I've lived my own life happily before meeting him?

To be clear, I'm not looking for LTB advice right now, but how to make it clear to him how I'm feeling. I struggle with this particular topic.

OP posts:
Eadfrith · 16/07/2024 14:19

cough tell him to fuck off and meet someone who’s not Hyacinth Bucket

But seriously, I measure my partner by how willing they are to accept me for me, and give support with things that I am trying to achieve. Your partner is the type to project his own aspirational standards on you meaning that he really doesn’t understand who you are. Leave him.

parietal · 16/07/2024 14:16

being an academic is NOT a good way to earn money. salaries are notoriously crappy and don't go up much. So unless he is in a business school or something, I don't know who he is rubbing shoulders with.

just tell him that you don't want to be an academic. especially in the humanities, jobs are being cut all over the place and it is not a secure career to move into.

sounds a bit like he is being pretentious and doesn't know what academia is actually like.