is this unforgivable in a friendship?

I don’t get some of your points OP. How is being a single mum ‘ a tricky card to play?’ And why would shutting him down have to involve telling his wife?

Sounds like you loved the drama and attention a bit too much and you honestly can’t think that flirting with your friends partner and telling him you have feelings for him is normal and acceptable?

This man didn’t have feelings for you. He’s a stereotypical grubby chancer who probably tries the same shit with any woman he sees as desperate. He’s a textbook sleazy creep getting his jollies by a bit of extra marital flirting. But you fell for his bollocks and betrayed your friend so it’s a bit disingenuous to now play the innocent.

Yes this is on him but you played your part. You shit on your own doorstep and now you’re suffering the consequences. Of course it’s easier to shut you off than leave her husband and in her shoes I’d be telling mutual friends you can’t be trusted too. Why would the other women want a friend like you?

Yes the men do get away with it and the woman gets the crap but if you hadn’t put yourself in this position, then there wouldn’t be any blame on you. Actions have consequences so stop playing the victim and stay away from married men. It’s really not difficult

Indeed.

You allowed yourself to get that close. You admitted feelings. You then didn't block him.

Of course she's distanced herself, you were having an emotional affair with her husband.

am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband?

But you've no idea if he is coming out smelling of roses. Even if she divorced him she'd probably still want nothing to do with you. She may be fully aware of the truth, but has decided to stay with him - people stay after their partner has full on physical affairs, so it's not unbelievable.

It sounds like you think there's been some lie told about you, and that people would view you differently if they knew the truth, but I'm not sure that's the case.

To be honest, I find it a bit off that you seem more concerned about how you come out of the situation, rather than how the woman who you say is your friend is feeling.

It’s his responsibility as he’s the one thats married. But she doesn’t have to your friend given that you participated willingly.

If she's blocked you on all social media platforms and removed you from group chats then she knows something.

If you've gone as far as moving house and jobs to get away from this, why are you even responding to his messages? Why not just block him?

I would have never said I had feelings for him, because that was giving him the green light. You should have rejected him straight away. The inappropriate messages he sent, you should have screen shotted them before blocking him everywhere. You encouraged it because you enjoyed the attention. Your ex friend probably saw all of the messages, and was shocked at how long you've both been messaging inappropriately. You were not a good friend here at all. They'll probably work through it and stay together. The rest of the friends hqve probably seen the messages, and probably don't trust you very much now. Be a better friend next time.

@CeruleanDive

You could have shut up him down without telling her

She didn't tell her and she did all she could to distance herself.

It does feel unfair that he stays married and their social life seemingly continues. Whilst you as the ‘single’ one, end up ostracised and cut off from friends. But this was never going to end well. Stop flattering his ego and block him.

And whilst he is married and responsible for his actions, I do think your behaviour is what makes some people avoid ‘predatory’ single women as they think they are after their husbands. I don’t feel this way but I know that some married women are wary of single women. I have always considered this unfair and ridiculous but your actions really don’t help dispel that stereotype.

If she knew the truth

She knows the truth!

Yes, these things don't just 'happen'. There are baby steps involving poor choices and actions, starting with a nod or a smile at the school gate, leading to a conversation, leading to longer, more frequent conversations, swapping phone numbers etc etc.
This is what happened with my dp; he initiated the contact, but she didn't shut him down.

There is no evidence he's lied though? The wife could have found all the messages. Because if she hasn't, what reason would he have for randomly telling his wife if the OP had moved away etc now. The most likely thing is she's found the messages and has read them herself. All that's happened is the OP has been blocked. Maybe the wife has thrown him out. Maybe she knows everything but they have decided to stay together as it was "only" messages. The OP "thinks" the wife would throw him out if she knew. But that's only what she thinks. Really she has no idea about their marriage. Maybe he's got another other woman as well as the OP he messages. There's no evidence of anything other than the OP is blocked.

I said, she should have blocked him.

But she has not had an affair with him. She has not tried to steal him from her friend. All she has done is not been firm enough in shutting down the inappropriate contact from him. No doubt because she was flattered, or she felt lonely, or because it's been a while since she had these kinds of feelings for someone. No, it's not great, but she is not the "other woman". She clearly could have been, if she had properly encouraged this man. But she didn't, because she knew it was wrong.

He's the married one, he's the one who is 100% in the wrong here.

In a way, the OP would have done her friend a bigger favour by having a full blown affair with him, because what's probably happening is that her friend has found the messages and gone ballistic, but doesn't feel able to walk away from her marriage over a few messages, so she's staying with her husband but the trust has gone now.

Sounds like YOU took action and distanced yourself from him. HE didn’t and kept messaging you even though you didn’t take the bait.

So as he has now lied to his wife about you, I would post her screenshots of his messages and your responses, so she can see what scum he is.

I'm not sure what being a single mother has to do with this to be honest? Anyone can try and have a go on their so called friends husband, single or not. It's just about whether you've got the morals not to I suppose? I mean being single, you have a whole army of single males to try to 'connect' with, but you've gone for someone else's husband - what's the single mother bit got to do with it?

I think he has apologised to his wife profusely, probably after she found texts to you on his phone. He'll have told her you meant nothing, maybe even he tried shifting the first moves on to you, etc etc. It's far easier for her to shift the blame onto you and remove you as a friend, than end her marriage and kick him out.

I do agree that the blame for ruining a marriage mainly needs to be with the married man. But there's no evidence that isn't the case? The wife is still right to block her friend anyway. She can 100% blame her husband but still not want anything to do with her "friend" who admitted feelings etc and whilst may not have encouraged it, didn't stop it either.
If one of my friends became "close" with my husband and admitted feelings for him, I'd still blame her for betraying our friendship. I'd blame my husband for ruining our marriage. So it's possible for the wife to blame the husband but still want nothing to do with the friend.
If it was a stranger that's different. A stranger isn't my friend and hasn't betrayed me in the same way. I wouldn't need to block a stranger as they wouldn't be on my phone/ in group chats to start with.

You should have blocked him a long time ago and moved on (you should still block him now, even if he splits from his wife no good will come of seeing a guy you can’t trust).

She was right to block you. He’s a sleazy twat but you could have avoided all this too. Wouldn’t stop him being a sleazy twat with others, but would have stopped you from losing your friends.

am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband?

But he's not come out smelling of roses. I doubt he's being awarded a "best husband in the world" mug with breakfast in bed. His wife is likely going through a world of hurt, betrayal, anger, and confusion right now so I doubt it's all rainbows and sunshine for them at the moment. You're not the victim in this scenario. She is.

Why are you so sure she'd leave him over this? You've downplayed the situation a lot yourself, yet you're so sure she'd leave him in a heartbeat if she knew the truth? And you're also convinced he must've told her lies for her to block you? So the "truth", by your estimation, is bad enough for her to leave him, but not bad enough for her to block you? A lot of cognitive dissonance in your post.

Honestly, you need to just move on.

If you couldn't even bring yourself to shut him down and block his texts, why is it supposed to be so easy for his actual wife and mother of his children to do rip apart her family?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Totally disagree, we are all responsible our own actions and, regardless of the actions of others, I take 100% responsibility for how I treat my friends. The first time the lying scumbag showed an interest, op should have shut him down. The second time, she tells him to pack the fuck in, or she will tell her friend, his wife. It’s quite simple and it works, I assure you.

I think the OP is only guilty of being honest. When you are single you don't shut down that side of your life where you might become attracted to others in the same way that you do when you are married. But at the same time, I can see why the wife's other friends might feel they are betraying her if they see the OP.

You played with fire and you got burned.

Take it as a lesson learned and leave that part of your life behind.

You said you moved, got a new job etc., so you can leave it behind.

I'd get a new phone number and never bother with these friends again.

They will never be your friend now, so save yourself the heartache and leave it all behind.

Everyone on here will make out you are evil, as they consider falling in love with a married man to be worse than murder. It isn't.

(And I say this as somebody whose husband was "stolen" by another school mom - very similar situation. But I am glad he is with her not me, as why on earth would I want a man to stay with me if he loved somebody else more? It set me free to find someone who truly valued me).

I don't really see, OP, why you and the other man are doing this noble self denial thing. Doesn't his wife deserve much better than a man who texts another woman all the time saying he would rather be with her?

Who exactly are you doing a favour to? In honesty it sounds like between you you are destroying three people's chance of happiness. And the wife I feel most sorry for as she has no real say - she may well believe this man truly loves her....

If I were all of you I would not want to live a lie like this. In fact I chose not to - I left my husband when he started an affair with a school mom. And we are now all much happier!

Nobody is someone's possession, so it isn't possible to "steal" someone.

No idea where you are getting that from. I've never been in this position.

The OP says that she tried to shut down her friend's husband's messages and did not encourage them. What she needed to do was block him so he couldn't keep sending them.

Clearly what has happened is that her friend has found the messages.

If the OP had shut this down at the outset, there wouldn't have been any messages to find.

But 99% of the blame here has to lie with the married man who was repeatedly initiating inappropriate conversations with his wife's friend.

She's blocked you on every platform because she's found your messages and he's told her it's all you . The real question is why you are not blocking him seeing that you can never speak to either of them again. Are you waiting for the next drunk text so you can send it to his wife?