is this unforgivable in a friendship?

Presumably she has found out because she has seen the messages and if you're being honest when you say it was all him and you were simply telling him to stop and go to bed then she will already know her husband was a big part of the problem.

Why did you go to the lengths of changing jobs and moving homes to distance yourself but not just shut it down by blocking him? Sounds like you wanted to leave the door open for him and you enjoyed every second of it.

Of course her reaction is going to be to remove you from everything and tell the rest of her/your 'friends' about your behaviour. Why would any of them want anything to do with you now?

The friend owes nothing to the OP. Blame is irrelevant. Why would anyone with any self respect want to continue a friendship with someone who did what OP did?

Blimey OP of course you will be totally cut out from that group!

He won't because they are married and, presumably, they want to stay together (he's not beating a path to you is he).

She knows now that you and her DH have a strong attraction. Do you really think you can stay within that group when this emotional affair is out in the open?

He hasn't left so you have to. You are paying your price for your self indulgence, he will be paying his.

Not from a single mum perspective (as I feel the mum part is irrelevant) but a lot of my friends were long term coupled up/married when I was single and it never once occurred to me to look at their partners/husbands in a romantic way. You can agree with your friend that their husband is handsome but that's like me saying I think Jensen Ackles or Luke Bryan are handsome, an observation you don't sit and create into a romantic scenario. It was never tricky.

You both allowed this, you both had loyalties to your friend and using the "single mum so it's tricky" card is only relevant when someone behaves like you both have.

Why, so he gets away with blaming the woman?

Fuck that.

She thought you were her friend.
I have only met one woman who went after others partners and husbands. It wasn't because she was a single mum.
Of course your 'friend' was going to ghost you, and if she has told the others I expect their views of you will be clouded.
What she does now in her marriage is up to her. None of your business.
Learn from this, have better boundaries for yourself.

Well, as someone whose husband and best friend actually shagged, I think you did better than my so called "friend". You shouldn't have expressed feelings for him, but at least you woke up and put a stop to it, by moving away etc.

Now that you don't live close, surely this friendship group is over for you anyway?

What did you say in your texts to him? Would you feel comfortable with her reading them, in so much as it makes it obvious that he is the pursuer and you are rejecting him? Because I think she has read them, and that's what has sparked this blocking of you.

With my husband, he tried it on with all of my friends, so be aware, that he may have been doing this too - the scatter gun approach to see who bites. If he had feelings for you, then where is he?

I left my husband, and I ditched my so called friend. I'm over it now, and happily married to a much better man, but it was very painful at the time.

I'm perplexed as to how you got close over lockdown? You just didn't follow the rules? And all this time you spent together - what were you actually doing? Did you kiss him ever?

As someone whose partner had an affair, I have no time for the idea , that it’s the partner that is mainly to blame . It’s common decency to stay away from someone whose in a relationship.

This! That's what I thought, she's read them- he will blame you for not shutting him down and for whatever reason she's trying to save her marriage.

My reaction and decisions relating to my DH would be separate to my decisions about a friend who was in your place. Yes, I'd find it unforgivable. A friend would tell me what was going on rather than let me be made a fool of by my husband.

If a friend told me a mutual friend was having a flirty relationship with her husband, I would lose respect for the friend and back off that relationship too.

I think you are being unreasonable not to expect fall out from this.

Re the you are enjoying it comments.
I dont know if you are consciously enjoying it...But this is definitely meeting a need that you have.

Fwiw if i was one of the friendship group she wouldnt need to "turn me against you" I'd just want nothing to do with you. And it wouldnt be because i was scared you'd steal my husband it would be because of your poor morals and because you are a truly crappy friend.
Her shithead husband wouldn't be getting off scot free either.

Yes, what you did was unforgivable in a friendship.

And for those saying you didn’t act on it - actually you did act on it because you had a discussion about feelings. You allowed yourself to go there with a friend’s husband. And you’ve entertained inappropriate contact since. How on earth could you imagine that wasn’t treacherous behaviour for a friend to engage in?

As for this bollocks some people come out with about it all being on him because it’s his marriage vows: I’m pretty sure friendship involves an implied vow not to engage in romantic chats with your friends’ partners. It’s pretty shocking that you don’t seem to know that. Surely this is obvious, OP, and really doesn’t need explaining.

But God knows I have made some very serious mistakes in life - most of us do. All you can do is learn from this.

the responsibility is always, always on the married person to respect their marriage vows.

So single people have no social responsibility to respect their friendships or the marriage vows of others? How psychopathic!

Only people with weak morals and poor self-respect entertain the possibility of romance with someone who has taken themselves off the market, and particularly so for those who are the partners of friends.

She has found a message and he has blamed you. He's probably told her that he felt sorry for you.

Hit the nail on the head.

How you have created a narrative in your head that you are some kind of innocent victim in this is astounding.

Did you honestly think any of this group would continue to be friends with you after this? 🤯

And no mention at all about worrying about your friend? Feeling awful that you have had a hand in blowing up her marriage? Concern or empathy about her feelings? Unbelievable.

To answer your question.... Yes, it's unforgiveable!

Is interesting to me that 25% of voters say YANBU, but the posts are nearly 100% that you are. Or is it a misreading of the question?

I know a woman who was married and had a very shortlived affair with a man who was married, they socialised in a large friends group of married couples. He pursued her relentlessly. Because she had been married for many years and her husband was consumed by his work I think she was more vulnerable to the flattery of his interest in her. Of course when it all fairly inevitably went pear shaped the fall out was that she was the evil one and he carried on as normal. She was thrown out of the friendship group and pilloried. Her husband was also excluded from the friendship group. (They eventually after some time got back together and are still together.) At the time I thought it interesting that even though both had acted badly it was the female of the couple who was the one who was the tart ho etc etc . Obviously his wife had plenty to say but within the friendship group she was the real bad guy.

Over the years he has continued to push his luck with other women and his wife struggles on it seems.

A simple ‘do not message me again or I’ll tell your wife’ would probably have stopped it. I wonder why you didn’t think of that?

When I was a young single mum freshly out of an abusive relationship. I flirted with some of my friends partners because I was so insecure and desperate for a bit of positive attention. One of them decided to pursue me. I shut it down instantly but lost the friendship group and yes they stayed together. I learnt a valuable lesson and fully accepted my role in what happened.

Obviously it's crappy he gets off Scot free but they won't trust u now so yes you will be pushed aside

Also this.

You’d have shut him down by blocking him in the first place, not allowing it to get this far.
I was a single mum, never had this problem because I respected my friends and treated their husbands like the husbands of friends - not potential shagging partners.
He’s made a big mistake. You’ve made a huge mistake And yes, you’ve become ‘that’ woman, the one not to trust.

100% this by pp

the responsibility is always, always on the married person to respect their marriage vows.

If he wants out of his marriage then he should get out in a honest way without first trying to line up the next wifey.

Presumably she found his messages which based on what you’ve said here, would show that he was chasing and being full on with you, and your messages sang go to bed and give it a rest.

Many cheated partners find it easier to insist that their disloyal husband cease contact with the woman rather than going straight to splitting, divorce etc. Yes it feels like you’re being punished but if you’ve behaved as you have said in trying to push him away and stop it going further, then you can take some measure of satisfaction in that and hold on to that. Obvs either way you’re not going to be top of her Christmas card list. Her real problem is her unfaithful and cowardly DH but that’s up to her how she deals with that.

I think the love and trust in their marriage has gone and the friend would be better off getting rid of her husband. But it seems like a bit of an extreme overreaction over a few messages. If he'd had a proper affair she'd have all the justification she needed to kick him to the curb.

Yes the OP could and should have shut this down properly. But the responsibility is always, always on the married person to respect their marriage vows. I say that as a married person.