is this unforgivable in a friendship?

And this my friend is why single mothers are never included.

I've never had feelings for anybody's husband but ... as the kids grow up, I'm never included and they meet up with their husbands occasionally perhaps, they have other friend groups, but the single parent us never included.

So I feel cross with you!!!!

Because a small percentage of single parents get into these situations, we all pay the price of being excluded. To a degree.

I’m stunned you’re angry that xhes trying to make her marriage work. Plenty do. Of course you need to be excluded. And none of the other women will trust you either. You told him you’d feelings for him and that trumped any feeling of guilt for his wife. Who would want to be your friend. I certainly wouldn’t. You wanted to steal her life.

Do you have any other friends apart from this group? I cant get my head around a woman throwing good friendships away for one man. A man who tries to have an affair with his wife's friend. I mean, he's not one of the good ones is he?
Do they have children? A home? The reason she could be blaming you is because it's easier. It's hard to face up to the reality of the man you ended up with, it's complicated to seperate and she's probably trying to protect her children. Let's be honest, he won't.
You need to have a think about all of that @pam72 . Why were you so willing to disregard your friends for a shit man? Were you lonely? Such a shame and you know as well as the rest of us, he isn't worth it.

You had an emotional affair with her husband. You admit you didn't fully shut him down. Of course you could have done by blocking him, but you clearly enjoyed it.
She has found out, and may or may not want to resolve their problems, that is her prerogative. Outside of MN, far more people do repair after infidelity than don't. And no doubt he has told her it was all just a stupid fantasy on his part, which it was,, and most relationships that start as affairs do fail.
Why would any of the others in the group would want you anywhere near their husbands ? You have shown you cannot be trusted to have appropriate boundaries around partnered men, so of course they will all want you kept away.

You say being a single mum is a tricky card. Only because of people like you who flirt with and don't discourage other people's partners.

You were both wrong. You told him you had feelings for him, and entertained his musings about your possible life together - so yes this was unforgiveable from a 'friend'. It doesn't mean that he has lied to her. If he told her exactly what you have written here - the truth - she would still hate you, because what you did was wrong. She is married to him, they have a family and a life together. The likelihood is that he hasn't come out smelling of roses but she has chosen to try to work things out with him. I think it's pretty easy to understand. I think your anger is misdirected to be honest, take responsibility for own actions - and they had nothing to do with being a single mum making the situation tricky to navigate. You were flattered with the attention and failed to shut him down when you should have. She rightly probably hates you both. Do the dignified thing now, and just back off. Leave them to try to fix their marriage.

Right so, what In picking up from this is-

1. it is definitely an issue that you consider this woman a close friend, yet allow yourself to develop feelings for her husband and entertain his attention. You clearly do not respect your friend and your friendship or her relationship enough for this to happen;
2. I am going to repeat this to everyone over and over again, this happens not because “you can’t control your feelings or who we develop feelings for” it happens because you have a skewed moral compass and lack of respect. This happens to other people who have the same personal weaknesses, there’s lots of mentally and emotionally weak people out there, who raise emotionally and mentally weak kids very often. You’re not doing some sort of service for sharing this and looking for advice. If you’re an adult raising kids you should know better.
3. All her circle will cut you off, anyone who respects her enough will cut you out it’s normal and expected. Trust has been broken.
4. Being a single mum is not tricky or whatever. Married men in a committed relationship should not be in your radar even.

Yes it is unforgivable and you should have told her years ago about his behaviour you’ve been entertaining his “friendship “ behind her back for years no wonder she’s blocked you she can’t trust you nor him
im sure she knows what her husband is and maybe she saw the messages and maybe she doesn’t like your responses or the fact you never told her about him
maybe she feels stupid like you’ve been laughing at her behind her back
either way you e not acted like a friend to her and it comes across as very sneaky and I’d not want you in my friendship group either as I’d feel there were no respect or trust with you if you can go about like that.

You aren't the main villain here op, but you certainly aren't the victim

These are my thoughts too. Its easy and very flippant to say she should have left him but when your lives are enmeshed with finances and kids its not easy or simple to just up and leave- surely you realise that?

As for her blocking you - of course she bloody would, what on earth did you expect her to do?- continue with cosy coffee chats where you both discuss how naughty he's been? I would block you too if I was her- you've betrayed your friend and it doesnt reflect well on you at all regardless of the fact he made the marriage vows.

Much harder to walk away from an idiot who sniffed around your DH than what it is to walk away from your idiot DH who sniffed around a friend. Father to your children, a huge part of your life. I've never been in this situation, but I know one would be so much easier to fuck off than the other.

Gosh, I thought you were going to say taking months to text your best mate back or taking longer than agreed to pay £100 back after borrowing or something like that from your thread title.

It’s not even a question for me. You’re not to be trusted. You’ve disrespected a friend’s marriage. You’ve been dishonest. You’ve a hid a secret. You’ve repeatedly sought validation from a friend’s spouse and kept it going because you’re needy. And you’ve completely failed to take responsibility for your role in this. Who needs a friend like that?

Not only would I distance myself from you if it were my husband, I would keep you at bay if I heard you’d behaved like this with anyone’s husband.

You aren't the main villain here op, but you certainly aren't the victim.
I think it sounds as though they are trying to repair their marriage, and the only way this can happen is if you are blocked. You can't expect to stay in a friendship group when you had an emotional affair with one of the husbands.
You know that you massively betrayed her. From her point of view you tried to steel her life.

What the fuck do you expect her to do and why are you putting this on her?

She’s trying to save her marriage. She knows her husband is a sleaze and either knows or suspects that there’s something between the two of you.

She can hardly allow this to carry on under her nose and she’s married to him and not you. Obviously she is likely to prioritise the relationship with the person she is legally married to and financially yoked to. Yes he’s a total sleaze but you seem to be implying that she is unreasonable in not tacitly tolerating this?

Meanwhile you are loving the attention and turning it into some great love story in your head. If you really wanted to draw a line you should have blocked him a long time ago.

You can’t have it both ways. Either you genuinely want to be this woman’s friend, in which case you make it abundantly clear to her husband that this has to stop. Or you continue to entertain yourself with this fantasy about him being in love with you and accept that your friendship isn’t real. You can’t expect her to allow you to play both sides.

Luckiily this woman is a step ahead of you. Grow up.

Obviously you should have ignored him - not said had feelings and blocked him

I don't blame the wife at all

She was your friend

Doesn't matter you didn't kiss or sleep with him

You had intent

You were still unfaithful by replying to his texts and betraying your friend

I'm sorry, but the time to block his number was right after the first "very full on message".

Instead of shutting it down immediately, you encouraged this and allowed it to go on for way longer than it should have.

But something did happen. They started an emotional affair. Which for a lot of people (myself included) is as much of a betrayal as a physical one.

It may absolve OP of some guilt to tell her friend that nothing physical happened, but don't presume to think that it will in any way soften the blow for her friend.

You don't know that she's blaming you. And she's not punishing you, she's just realised that your friendship was one sided. Now that she's aware you're not actually a friend she's blocking you. It's completely possible she's blaming her husband 100% but it's a lot harder to dissolve that relationship. She has more skin in the game there.

Yes, this sums it up. You seem more upset that he hasn't been thrown out on his ear than concerned about your so called friend and what horrible betrayal and upset she is going through which I find completely lacking in any human empathy.

This isnt a competition - noone is going to end up "the winner" here, and maybe you need to consider that he has been lying to you all along - perhaps he does want to stay with his wife and has just said that to you in the hopes of getting an easy shag. Why on earth you'd believe a man who could betray his wife so easily and carelessly is beyond me. He has literally shown you who he is which is completely untrustworthy and yet you believe all his pathetic lies- why?

Did you reply to him at all? "Becoming close" to someone and developing "feelings" then telling them is dire.

After the first inappropriate message you should have shut him down very clearly. It seems you tried to keep being friends?

That was always going to get you dumped by friends. It's not about sisterhood. It's about being a decent human being.

Tou are in it to win it with this man now. If you don't mind being the homewrecker it looks like he could be single too soon. Good luck making that messy family situation work.

Please don’t.

Just leave her alone.

You fucked about and found out, even if there was no physical sex involved. You learned about the incredibly unpleasant aspects of yourself, time to work on them and stop obsessing over someone else’s husband - which is all your post is about really. You’re mad he’s not suddenly single. It’s gross.

You told a married man - someone married to your friend no less, that you had feelings for him. You did not delete and block - you replied. Sure he’s the real bad one in this but you played your part. I’d do what your friend did. You are the other woman.

OP it just sounds like their relationship has serious problems and you’ve allowed yourself to be drawn into it. If it wasn’t you, it’s be someone else. Her DH is a cheat. It sounds like you did all the right things once you realised it had gone too far. I think your friend is wrong to punish you. It’s her DH who is the problem.

I’m also a single parent also and this thread makes me glad I’m single and not desperately trying to hang on to a crappy DH! Trust me, there are many more like him out there.

I agree with this post.

Weren’t you absolutely disgusted when your friend’s dh declared he had feelings for you? Didn’t it give you the ick? I have to say that’s how I reacted when a close friend’s partner came onto me. What do you think is missing in you that this wasn’t your reaction?

It’s only a tricky card to play when you start flirting with your friends husbands.

and it’s her prerogative to stay in her marriage and try to make it work. Nothing happened as such, but if you can’t see why she’s kicking you into the long grass and why the rest will do the same there is no point explaining it to uou