Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

If Mumsnet is to be believed on weddings, no one should ever marry anyone from outside their home town — all weddings should then just be in the couple’s hometown (because they must both be from the same place) and cost £0 to attend.

Don’t go if you don’t want to but be prepared to deal with the fallout. If my brother chose not to attend my wedding (or if I chose not to attend his), there would certainly be fallout with both the sibling and our parents.

This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go.

Are they going to pay for you to go? If not then they don't get a say.

You are close family of the groom - so talk to them.

Tell them “we really want to come, but we are concerned about the cost/DS being a handful/not speaking the language. How can we work this out?”

If they want you to come - it’s the groom’s brother, sister in law and nephew, so they almost certainly do want you to - then they will likely try to work something out.

Anyone who has an abroad wedding should be completely ok with people who invited not being able to make it due to many factors including work/finances/children etc.

Your brother in law and family are being unreasonable being mad at you for potentially not being able to make it. Just your husband going is a middle ground compromise and they’re still not happy at that.

Fine for just DH to go. DS will probably be a pain in the arse anyway. They might all feel quite differently when confronted with the reality of a tired and out of routine toddler. And it'll no doubt be you not DH that's expected to take on most of the behaviour management. No, I'd wish DH a happy trip and save the money.

Difficult to get food? Plan ahead and take some supplies of things you know he will eat.

Of course you should go. It’s not a destination wedding and there are two of you with one child, and other family around to help if you really can’t manage.
Folk on here have such a miserable, curmudgeonly attitude to life… why should the ILs pay when the OP says they can afford it? The two year old will probably have a whale of a time.

As someone mentioned any one who insists people should go should pay for it

Plus for a few hours away I would not just go anywhere for a couple of nights so then annual leave would come into it

But then I only wanted people who could come to our wedding who could easily make it I would have been appalled if I thought it was an expectation or people had to spend heaps just for a wedding no matter how people label it

I wouldn't go with a DS that age. We went to a wedding in Scotland when he was 18 months and that was bad enough! Never again.

He was bored, moany, it was difficult to get food when he needed to eat and it cost quite a lot for a pretty challenging weekend. I agree your DH should go on his own.

You've got yourselves a Groomzilla!
Whether it's a destination wedding or not doesn't matter, it costs the same whatever it's called.
Your dbil is a cheeky git and has no right to insist that anybody attends, or that they also have to give a big cash gift.
I think dbil needs to understand right now that you and ds will not be attending. Work out whether you can afford for your DH to attend. It really shouldn't be causing you financial hardship or worry, so be sure that you can afford it. If you definitely can afford for DH to go (and assuming he wants to), let dbil know that you will not be also giving him a hefty cash gift. It might be traditional in the bride's home country but then they aren't also paying four figure sums to get there.

Make the effort if you really want to be there, but don’t go if you’ll get nothing out of it. We’ve been in your position 3 times with weddings of siblings. Twice we went and I regretted one of the trips because of the expense and it wasn’t fun. The other time though toddlers we well catered for and we had a great time. The third time, my own DBs wedding, we didn’t go and I don’t regret it. Years later no one even remembers that we missed it!

I agree it's not a destination wedding if that's where the bride is from and her family still live there. I don't think it's unreasonable at all for them to get married there and it's probably easier to do the wedding there than in the UK.

However, it is still a huge financial commitment so it's fine to question how to do this.
If his parents are so insistent on you all being there, then are they offering to help with the costs?
What I don't understand is why he's asking his family rather than deciding what to do and telling them?

It would be nice for you all to go but equally absolutely ok for just your husband to go but he definitely should.

For your husband's sibling I don't really think it's optional - you have to go. (Barring some horrible dripfeed about your BIL obviously.)

Echoing PPs - if this is the bride's home country then it's not a destination wedding. My SIL had a destination wedding half way around the world when my dd was 7 months - we didn't go. If your DH has a close relationship with his brother then he should go, but potentially not you and DS depending upon how you feel you can manage the logistics.

I'm in the camp that if you have a destination wedding, expect people not to be able to attend. The solution is that DH goes alone or you attend the UK celebrations only

Would his DPs be in a position to help pay for it if DH asked?

They are the ones who want your DC there and it is a big and unexpected expense.

I don't normally suggest asking for parental handouts, but in this circumstance if they can afford it, it makes sense.

Why on earth is it bonkers? Your post is so overdramatic.

I wouldn't go in your position but as others have said, your DH should make the effort for his brother.

It’s your DH’s brother’s wedding! I would make an effort to go. Theres every chance toddler will have a great time.

They wouldn't be receiving a large monetary gift if i attended at such an expense.

As it's the brides home I don't count it as a destination wedding. Personally I would go if i could but speak to the groom and get advice on best way to attend with dc, if there will be other dc there, entertainment laid on etc. and explain that you really can't afford a huge gift as well as the flights and hotel. If they want you there they won't expect you to give a large gift, young children don't count when it comes to head count gifts anyway. I've been to several abroad weddings where the bride or groom were from there and none expected overseas guests to bring gifts

A million percent NO! Not a chance. For all the reasons you stated in your 1st post. Sod the fallout - they're being ridiculously unreasonable!! I'd have no problem saying a hard NO to this without a single second of guilt or 2nd thoughts - it's just bonkers!!

If you can afford it and want to all go - go. If only your husband goes - as that makes more financial and practical sense - so be it.

If you can’t afford it for any permutations - but family are ‘insistent’ that your family all go - then you insist that they pay.

Set firm fair boundaries about what you can afford.

Ask whether they want you to send your bank details to purchase the tickets or if they are booking the tickets directly.

Don’t get into a debate. You are adult as they may put pressure on you but they can’t force you to go.

Re. Gift - you give what you want / can afford Regardless of convention and tradition.

You give according to your heart and your budget .

If you go, forgo the large wedding gift. You don’t have to gift them lots of money. Especially when you’re paying a load to go to it.

DH asked about going on his own but his family were upset at the idea that DS wouldn't be there.

Well, there's a reason they want him to be there. He's family. Half of their culture.

I have a biracial child and went with him to our family abroad (he was 14) so he could embrace that side of him. I think it did him the power of good. He's an adult now.
We still have contact.

Money was tight but I made it happen. Working overtime, savings, etc.