is this unforgivable in a friendship?

The other key difference I suspect is given the chance th3 op would have had him leave the wife and be with her, given the chance he’d stay with his wife.

The thing is OP you got close enough to a friends husband where you told each other you had feelings. If you were any friend to her you wouldn't have let it get that far and you would have shut anything from him down immediately.

You participated and your other friends have seen that as well which means other people won't trust you. If I were in your group I wouldn't trust you either, even though I fully trust my partner.

I'd also be backing away from you because I wouldn't agree with what you've done and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could do that to a friend.

I've not mentioned him and he is far worse because he's married to her but that's not the point because everyone knows how awful he is and that's not the point of this post.

You asked if YABU and yes you are. You should have shut it down a whole lot sooner and you should never have told a friends husband you had feelings for him.

No, I'm sorry, Hydenseek78, I really went off at a tangent there.

I'm glad you have a close friendship group, worth its weight in gold.

Looking back at your post, sorry you have had shitty friends but not everyone has had that experience, my group of female friends I've had for 20 years, we've been through, SA, end of marriages, deaths of husband, young and adult children, illnesses, addictions and we're closer than family, I wouldn't trade them for the world but I would trust them with husband and vise versa.
It was a question, maybe I could have phrased it differently, pitchfork...we're not in the 1800s in the deep south! Genuinely curious if she's done this before, she moved house and job very easily but didn't block him or at the least ignore his messages she didnt talk to her friend (or any of her friend group about it for advice)
Kicking her further? She brought it upon herself. You don't get close to a friends husband or any womans husband to the point you have feelings for them and then confess it to them unless you're a shitty person.
Op should speak to her friend she owes her that at the very least. She doesn't even know what her friend has told their friend group if anything and she has the nerve to ask if her friend was wrong! Like I said she's not a friend anyone would want.

It is shit, isn't it?

I think that women like my friend at the time, lashed out because he 'chose' to be a sleaze with me when he already had her so what was so 'special' about me? Zero thought behind it other than territory-marking from her side.

I wasn't sorry, I lost nothing, but it did make me shift to feeling pity from some women who think their prize has picked them and they are special. No, he keeps trying to 'pick' and will always do that. Most women would not want these horrible specimens anywhere near them so the wives can keep them and kid themselves that he's faithful because he loves them rather than face the fact that he's a creep and it's his unattractiveness that keeps it in his pants and he would if he ever could. Ugh.

Sorry. Having a rant there. I haven't thought about that for many years. Sorry it happened to you as well, phishy.

I'm not a girl's girl nor a man's girl, I'm a grown woman. I'm a loyal friend but extremely choosy about whom I spend time with. I don't have groups of women friends and nor would I want them.

You're making out that it's a question that you asked but it didn't look like one, very much a goady accusation and all that was missing was a pitchfork. I'd understand if OP was here bragging or not acknowledging her part but she is. Why the need to kick her further?

Completely agree that OP should have told her friend and shut it right down immediately. Perhaps her friend would have been relieved to know about it - or maybe not and behaved like the friend I mentioned in my post. Either way, OP is best shut of the pair of them and will hopefully move on and not let this happen again.

The time to shut him down was when you started to ‘get close’ and certainly when he declared feelings for you rather than telling him you had feelings too.

You know 💯 you shouldn’t have entertained this and that you’re both on
the wrong. But she’s always going yo choose her husband over a so called friend she's known 5 minutes.

Maybe it’s not fair but if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes

Why on earth didn't you block his number? His wife has obviously found out.

Girls girl... urgh? What loyalty to your girl friend isn't a thing for you?
What vile accusations? I asked a question if she'd slept with her friends husbands before. And she is going to be talked about at the school gates, no one is going to trust her any more. They've already started distancing themselves from her.
Definitely not projecting my own experiences, I've been happily married for decades, I trust my husband 100% with my single friends as does he with me.
She shouldn't get any sympathy, telling your friends husband you have feelings for him a shitty thing to do and crosses so many lines and yes he's just as bad as her.
What she should have done is shut that shit down straight away. Told her friend about the messages he'd sent to her, blocked him and dealt with the fall out like a decent human but she encouraged him and then semi tried to distance herself. That's not a friend anyone would want.

I'm sorry it's happened to you too. Sounds like your friend is insecure in her marriage because she knows what he's like but it was easier to blame you.

I 'must have lead him on'.

Yes, this subtext is sometimes there and even if it's not you feel a bit paranoid that it is.

100% she knows something. What you have are BOTH doing is unforgivable.

Why haven't you blocked him unless you still want the drama of the drunken late night texts

I've experienced this too - and been frozen out by the 'friend' as she didn't like what she saw. What she saw was her husband being inappropriate and me telling him to fuck off.

What she inferred from that is that I 'must have lead him on'. Who wants these grubby men in the first place? Ugh.

If she hadn't have dropped me then I would have quietly dropped her because who needs a friend like that? Sisterhood doesn't exist and I have no patience with women who endorse their partner's shit behaviour either.

Girls girl? Ugh.

You make some really vile accusations to the OP with no basis. If you're projecting your own experiences then stop it.

OP isn't looking for sympathy or getting it, she was wrong to do what she did. Who is disputing that? Nobody, not even her.

You could have blocked him immediately. You didn't.
You could have immediately shut it down. You didn't.

You don't know he's come out smelling of roses - you just know that you're blocked.

Own your part in this shitshow. You brought it on yourself.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong per se, people sometimes have feelings for others and as you say you didn’t act on them so you’ve done the right thing. I’d block him and try to distance yourself from any feelings you have for him. As for his wife, there’s little you can do except try to get on with your life.

@Sweetenuf2 yes that's a good point, no point in keeping in touch as the awkwardness will still be there, unless I can limit it to seeing just my friend and her kids. It would not be surprised me if has had an affair/s in the intervening time.

@phishy that sucks but if they’re still with the men I’d strongly advise you not to bother getting back in contact with them for your own safety and peace of mind. No good will come from you being around their husbands.

Maybe if they eventually get rid of the men you could pick up your friendship again.

It is a shame, but that’s the reality. We can’t choose our friends partners, so we can only remove ourselves from these uncomfortable situations.

To add, comments like 'go to bed' but nothing further are totally compliant with flirting and carrying on this interaction. They were knowing whilst ostensibly being sensible. What you were actually saying was 'i acknowledge whats going on is crossing a line. It's flirtatious yet I'm not blocking you, reading you the riot act, threatening to or actually forwarding the messages to your wife, or simply ignoring if I didn't know what else to do. Instead I am saying something quite knowingly in control. It would have definitely looked encouraging and flirtatious. DW has read between the lines of what you wrote and you deserved cutting off. What suggested it was for actually end there from your end?

@Sweetenuf2 no, the friendships sort of drifted as I felt so awkward. I do want to get back in touch though as there is so much history.

Sorry to hear it's affected your friendships too.

That’s disgusting. Are you friends still with the men?

I think I would end a friendship if that happened because I’d feel it would inevitably backfire on me at some point. I’d get blamed for it even if it was just simmering resentment aimed at me. And aside from that, I’d feel uncomfortable and on edge when I was around their husbands at social events .

And tbh I wouldn’t think much of my friend either for letting her husband effectively sexually harass / be sleazy with me Unless she intervened and called it out.

Luckily all my friends husbands are lovely and respectful and that just doesn’t happen in my social circle. The few that had bad eggs that may have tried it at some point are now divorced anyway.

I did have a couple of guy mates who had girlfriends try it on with me when I was much younger and I just cut them off.

I do agree that sometimes men wreak havoc in female friendships though.

When I was early 20s, I had one friend sleep with another friends boyfriend. The two of them weren’t friends but they knew each other through me so I felt terrible. I cut the friend off and lost another friend who took her side. Both were 10 year friendships.

The boyfriend even reached out to apologise for all the drama he caused me 🙄 but you know what - he done me a favour in that I was able to see what my friend was like and cut her out early on rather than in later life. My friend showed poor judgment with her boyfriend too since it wasn’t the first time he cheated.

I’m so glad I don’t have women like that in my circle anymore - who tolerate sleazy men and/or sleep with men who aren’t single.

As someone who has been betrayed, the emotional betrayal is far harder to get past than the physical.

Friends husbands and partners are a no go area, you don't just suddenly get that deep out of nothing, you encouraged him and that was wrong. He sounds like a chancing bastard. Live and learn...and keep away from your friends partners!

As a single woman I get hit on by chancers and I close it right then, hence my female friends are still my friends.

I've had this by my friend's husbands, sometimes in front of my friend. Even though I was creeped out by them and didn't find them remotely attractive, it created some tension and bad feeling.

I fucking hate that men can affect women's friendships like this. What gives them the right?!

"Nothing happened..."

"We both admitted we had feelings for each other"

Those two phrases are massively at odds with each other don't you think?

It sounds like she knows exactly what went on, and you're far easier to ditch than the man who she has kids with, who she's married to, who she has a house, finances entangled with.

Usually it's the spouse who should take full blame here, but you were her friend. You've both betrayed her massively, the only difference is that there are fewer consequences to her dumping you, than there are in her dumping him.

And I'm not surprised she's telling all your mutual friends, she probably wants to give them fair warning that you're an absolutely horrible friend.

You're that single mum! The one everyone talks about at the school gate, the one who actively gets close to "friends" husbands, how in hell did you think it would end? You're not a girls girls, you not doing anything is doing something, you didn't tell your "friend" you didn't block him, you kept the line open just incase they split and you could swoop in and have him. As the friend you bet I'm going to blast you as the homewrecker you are and yes I'd be leaving his ass too. You're going to be a social pariah in that group, no one is going to trust you let alone with their husbands. You dug yourself this whole. You don't know the meaning of friendship! Are you a single mum because you've slept with other "friends" partners ?