Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

Really cheeky to ask for 'several hundreds' of £ as a gift. I wouldn't gift them any money!! Also just tell your DH to go and you and your toddler stay home.

Urgh these situations make my blood boil.

Someone else has been selfish (rightly so it’s their wedding and their choice blah blah blah) but ultimately they’ve not considered you at all and have made it the most inconvenient and expensive it could possibly be… but now you’re the bad guys if you don’t crawl over hot coals naked to be there.

Ive really learnt to put my big girl pants on in these situations but it’s taken me several years and 2 toddlers. What I will say is I always thought asserting myself and being firm wasn’t possible because ‘that’s not how our family are and you don’t understand it’ll cause massive issues’ but low and behold when I actually did it, aside from the initial push back, it was totally fine. Soon as they realised I wouldn’t budge it was just like ‘well ok then’

Heres some stock responses

‘it doesn’t work for us as a young family’
‘if it was that important for us to be there it shouldn’t have been booked in such a prohibitively long and expensive trip away’

’i feel like you’re not considering our small child’s wellbeing in all of this they are not an accessory to this wedding’
‘if you want us to be there so badly you’re welcome to pay but we cannot and will not be paying several thousand to be there’
‘we were not consulted in the planning and therefore are not wrong or bad to say we simply can’t meet these extensive travel demands’
‘DBIL isn’t expecting his wife’s family to make the journey here why would they expect us to make the journey there?’

and finally - if it comes to it but I’m sure it won’t.

‘If you cannot accept our decision gracefully I’m afraid it’s going to impact our relationship long term. I’m very disappointed in your lack of concern for your very small grandchild/niece/nephew in all of this and the lack of empathy towards them and us as a young family is beginning to bitter our feelings towards this family’

My BIL married an Australian woman and the wedding was out there. Very few of his family went. They had a second reception in this country (she wore her wedding dress), which was fabulous.
It's too much to expect people to pay thousands for one's wedding. Your BIL should be more understanding. It's certainly not an obligation you go - maybe just your husband in this case?

When you book an overseas wedding (we did as well due to connection to the country) then you have to accept that some people won't be able to attend, and those people might be close family members. The same thing happened to us.

I wouldn't take a toddler, no, and pay several thousand to attend a wedding in the middle of nowhere. DH should fly in and fly out for the ceremony itself and the reception and stay for two nights in a low cost option, and you should spend the money on a family holiday. Unless this place is amazing, and could be the family holiday I could not justify the cost.

The entitlement of some people to suggest you must go or there will be fall out etc is for the birds and doesn't wash. The happy couple can host a party on their return and celebrate with everyone else if they wish.

'Personally' exactly this you don't know why OPs circumstances are could be very different to yours. Sound like you're trying to shame her here!

I don’t think any of “need” to go especially with it being overseas and your DS is so young.

Neither of my DHs brothers came to our wedding (it was on a Wednesday) and there was no drama about it. We went to one of his brothers weddings and honestly no one would have noticed if we hadn’t been there as it was all about their friends really. I don’t get all the fuss about people “having” to attend all these things but am prepared to accept that may be an unusual view.

If PIL are so insistent that you have to be there maybe they should offer to pay?

If PILs are that keen for you all to go, tell them money is tight. They can:

Pay for your family to travel their
Pay for your wedding cash
Help look after 2yo

If not, they can zip it!

I travelled to weddings overseas when I was single and that was expensive and tiring enough (for good friends, not family). In your circumstances it is totally reasonable for DH to attend, and your contribution to this is to ensure that he can. So you are running your UK home, work and life whilst he is away. The trip doesn't sound at all appropriate for a small toddler, no matter how loved and adored by the family. Of course if you are not attending and the DC isn't either there are more funds available for the expected large cash wedding gift! Be firm!

Not do-able with a 2 year old. Stay home and send congratulations electronically. Have a little celebration yourself at home if you feel left out. Your baby will thank you..

It's a very close relative so I would make the effort to go and I would make it happy and exciting.

I would tell your PILs that you can only afford for one of you to go and they can choose between your DH and the toddler (who they would then have to babysit for the whole time).

I absolutely would not go.

I’d see about sending dh by himself though.

We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each.

Who told you this?

I wouldn't consider observing this. I suspect plenty of people don't.

If I went, I wouldn't be making a large cash gift.

That is part of your tradition that they can accept. Especially considering the expense of travelling there.

If you think it could be a good trip, they're generally supportive of each other, then I'd try and go.

In a similar situation we went.

It kept the family peace but honestly it was a very difficult experience.

All our English family really helped keep the toddlers occupied (we had twins) which we were incredibly grateful for.

Most of the English side had a bad experience. It was expensive, the locals were not welcoming, just... not great.

General relations between that side and the English side really lapsed quite a lot afterwards as there was definite perception that a lot of pressure was put on to attend an event that was just not good.

What is your relationship like with the people going who are English speakers? Does your toddler enjoy their company? If they have a strong bond with your toddler, go along - they will most likely want to spend time playing with him, and you may find older relatives are happy to babysit if the party goes on longer than they find enjoyable.

If they are hands off and you're likely to be wrangling a toddler alone, I'd probably step back.

Your inlaws can't demand people come to a wedding abroad. I echo what others say - if your PILs are so adamant that you must attend, they can help financially.

I'd send just DH, and see if the trip can be made cheaper by travelling with others eg PILs - can he go in their hire car, can they hire somewhere to stay together - a 1 bed apt where he stays on a sofabed? It'll be easier to do it cheaply if it's just DH.

I agree with others who say a wedding with a toddler is zero fun.

You definitely don't need to give a gift if you're spending hundreds or thousands to attend a wedding. Although alternatively you could give them something relatively inexpensive but thoughtful. A beautiful vintage print of the area SIL is from / home town or something?

It's your husband's brother...of course you should go. It's a once in a lifetime experience. Don't buy a gift, but do go. And it's not a destination wedding if your future SIL is from there.

I think in your situation you have to realise that there will be fallout if you don't go (expected and reasonable). I have contributed to the cost for overseas family to attend our wedding, but I would have been really upset if they didn't attend.

How entitled is BIL! I married in my husband's country and I told my family that I understand if it's not convenient for them and don't worry if you can't come.
I would not go if I were you but I would send DS (make up whatever excuse to appease them). They will forget about it. Atleast nobody can accuse you of keeping DH away from them 😄

Yes well I obviously did that @Pottedpalm but by day 3 he's eaten everything we had and we were in the middle of nowhere with a full wedding programme that made it difficult to get away to the supermarket.

No way I would spend that much on a wedding travelling that far with a 2 yo instead of a family holiday. A 2 yo will have no memories of the trip.
Husband could attend. It would cost less than half.

Your ds will get nothing out of this experience. I'd say just your dh go.

If PIL desperately want you there they can contribute to costs. Or just DH goes. Or go but say you can’t also manage the monetary gift as you’ll be spending ridiculous amounts to get there. Surely they should gladly accept this (they should even insist on it unless you were loaded!). But anyone who has an overseas wedding needs to accept many people (even immediate family) may not be able to make it. At least in this case it’s the brides former home, not a random location for the sake of it, but still, it’s expensive to get to and that’s all there is to it.

The OP's DS isn't from the culture where the wedding is. The wedding is being held where the bride (the OP's BIL's fiancée) is from.

I agree it's not a destination wedding but as @MrsTerryPratchett said, if you have your wedding in a location which is expensive and difficult for half your guests to get to (even if there is a very good reason for it, as is the case here) you have to be understanding if people can't make it and you certainly need to drop any expectation of large cash gifts on top. If people can't afford it, they can't afford it.

We were in a similar situation and knew that half our guests would need to travel abroad for our wedding. We made it as easy as possible for them and made it clear that we didn't expect presents on top. Some people still didn't come (which was fine). Others came and gave us substantial cash gifts on top.

@lilialy Your DH's family can stamp their feet all they like but ultimately they don't get to decide how you spend your money unless they are willing to put their hands in their pockets themselves.

I would send your husband on his own. The family will get over it.