is this unforgivable in a friendship?

When you make friends with a mum friend, you're supposed to have their back, and them yours, because what your shared experience is can be isolating and overwhelming. Marriages hitting a hard time is part of that time, usually not because the women you chose to be part of your village couldn't maintain proper boundaries.

So yes, unforgivable for a friend to do.

For future reference, don't swap numbers with friends partners. Messages that need passing on go through your friends.

OP won’t be back.

I hope after reading all the comments she realises that not only was the poor women’s husband in the wrong, she was in the wrong too!

It’s not that complex. As soon as he started to texting you suggestively you should have blocked him and had stern words with him on how inappropriate his behaviour was/is.

Hopefully a lesson learnt…. Don’t f up the next set of mum friends by developing an attraction to one of their husbands.

You weren't a good friend to her, things went for too far.

As a single woman I get hit on by chancers and I close it right then, hence my female friends are still my friends. I would also not want to be friends with someone who hit on other people’s partners, so good on the friendship group for cutting out the OP.
Most people don’t split over this type of thing -at least not the first time, because it takes a lot to dismantle a whole life and children’s security.

You sound very lonely and confused over this, and rather vulnerable. I hope you're ok.

I'm afraid it is unforgivable in a friendship, as you allowed yourself to become emotionally involved with her husband. Of course he is to blame too, but most women would firmly reject his attentions and block him on social media/phone, ensure they were never alone with him. Then inform his wife if he persisted.

Sounds like you're infatuated with him, but the line has been crossed and it's unlikely the wife or other women in that social group will trust you again.
Perhaps she saw the messages and he lied and claimed you were pursuing him, or he confessed and repented and she forgave him because he's her partner and loves him.

It's the one thing most women won't forgive and forget, as it's seen as deceitful and antifeminist, no matter how lonely or in love you were.

I would find new friends and forget these.

Not here to bash you but you and him have totally overstepped the mark and my heart goes out to his wife for a double betrayal which will stick with her forever. Get out of your pity party and never do this again.

I think saying they will break up in a few years when she learns she can’t get past it is a bit of a reach. Sure it was messages and flirting, but there was nothing physical, many have got over much worse and led a perfectly happy relationship for ever more.

she also does know the extent of it, which to be fair wasn’t that much in reality just lots of teenage angsty messages.

id bin my husband off for having sex with someone, or cam girls or something, but to be honest I’d prob get over this. I’d bin the friend immediately though. And get her kicked out the social group. I’d not want her round me.

and if I was one of the wife’s friends I’d bin the op off, not want her round me, and let the wife decide what to do about her daft husband.

There was a cartoon that was in one of the women's magazines a long time ago. It was a man and a woman having a conversation, he said "My wife doesn't understand me", she replied "But I do". Implying that the woman knew full well he was trying it on and the 'doesn't understand me' was a line being used to see if she was up for fooling around while he was still married.

The trouble is you fell for it. Most women see these men coming a mile off and steer well clear.

You were never going to come out on top OP however sleazy this man was / is.

Why are so many (and OP) so convinced that he must have lied to his wife and blamed everything on her and 'got away with it'?

They are married! they might have children, a home together, a life. Of course her first step is going to be to get rid of the OW, it takes seconds and is the easiest first step.

I highly doubt OP is going to be kept in the loop about what this poor woman is going to do in regards to the part her husband played in all this and neither should she!

What was she realistically expecting from the thread - that we’d all give her a virtual hug and maybe club together for a bouquet? It surely isn’t news to her that women don’t like women who go after their friends’ husbands, or even don’t shut down husbands who do all the running. If OP was looking for sympathy and an outpouring of sisterly support, she’s even more naïve than her post suggests.

You're talking about the man “remaining part of the group” as if everyone has rallied around him and told him he’s done nothing wrong; that it’s all down to the OP. I highly doubt that. But the others in the group aren’t choosing between him and the OP - they’re choosing between the OP and their other friend, the wronged wife. As @Growlybear83 pointed out, she’s the one innocent party here. Her friends might think she’s mad to give her husband another chance, but if that’s the decision she’s made, they can’t ostracise him if they want to stay friends with and support her. Whether it’s “fair” or not doesn’t really come into it; in practical terms, OP’s former friendship group is stuck with her the husband, like it or not. Her, they can drop.

You were having an emotional affair with him.

It’s not “fair” that he’s not being judged as much as you but you could have blocked him and make it easier not to reply to his drunken ramblings and not do things like confess feelings.

You are in the wrong and deserve the judgement.

Not certain what you're hoping to get from this, really. In answer to the question in the subject line, yes, it is unforgivable in a friendship.

He's to blame, too, of course, but you can't control how people will react. You can't even predict it. You're assuming she can't know the full truth because she hasn't left him (yet). It's almost guaranteed that he's minimised his bad behaviour to his wife and tried to put the blame on you, but even if she'd witnessed the whole thing from start to finish, many wives stay with emotional or physical cheaters or give them a second chance in a bid to keep the family together.

She may be telling your mutual friends what she knows or believes, and it may not be 100% accurate. There's not much you can do about that. You can either get on with your life (make new friends) or fess up to your mutual friends, present your side of the story, and hope some of them are sympathetic. I wouldn't count on many of them choosing you over her, though. Now you know: Don't get emotionally involved with husbands of friends, or husbands in general!

This, sorry. Most women would have shut this down at the first sniff, not encouraged it in any diluted way. I'm no supermodel but the number of sleazy blokes I've cut off without a second thought over my single years. You should have done the same. Instead you were enjoying the attention. What kind of attention comes from a married, probably drunk bloke? Nothing worth very much. Now you've lost good friends because you can't be trusted.

Obviously he can't either, but why do you think you deserve the benefit of the doubt here?

People often choose their friends carefully and you've made a bad decision in entertaining a married man. Who'd have thought that may reflect badly?

She has probably decided that the texts haven't reached the line needed to pack it all in for a marriage, but they certainly have reached the line for a friendship hence you're out and he's not.

And yes, others will decide to give you the boot after messing about with a married bloke in the circle.

Did you honestly not realise this? Friendships are based on trust and values just as much as marriages are. See this as a big learning curve rather than thinking 'it's not fair'. You knew you were out of line ages ago and carried on.

Possibly, it is indeed a classic cheaters trick!
If the op is being honest, this would apparently leave only messages simply telling him to go to bed… but I’m sceptical of that.
Even if he left only the messages from the op saying she had feelings (if she was thick enough to put that in messages!) then the wife will know, even if she doesn’t want to believe it, that he’s bullshitting saying it was entirely one sided.
Personally I’d not start messaging the wife, attempting to cover my arse. If she’s opted to believe flimsy lies from the bellend of a husband, she’ll opt to disregard the op and anything she says.

To answer the original question though I doubt OP will be back, yes it is unforgivable in a friendship. You are a pretty terrible friend and your mutual friends will appreciate the heads up. Their relationship and how she deals with his betrayal are none of your business though it's funny thats what you're concerned about.

He hasn't come out smelling of roses. She has decided to try and move past it for the sake of the baby and the relationship will never be the same. They will probably break up in 5-10 years time when she realises she could never get past it.

She doesn't have a baby with you so why would she taken pity on a woman that got too close to her husband, caused untold damage by not walking away as soon as you realised the feelings were there on either side and actually fed into your joint fantasy of being together.

It's not romantic. It's stupid. And id be surprised if you have any mutual friends left after this. Hard lesson to learn.

Sure, but she’s no idea. Absolutely none. She’s just thinking he must have lied for her to stay with him. And we all know that’s far from the truth.

He could have deleted his incriminating messages and made OP out to be the instigator.

His wife is totally right to end the friendship, but she should also see what a scumbag her husband is.

Hi Op

I recognise your position.

You are not innocent, even if you are being passive and not ‘driving’. The chemistry was there, you have strong feelings for him and don’t fully shut down his advances/exit yourself from the situation.

I highly doubt he’s ‘smelling of roses’ either, You were both out of order, and you have feelings for him even if you’re being passive.

If she knows, his wife is possibly (maybe misguidedly, considering her partner’s behaviour) trying to salvage their marriage and to do that needs to cut you out - she has absolutely no obligation to treat you with any kind of kindness (?!), especially since you betrayed her trust as a friend.
They are not your business anymore.

And not one of OP's posts shows she's playing innocent, she knows she fucked up. She says she totally gets why she's defriended but thinks the man has lied to his wife and is angry that he has got away with it whilst she's been ostracised.

The only person who isn't to blame here is your friend. She must feel totally betrayed and humiliated that her husband has cheated emotionally with you, and that you clearly didn't put a stop to it right at the beginning. I'm not surprised that she has blocked you, and other members of your friendship group are distancing themselves from someone who has shown themselves as someone who can't be trusted to have an appropriate relationship with another woman's husband/partner.

Realistically she’s seen the messages anyway, surely? It’s highly unlikely Sleazeball McGee sat her down and told her he had feelings for her mate off his own back isn’t it.

You misunderstand. The OP said:

he sends me very full on messages... I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife?

I was disagreeing.

Not one single post is saying the man isn’t to blame but it’s her playing the innocent victim that most PP’s are finding disingenuous.

He's an absolute sleaze bag - pretty much every post says so but the OP seems to think she’s the wronged one rather than having any empathy for his wife

Well, you're a shit friend so she's right to block you. What she chooses to do about her marriage is none of your business really. Yes, he is a shit husband too, but realistically, it's going to be a whole lot easier for her to walk away from a shit friend than it is to walk away from the father of her children who she is probably financially and legally tied to. What she does about her marriage is her choice.

Be a better friend in future, otherwise you're going to end up very lonely.