Husband secretly messaging friend

Except do this mentally and don't write any of it down

No no no. That's called marriage policing and all it does is create terrible stress. If you feel you can't trust a man it's time to leave him. They figure out a way to cheat no matter what you do anyway. My ex did it on his lunch hour at work.
Family life needs nurturing by both partners. Otherwise it does not work.

Thing is : you cant really leave someone when youve got a kid. The sπ|t continues on a different form. Parental alienation for one.

Forgive me for being cynical. Hes a bloke so dont let him out your sight. If he needs to go somewhere GO WITH HIM. Never let him go out unattended. Family life needs nurturing. All women need to do this. Do like Linda mccartney.

I speak fluent German. If you want me to translate the messages let me know. Google translate can be a bit odd sometimes.

It sounds like he has checked out of your relationship a long time ago. It doesn't take 4 YEARS to 'get on board with being a parent'... it sounds like he has no interest in being a parent and never will.

He may have no intentions of having an affair with this female friend. But the lying to you, the nature of the conversation... all adds up to him being more than willing to have an affair or even jump ship entirely should a suitably better offer come along, her or anyone really.

Sort out your shit, and leave him and live the life you and your child deserve, because pandering to this piss-ferret isn't it!

The child has lived longer in the UK as he is 4 and they moved to Germany 18 months ago.

The child was born in the UK and won’t yet be at school in Germany - does that make a difference?

So the follow up question has to be how long are you prepared to wait?

He doesn’t bother much with your child and he’s flirting with someone else. When you raise your concern he tries to turn it back on you.

You’re right to be angry.

OP, please please get legal advice before doing anything. I know someone who just 'left' a Hague Convention country with her child and she suffered bad consequences. You are far better playing a longer game and getting him to agree to it. But find a good immigration lawyer and get decent advice.

This is good advice except I wouldn't tell him you're leaving. He may try to stop you, and you need to get your child into the UK.

@Lili10

If I was giving me advice I think, which is why I asked, this is big red flag beating me on the head (I've ignored or missed the other ones) and I think I need to prepare to leave. It's not the messages, I think it's the lie and that he's demanding different things of me

So, I believe in listening to yourself. It seems to me that you're pretty dissatisfied with your marriage 'status quo' as it is. This incident is just adding fuel to an already slow burning fire.

You aren't happy that he's sent an inappropriate message to a female friend. You aren't happy that he isn't 'into' family life. You aren't happy that he's plunked you down in a country where you don't speak the language. You aren't happy that you've been isolated from your own friends and family. I'd say that's quite enough 'not happy' to be going on with.

The most important thing to remember is that a person is entitled to leave a marriage for any reason, at any time. So if you are not happy, leave. It's OK. You need no more reasons than the ones you already have.

Yes, I understand that when there is a child involved it complicates things. But the simple fact of having a child doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your happiness. He's not an interested father, staying around isn't going to change that. And eventually your child will realize that they aren't important to their father and that is damaging in and of itself. If or when the time comes that he does want to be an interested father, that can be managed. But cross that bridge when (if) you come to it.

Listen, you don't need to pack a bag and leave tomorrow. You need a careful, well thought out plan. Friends and family spread out? Think about your relationship with them, how much help they may be able to give you (a place to stay, emotional support, etc) and the job market and housing in their area. Make a practical decision based on practical things, rather than trying to focus on 'the area I like best'. If the job market & housing costs are better in a certain place, go there. The point is to get home, you can always move again later.

And if you feel he's isolated you from friends and family, reach out to them. They've probably been hoping you'll call. You may have to hear "I told you so" a few times but it will be well worth it.

Above all SAY NOTHING TO HIM. Continue on as you have been doing, raise no suspicions, drop the issue of the message. If you are leaving (totally your decision) then that message and everything about him is now irrelevant. The point is to leave, not to give him a jolt and hope he changes (he won't). Make your plans quietly, then execute them. Inform him only when you're ready to walk out the door.

It is imperative that you get a solicitor as soon as you leave, if not before. I'm assuming your child was born in the UK so is a UK citizen. Your situation could be complicated by the Hague Convention if he decides (or is pressured by his family) that he needs to be (or fake being) 'Father of the Year'.

Hi, OP, hope you are coping as best you can. I think you need some suggestions from @AcrossthePond55 and @TheShellBeach who always give sound advice.

Yeah the lying is a dealbreaker for me. As is the flipping it around on you, calling you mad, etc, then bringing up your male friends to take the attention off his (genuinely) shady behavior.

he’ll only get worse- once they show this tactic, they’re showing you how low they will go.

I hope you escape.

I would be careful with Google translate.
My husband is German too, and sometimes translation in Google is way off/misleading.

Write yourself a to do list and at the top put 'leave husband'. Look into rental accommodation in the UK, ask friends and family for support, and get yourself away from this controlling man.

@Lili10 Been thinking about you. These are dark days but there will be a time in the future when things eventually resolve and become considerably better. This week, seeing things with fresh eyes and a different perspective, you might find some allies and support from people in unexpected places.

It sounds like you know what you have to do OP.

Did you move to Germany from the UK? If so, how difficult would it be for you to get back here, and get yourself set up again, ie, do you have family and friends that would support you? Have you previously worked in a sector that it would be easy to get back into? Do you think your 'H' would fight you for your child?

Start making plans to leave, maybe you could star applying for jobs in the UK? Many do online interviews, then as someone said earlier, visit the UK on holiday and don't return. He's not gonna get any better from here.

You sound very switched on. He's totally trying to mess with you. It's very calculated on his part.

He sounds controlling and diminishing of you. The way you talk about sex makes me feel uncomfortable for you, like you're feeding a hungry lion rather than enjoying a mutually pleasurable and loving act. I hope I misunderstood.

OP, put your phone away for the night. I know your mind will be racing but you need the benefit of sleep.

Tomorrow really is a fresh start.