Husband secretly messaging friend

Op must add though that your husband does sound like a massive hypocrite and controlling which is concerning.

@Lili10 I won’t comment on the relationship aspect other than to say your DH sounds like a Twatwaffle!

But as someone who studied German for GCSE and A Level, I would say it is a very logical and structured language, so some brains and learning types do better than others. My one piece of advice is if you’re trying to maximise the vocabulary you know, make sure you learn the gender that goes with the noun; e.g. Der Tisch, Das Fenster, Die Schule. It honestly will make it so much easier when you come to more advanced grammar and how the gender changes in accusative/dative forms etc.

Leave him.

Get your life, freedom and friends back.

I could have written this post myself apart from the messaging of a female friend. I am married and have a 4 year old. Our marriage a few months ago was not going well, lots of rows etc and him doing very little parenting of our child. It resulted in a big row a few months ago and it turned out my DH was depressed for a few different reasons. He threatened to leave at that point. We have been working on things and it has improved vastly since he started on medication and therapy. Would it be possible your DH is going through something similar ? The texting of his friend may be a type of escapism for him from the drudgery of family life. From my experience a man not wanting to be involved with his own child may be a symptom of something deeper. It’s not your fault though. It’s his fault and he needs to work on it. Some difficult conversations may be needed at this point.

You deserve better than that

Arschloch. Love this! Didn’t even need to look it up!

You sound lovely OP. Really lovely.

Start making enquiries about your options and remember that even if you feel everything is out of control, you do have control over your options and what you do next. Decisions don’t have to be made today, this week, this month, but just having a Plan B can make a huge difference to your mental state.

💐 for you.

Dein Mann ist ein Arschloch.

Come back to the UK on an extended visit to Mum. She'll understand once she knows.

Ich wůnsche dir alles Gute xxx

DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc)

Urgh. How utterly pathetic of him. I don’t know how you can even find him attractive when he doesn’t bother with his own child. HIS child. I’d be out of there.

I feel fed up b3cause I wmat answers he wnet polcie and tryed having me lcoekd up after 4 hrs of calling me yo yo knickers etx I lashed put and slapped him on the face I told polcie what I'd been thru constant calls on withwld numbers telling me.he was cheating etx and him messaging fake id he'd added I found a pcitkre of the fake id taken by a mobile device on his tablet I'm.confused to.qich both was causing ago and was hw involved qoth either or just being nasty

I think there all hypocrites my partner ahd relieved messages slagjng me off from my sons gf with I found strange slagjing em off lies ans deciet about me abusing my son horrible nasty things calling me a scrounger I came out qork theu ill health he's never supported me.financially at all he contacted a mate to doacuss our relationship I asked him to stop as I feared things may develop and hw carried on she wmet on to tell me he was messaging agen and obvs I ajd spurts he argued and bcloekd me wmet single on fb ignored me avoiding sex wtx treating me badly and asking me to move put I found a brolly in his car and Christmas just gone I found out he'd messaged back interesting messages wne my sons gf was forwarding screwnshots and why was she in contact on what'app I've ahd calls on qothwld numbers abuse from hikq en he wasnt free new yearsbeve and my bday sed he was working a so called mate rols me he was cheating ahd a hotel booked and cancelled it I don't know he'd denied kt but been abusive and added the fake od I don't know who's made it my sons gf or that mate that theb bcloed me and sent him old messages about a guy I used to see bfe him so he's abused mw for 4 years and accused mw of cheating I've helath pebbles periods stopped and now he's accusing em of being pregnant to someone else my sons gf was sensing abusive messages alst year he dismt defend me and allowed the messages to flow shw made a fake account twlijg hik I abused my son disnt care about gim manipulative texting 😢 and I feel so betrayed would anyone else ??? Please can anyone give me some feedback on this 🙏

Hes controlling which is a form of abuse and a gross cheat. Hes also neglecting his own child. Dump and run. No bloke is better than this one.

He’s controlling and a hypocrite. He secretly sending messages like that and what else you don’t know about. He also sounds very selfish and childish.

There's no one more jealous and controlling that a cheater, they know how easy it is.

You know 100% that he has no problem lying and deceiving you to your face while painting himself out to be a saint. As if that wasn't bad enough he can't even be bothered with his son. Get all the support and advice you can.

I have naively just been waiting for him to get on board with being a dad and covering everything whilst he does.

Your son is 4, not 4 months. He's not going to change.

Protests your friendships & uses your good nature to isolate you from them.
Crosses lines of fidelity with his own friends. Lies to you.

What a shocker.

He is not a good man, you can do better

Classic manipulator.

He pulled the old truck of 'woe is me, I've been so hurt that unless you drop all of your male friends, I'm never going to believe that you love me!'

That gives him the green light to do what he likes behind your back because if he's caught he can whip out the old, 'but you know how much I was hurt, I'd never do that to you!'

He's horrible. What a shame you have a child with him.

He’s showing you who he is. You don’t love him. You love the him you thought he was. Except he wasn’t that person. It was a mask to get you hooked.
The controls and behaviours and expectations, like isolating are slow so you are in the net without realising how you got there.

The frog in a pot. …put a frog in a pan of hot water it will jump straight back out. Put it in a pan of cold water then heat the water slowly. Then eventually crank it up. By the time frog starts to realise it’s in trouble it’s too late ..it’s cooking. No way out.

He won’t get better. He will get worse. IMO and in my experience. I foolishly fell for it 3 times. Messed myself up big time. They get very good at their art. Predators after prey. The lucky ones they keep as girlfriends, the best ones, they marry. Lying, projecting, gaslighting, tell you you’re crazy if you call them out on anything, you’re mentally ill, need help. You are TheOne and how could you possibly think poor innocent them would ever do anything heinous? It’s a game to them. They need to get away with cheating and lying to feel powerful and in control. Superior to poor stupid wifey.
The man you fell for does not exist ..Jekyll and Hyde, but Jekyll is actually worse than Hyde because he is the deceiver that tricked you in the first place. Hyde is the real man and they are misogynistic. Use women but secretly despise them.

I agree with others you need a plan to get out, see a lawyer and don’t tell husband. These men are very dangerous if they think they are going to lose control. Read up on narcissism

DO NOT remove your child from the country without legal advice. You may have an argument about the UK being his country of residence but it is not as straight forward as length of time. If he is in pre school that strengthens the case for Germany. Your husband may not have much interest in the child but considering his controlling nature he will probably try to use him to at least force you to stay in the country. Get legal advice but do it quickly the longer you live there the harder it gets to leave with him.

It's the hypocrisy.
He should be giving energy to you.
He should be giving energy to your child.
Not random!
Younneed to focus on you too. Go out by yourself and leave hi. With DC.
Reading the rest of your posts, I hope you can survive the holiday (understandably not breezy).
Even if spread out you'll know the one person who will help you, use that as your anchor point.
You got this. I'm sorry this is happening but it's better to know than to not. Whatever happens you'll make it out the other side and be ok.
Sending strength x

Hi op - just be careful when you tell him you are going to leave him. He’s had control over you for years. I’d also not think of where you move to being based on his ability to see his son - hes not been much of a father yet by the sounds of it. Focus on yourself.

"Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc)"

And what effort is he making for you? You say he isn't actively involved with caring for his child, and now he's moved you away from all your support network, isolated by not speaking the language, dependent on him financially. This is a controlling behaviour tick list. But, this line jumped out at me, are you having sex with him "3x p/w" because you want to have sex, or is it to keep him happy? There's a lot going on here that's making me uncomfortable, and I think you know it's not ok really. This is not a healthy relationship, and he's not a good man.

What a controlling hypocrite. And a truly shit father to boot.

Go back to the UK. Take your son. Make your own place there.

There were charges threatened which would have meant her immigration status would have been a problem (could have been denied residency) and she couldn't have stayed in the same country as her child.

In the end the child was returned to the father and she wasn't allowed to take the child for even holidays to her home country. That was the 'lucky' version after months of agony and worry.

What happened?