Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

Quite, People keep talking about it like having a UK wedding if two people are from different places is default. It's not. The bride's home is actually default traditionally. If she is from a less wealthy country as well, travelling is more of a burden on her family than the UK family as well.

We did something similar for my cousins wedding when my daughter was the same age, she had the best time and we have such happy memories. Provided you can afford it make a holiday of it. I can’t imagine missing my siblings wedding even if it was a faff with a toddler.

It’s his brother. I would go and try to be excited about it. It’s the bride’s home - they are not dragging you out somewhere for no reason. I’d let DH decide because it’s his family.

i just think not going to a brother in law’s wedding in his future wife’s home country is a decision that is going to cause pretty big issues down the line…if you don’t care about maintaining the family relationship (and it seems like lots of people on Mumsnet don’t!), then fine, but if you do care, be mindful that people will remember and this will affect your husbands relationship with his family. And you can set all the boundaries that you want but some things are really important (like weddings in most families).

I think you just need to state it clearly now and stick to your guns. Dont over-debate or be drawn into a conversation.

"We wont be there however we cant wait to celebrate with you afterwards". End of.

I have been in a similar situation and I think the sooner it's said, the sooner it is accepted and they'll just focussed on their plans. Do not be guilt-tripped into it.

Easier said than done, I know!! But you'll feel an immense sense of relief. Just repeat, repeat if necessary until they hear it!!

Wise advice

Well yes it is, was just an example of family not attending wedding but he only had to travel to north London! We were invited (me and 2 kids) but only if we pretended to be a friend of the bride and the kids had to ignore their grandparents!! Needless to say we declined). That was when the community didn’t know our children existed. We did attend the register office wedding though. Sadly I’ve not been invited to any destination weddings as I’d quite enjoy them, but my kids are older now but I did travel with them when younger

If PIL are so determined, they should pay for you all to go!

That's somewhat different though from the cost and inconvenience of bringing a young DC abroad for a wedding.

Is it? Even less argument for taking the 2 year old now then. DH can just go by himself.

Not going to your brother’s wedding is a statement. They aren’t having a destination wedding, they are getting married in her home town. One side would have to fly and it’s much more traditional for the wedding to take place at the brides family location than the grooms.

if you can find the money, even if it will be a faff and not the holiday you would chose, for the sake of the next 20 years of Christmas dinner not being strained/your PIL not feeling they can invite you both to events etc, go.

i would also speak wirh PIL, you should be able to stretch to it, but would they be able to help with sharing costs of say renting a villa together or sharing a hire car etc.

No-one can make you go but you really should make the effort for immediate family. My ex missed the ceremony of his own brothers wedding due to his teams first home game of the season! He then went straight to the wedding. They didn’t seem to mind but I thought it was terrible

Hi OP, I totally get why you don't want to do this trip with young son. Flights/heat/timelines/long drives/waiting around etc etc and that is without the expense. I think you are being put under an enormous amount of pressure. Your husband reasonably said you would love to attend any UK celebrations.
Make your joint decision and let it be

Absolutely no way - not with a two year old. The compromise is your DH will attend the wedding on his own. Your PIL are being selfish. There will be no benefit to a 2 year old attending. Your toddler won't remember it, will have it's routine thrown out of kilter, will probably get cranky and one of you (you most probably as the groom is DH's immediate family) will have to retire to the hotel early. Guarantee it won't be PILs.

They are demanding the presence of your toddler as a photo opp. Your toddler will probably never even see their Uncle's wedding photos. It's your family, PILs don't get to demand anything.

It's not her DS's culture.

It's her DS's uncle's future wife's culture.

My BIL is married to a Turkish woman and so my children's cousin is half Turkish. I'd love to go with them for a holiday at some point but that's all it will be, a holiday. I won't consider that my kids are learning anything about a part of their own culture.

Exactly. No comparison.

The two year old won't remember the experience. While it's happening, there's a realistic chance they'll find a long journey, tiredness, being out of routine and lots of people they don't know to be unpleasant. Them going would be for the benefit of other relatives, at best, and if they do end up being a pain in the arse they'll probably have to be kept out of the way to an extent anyway. Almost certainly with the OP having to do the bulk of the grunt work, but in somewhere unfamiliar.

I don't think I'd put myself and a toddler through that level of faff even if someone else was paying. But if they do have to fund it themselves, much better to save the money and use it for DS to learn about that side of his culture when he's old enough to get something out of the visit. Really, it's fine for just DH to go.

I think a second reception is a very good idea, especially if the bride wears her wedding dress. It respects friends and family who couldn’t travel to the wedding itself, allowing them to celebrate the marriage, just as the guests at the wedding did.

He was 14! There's no benefit for the 2 year old.

I'd make every effort I could to go. But I'd want to. If you don't want to then don't go.

I had a similar invite about 20 years ago, my family consisting of two toddlers, a young teen, my DH and myself did go and I remember it costing 2k which was a lot of money then. Only one other couple went with a toddler, all the other parents with young DC declined, however I was a very close relative to the groom.

We did buy a cheaper wedding gift than we would have it had been a local wedding. I did buy some new clothes for the family but they were worn again.

It was amazing and I have no regrets.

I think DH only attending is a good suggestion or go and give a smaller amount of cash than culturally expected.

Look, there are different races and customs in the world other than the ones that you deem not 'cheeky'.

Being mixed race doesn't mean you can't be racist.

Deciding that you wouldn't go to your husband's brothers wedding and you wouldn't get them a gift is quite a negative attitude towards a wedding which a lot of people would see as a happy occasion.

Ask whether they want you to send your bank details to purchase the tickets or if they are booking the tickets directly. oh wow @Chickenribbon , would you really do this in real life? Wouldn't you be embarrassed?
I have always said that the only destination wedding i would attend would be my own dcs', but this isn't a destination wedding, it's your bil marrying a woman in her home country. I would go, by seeing where she is from and her family you will know her better and she will feel more welcomed into your family.

I'm mixed race. It's cheeky.

Of every race?

I'm mixed race. It's cheeky.

It's not anyone involved in this wedding's fault that that is customary. Different places d have different customs.

I've been to lots of Asian weddings and the custom s giving money in red envelopes which is then used to pay the restaurant bill. It's not 'cheeky', that the custom.

Not everyone is white British.

Also, they haven't even asked the op for money.