is this unforgivable in a friendship?

YABU. The very first time he tried it on you should have sent a short message saying ‘you’re married, please don’t contact me again’. And then blocked him.

Shame on you.

This is probably just a journo who can use these replies for content

You are a terrible friend, why on earth wouldn't she warn her friends about you?

If one of my friends partners ever messaged me anything like this she would know the minute I opened the message.

255 replies and not a single response from OP. Not one. Can't you see you're all being played here?

Ok, so let's be totally clear. If someone is trying to fuck my DH then they are not going to be welcome popping back over for a coffee. The fact that mine isn't a dickhead means he isn't running round after others. It still really isn't ok for someone who calls themselves a mate to chance their arm and call it fair game when he rebuffs, or his fault if he flirted back. That isn't friendly.

Well it’s definitely totally unacceptable to me and all my friends @Nel482 .I have married male friends, as well as some friends husbands that I am friendly (not friends) with and I’d honestly be so shocked and upset if any of them behaved like this to me or anyone else. Both men and women, single or married/attached, need to have some morals. OP has behaved badly and so has the man involved.

I rooted out any men like that from my social circle back in my 20s. They are so dangerous and reckless. Men who not only cheat but cheat with friends, are not people I want in my circle. They will cause havoc!

Because the thing is once a man hits on his wife’s friend, even if said friend clearly rejects him and does everything right she’s still going to either get blamed or forever be uncomfortable around the couple.

I only know one situation where the friendship has withstood that situation, a close friend of mine was sleeping and her best friends fiancé /father of child crept in the guest room and tried to basically assault her while she was half asleep.

She woke up fully, told him to piss off, went and told her best friend , best friend slapped her fiancé, kicked his ass out and never got back with him although they co-parented. She’s now happily married to someone else and she’s still best friends with my friend.

So, there's a lot of messages here saying OP is a terrible person for not totally shutting the husband down but what concerns me is the general acceptance than "men will do these things". Wouldn't it be nice if society was less tolerant of men in monogamous relationships coming on to other women, rather than the pressure being on the women to resist/shut down the advances?

I meant dispensable obvs....

This is a good perspective. Put bluntly, you're more indispensable to her than he is. She's trying to secure her marriage and friendships and it's easier to scapegoat you and cut you out of her life as much as possible than to tackle her marriage. He could quite easily have exaggerated your role in the wee dalliance or confessed to her that he has feelings for you and the price for staying with her was to never see you again, and they just decided you're the problem rather than him.

It might not be 'fair' but if she wants her marriage to survive, it is easier to get rid of you from their lives than indulge any further drama. And hopefully you've learned - if anything like this happens again, shut it down and block the husband/partner from your phone or otherwise distance yourself completely.

Just wow. You were never her friend, she though you were but no fiend does what you are doing. You keep saying nothing happened are you really that dishonest, you told each other you had ‘feelings’ how pathetic, your not hormone ravaged teenagers, something did happen. You ‘got close’ emotionally. Thats cheating, i bet your text were not innocent chat, you should think your self lucky all shes done is block you, i hope she has told everyone and none of your friends want you around anymore, grow up and take responsibility for what you have done, you want to hurt another woman more to make yourself feel better , seriously !

Gross behaviour. You deserve everything you get. You never really shut it down did you?

Horrible, the pair of you!

single mum is NOT a tricky card to play.

sheer fact you think so mde the rest not surprising. s a individual person,regrdless of circumstnces at any given moment-you decide your own moral code.
crossing a line within even vague friendship groups and engaging in,entertaining somebody elses partner is crossing a line. thats not news.
block him.should from get go.do it now.
flttery.ttention,attraction is clerly something you need\wnt in life and thats ok. realisticlly-cheaters cheat-whatchu wnt one of them for?there re literaally millions of men out there. step over it.
"if she knew the truth...i dont think she'd stay"
so from what you said re-blockt\scarlet woman shes defo got some sorta clue.
and your what?bitter?angry?surprised? dont be dangerzone.
hes played his hand.burn all cards n dont go down that road again.

Op is a shit friend, that’s why she’s being judged

Why are we all blaming this woman??? (Op) Firstly she isn't the married one, and yes whilst she admitted she had feelings for him, she stepped away, she stopped replying to messages and kept away from him all to do the right thing.

I don’t think anyone is blaming her for his behaviour, or letting him off the hook. He’s undoubtedly a sleaze. But OP IS in control of her OWN actions. She could have discouraged him from day one, blocked his number and mentally filed him under C for “Cheating Arsehole”. But she didn’t. She enjoyed the power of keeping him dangling.

We all could and should judge the man’s behaviour more harshly. But he isn’t here asking for advice. OP was (at least for one post). So people have commented based on what she should do.

I think you are romanticising the situation because even if you got together with him, he will cheat on you as well. Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

In your head it's different with you but it really isn't - he's just a sleaze.

You played with fire and got burnt. Hope you learn from this because all this boo hoo poor me really doesn't wash.

Yes, it’s unforgivable. But you knew that.
As for him getting off Scott free, I doubt it’s smooth sailing for him at home right now, but maybe they’re trying to work through this. In order to do this both of them will need to distance themselves from you/block you.
I can’t believe you have the audacity to complain about that!
And yes, she’s probably told mutual friends to watch their husbands around you! I think that’s reasonable in the circumstances.

She obviously read his messages.

She's obviously read his messages@

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

@pam72, this is entirely presumptive though isn't it? You actually don't know what went down between them, what was said, what was disclosed, if she discovered all the communication or if they're in marriage counselling or any number of different scenarios.

I think all you need to know is that she knows, and quite rightly, wants to sever contact with you. She may be trying to salvage her marriage (goodness knows why) or she may be getting her ducks in a row to start divorce proceedings.

I think you've been completely out of order by not shutting this down right away but I think this has been covered multiple times in the thread already. I find your reaction interesting insofar as you don't really demonstrate any remorse or express meaningful feelings of liability and that you were merely an innocent recipient to his advances. You know this isn't the case but seem reluctant to really go there in your post.

Maybe this is something to examine for your own sake going forward. Try and dig a little deeper on what you are really feeling about the situation. Are the feelings of anger really disappointment that this is definitely not going to go anywhere? Anger that his wife gets to keep all her friendships as well as the man you have/had feelings for?

And in answer to your question, you are being extremely unreasonable given that the whole issue is conjecture on what has happened between this woman and her husband (who sounds like an absolute prick).

“Thought I was stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood”

well you aren’t and I would be blocking you too. I’m sorry but there is loads more you could have done but you obviously didn’t because of the attention.. do you really not see it?

How do you know he's come out smelling of roses? Shes committed to her marriage, she isn't committed to a friendship, as its easier to cut you out than him.

Why are we all blaming this woman??? (Op) Firstly she isn't the married one, and yes whilst she admitted she had feelings for him, she stepped away, she stopped replying to messages and kept away from him all to do the right thing. Sometimes we get in to situations and she did the right thing when it came to it. She didn't go any further than having feelings. She could of had a full affair with him, but she hasnt, and she isn't the married one here, he is!

Anyways... Do you know that she definitely knows, or are you just assuming she knows? Is there anyone in the friends group you could speak to, to see if she's said anything... obviously don't mention what's happened but see if any rumours are going around.

If he has told her then what would he gain from that? The only thing I could think of is, she's seen his messages and she's taking it out on you for her husband messaging and maybe she's mad you've not told her or that he's said those things to you in the first place. Who even knows how far back his messages go. It's very odd that if she does know she's not pulled you about it. I woukd of contacted you straight away if I was her to find out everything.

If she does know and he's aware, you'll no doubt receive no more messages, but might be best to bloack him anyways from now on. It will be good from your end as you can just move on, it will have been hard to land you in it and blame you, if you've not responded in any kind of way to his messages and it's all one sided. But she could just be mad he likes you. It's all just speculation at this point.

I would just play it by ear. The worst that happens is she does know, she's blaming you and you can then just tell your side of the story, if theyve all blocked you anyways then youve nothing to lose. she can then do with that information then as she wishes...

If I was her, I would want the full story and would be asking you what happened, she may do that Still. If he's unhappy it'll only be a matter of time before he does something else with someone else, unless they sort their relationship, the only thing that will change is the person he has an affair with and when. That's if he hasn't already with someone else. She's blaming the wrong person. He's the married one and yes you were friends, but once you realised you had feelings you stepped away from it and did the right thing. That shows you're a good person and didn't want to cause harm to her. Some women would have just done it regardless.

Don't give your self a hard time. Reach out to the other ladies if you still want a friendship with those. There's 3 sides to a story and she hasn't even got a half a side x