To want overachieving partner to stop 'motivating' me in my career?

I'm wondering if this is actually a cynical attempt to impress you if he thinks that women are all about "marrying up" (in terms of wealth).

Reply well if you really tried you could be - a golf pro/gym instructor/concert pianist/whatever he has no interest in.
It might sink in.

It doesn't bode well, OP. He's putting you down and creating insecurities early on. It doesn't matter you both dream of a house on the coast, everyone day dreams. What matters are his actions now.

When you start a relationship, you accept each other for who you are. Trying to change someone and what they want in llife never goes well.

I think being an academic is choosing pretty much public service over financial gain. It's not well paid and these days not that secure.

I would use a 2-word epithet but I've never had career aspirations. Ended up well off but that's another story...

I'm wondering if it's partially insecurity? Maybe convincing himself he will be better off then you eventually because he sees you are happy and a home owner and more well rounded generally?

What would you say to him if you were me?

I have no interest in being an academic-why do you keep talking as if that’s what I should be doing with my career?

"stop patronising me. I'll choose my own career, if that's not good enough for you, you know where the door is".

Is probably something like what I'd say.

This is so incredibly weird.

Academia is really, really Badly paid for the level of qualifications and work.

No one enters Academia for the money.

He doesn't seem to understand what Academia is or that it's a really bad life choice if he wants to be a big earner

Congratulations on your book!

Gently remind him next time he mentions it, JKR is richer than the King (and the King of England too).

He sounds like a snob with delusions of grandeur (sorry). Hopefully he snaps out of it!

Are you and him likely to want children at some point?

Of course you don't have to, but most people do and usually, raising children involves at least one person (usually the mother) losing some career progression/earnings. You don't have to go all surrendered wife and give up work to handmake jam etc. But even women in high flying, well paid jobs with kids can be negatively affected, even with childcare etc someone needs to take emergency leave when the children are sick. It might mean one woman gives up her job. It might mean another is earning 100k not 120.

Thats fine - if you have a supportive partner who also wants children and understands the costs (and values you as more than an extra paycheck). But in your situation I would worry that he might well end up feeling as if you aren't contributing/trying as hard as him while you deal with everything he can't because he's a high flyer academic

I think, after a year, it's well worth having that conversation. And definitely make sure you are on the same page before TTC. Because children change everything.

I know prof’s that earn 6 figures, but also Oxford Prof’s that don’t.

Sounds to me that he wants you to want a role or to value it more than you do.

I would find that really tough and have been in relationships as lower income earner (happy in my industry though)

He probably thinks he is helping you but have you told him how you feel? Money isn't everything, happiness is far more important

As pp says, do NOT add him to your mortgage, and think very carefully about marriage if the only asset is your flat. You could get really shafted here.

He can either be happy with you or go off with an academic if he prefers.

Don’t add to him to your mortgage!

Make sure you’re financially protected. He’s clearly money focused.

One of the issues with academia is it's a bit like a pyramid scheme. I can't remember whether it's of undergrads or PhDs but only 1% will become professors

There's the constant drive for publications and grant funding then getting through REF, teaching commitments, marking and so on

My partner did do a bit of consultancy but he would be very hesitant to do it again. It was a lot of work and by the time the university and tax man took their cut it wasn't worth the effort and part of the reason he likes academia is not having a boss and freedom to explore the science that interests him and not following the demands of another person which is what the consultancy ended up.

I wonder if he has been love bombed by academia with the recent events and now is a bit googoo eyed and who wouldn't want to join the dream? Maybe it's worth a discussion about his contingency planning for academia and talk about the pros of your way of life!

I wouldn't have gotten through my PhD if I thought that academia was the only option. The prize in my eyes was a post doc position in industry. I'm just not the right personality for academia. Spending almost 5 years justifying my existence and constantly having my supervisor trying to get me kicked off the course was relentless and demolarising

i'm a prof and I'm most definitely not on 6 figures. Our head of dept probably is, but the starting point for a professor in London is around £82K.

anyone in academia is clever enough to earn 10x the salary if they went into law / city / IT / etc. It is not a job that you do for the money. especially given the long hours and general insecurity etc.

All profs in my dept are on six figures. And many of them will have private consultancy work where they double that. But that really involves horrendous hours so you don't want to encourage that as it will be you (op) who is the one facilitating that. **

There was a thread here a while back titled something like ‘which profession would you not date, based on working that profession’. Police officer came first, then surgeon but academic did get a lot of mentions.

I know that doesn’t answer your question 😁

It kind of implies that being an academic is the pinnacle of achievement. I remember some of my peers as an undergraduate stanning the PHD students. It seemed a bit, not juvenile, but having kind of narrow horizons.

only the very senior leaders at a university would be on 6-figures! He sounds a bit unrealistic about his own prospects. It sounds like there's a compatibility issue if he's only focused on money and progression over other things in life.

Well done you! He sounds like he has major boundary issues.

Hope you are ok! X