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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secretly messaging friend

89 replies

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 22:50

Please tell me - AIBU

when we got together, almost 7 years ago, my husband was super insecure. He'd come out of a bad relationship and had trust issues so struggled A LOT with my male friends and me going out by myself. I took the approach of I loved him and wanted to help him gain confidence and so reassured him a lot, went out less and was very supportive / open about my male friends (there were not many and not close friends) but gradually these fell away and gradually I stopped going out without him.

My husband recently had a birthday. He showed me a message from a female friend but it was in German (his language) and told me it was just a general catch up message with happy birthday and, because he wanted to be open, there was nothing to worry about.

I thought that was all weird (too much reassurance when it wasn't needed) so a few weeks later I google translated the messages.

He'd messaged her talking about a what if moment about when they'd nearly gone out and imagine what would have happened and did she ever think about it. She messaged back saying stuff would definitely have happened. She asked if he'd be sunbathing nude on holiday etc

For context, they are both married with kids. our marriage is not going well. We have a 4 year old and he's not exactly enjoying family life (he doesn't do a lot with him) and is often complaining my main focus is our DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc) our DS does need attention and I am pretty much the only person looking after him.

Am I right to feel annoyed with the hypocrisy and like this is the first step to cheating? I am at the moment furious and need some rationalisation I think.

Or am I being insecure and need to focus on him a bit more?

I don't mind him having female friends, but he doesn't mention me in any messages, there's no suggestion of us meeting up all together so we can be couple mates so this all feels secret and like he's a massive hypocrite.

OP posts:
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Mum5net · 30/08/2024 10:00

I know of someone who was found guilty of child abduction. Your approach much better. Finding the resolve and the determination will come naturally. Can you do any side hustles to hasten the 2000 euros? Anything from extra baby sitting, dog walking to something more career oriented? Does your DH have your location in his phone? He doesn’t need to know you are trying to squirrel funds.

Original poster
Lili10 · 29/08/2024 21:07

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2024 13:17

You will feel so much better at home in the UK, speaking the language, and supporting yourself. Hopefully he will let you both go.

❤️

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2024 13:17

You will feel so much better at home in the UK, speaking the language, and supporting yourself. Hopefully he will let you both go.

Original poster
Lili10 · 29/08/2024 12:52

Just for those reading this in a similar situation, I have taken initial legal advice. They've said if I leave without permission, then it's classed as child abduction and I've have to do a lot to prove it was necessary.

So I am going to focus on trying to find a job in the UK and trigger conversations with H around moving back, rather than the messages.

Until formal proceedings or until I pay them 2,000 euros that I don't have , they can't advise about financials (my other big worry as I have nothing) but they say I would not be left with zero. I'd have to make a plan with him for child custody but I very much doubt he'd fight for 50% which makes the UK more possible. I'd also be more likely find work in the UK which would help the financial agreement in his favour.

As for the messages, he just said I'm being ridiculous and he's only hiding them because I am over reacting and doesn't want me to get upset over nothing. I keep an eye on them and they're still messaging, though he has cooled off his messages but she keeps messaging saying that she's thinking of him all the time. He's now deleted all of them. I think he was testing the water but that's already a big red flag, especially given how he'd react if the situation was reversed. If it's not her it's going to be someone else in the future, I know that.

So now I just have to see if I can find a job somewhere reasonable in the UK and then pluck up some courage.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2024 12:48

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:25

*I thought so. Control is insidious and doesn't have to be obvious. It creeps up on you.

What do you want to do? How do you think he'd react if you started pushing back? After all he's got you right where he wants you.*

Yes, we moved to Germany 18 months ago and I'm finding it hard to find work (learning German but it's hard), so yes - we are fully reliant on him.

I asked him if I needed to worry about her, because I'd never met her and he got super defensive and told me I was mad and then listed "all the male friends" he'd had to deal with which I'd never provided suitable reassurances about.

If I was giving me advice I think, which is why I asked, this is big red flag beating me on the head (I've ignored or missed the other ones) and I think I need to prepare to leave. It's not the messages, I think it's the lie and that he's demanding different things of me.

It's pathetic, but I love him and I just want him to be better but that's not in the cards I've got.

A very brave and insightful post. I hope you can come home with your little boy and start over. You deserve so much better than this manipulative creep.

Original poster
Lili10 · 29/08/2024 12:41

Mum5net · 25/07/2024 19:25

@Lili10 Are you back from holiday? How are you faring? Hope you are surviving.

Sorry, summer holidays were a lot to manage. I'm ok. Need to start making plans now that DC is back into school. I think I've been burying my head a little hoping it will fix itself. It hasn't... thanks for checking though.

OP posts:
youlied · 25/07/2024 19:52

This is how my EH's affair began. We're now divorced

Anon4once · 25/07/2024 19:27

Ynbu
Maybe he was insecure because of what he was doing?

Mum5net · 25/07/2024 19:25

@Lili10 Are you back from holiday? How are you faring? Hope you are surviving.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2024 23:36

@Lili10

If you don't want to do a 'midnight flit', then the next best thing would be to either plan a 'visit' home for you and DC then simply not return or have a family member invent some dire emergency that would require you (with DC) flying home in a hurry. Naturally, either one would depend on your husband not really caring if you went and took the DC with you. And I'm not advocating either. The decision is entirely up to you.

I think your first step would be to speak to a solicitor. In Germany to familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of child custody in general without specifically mentioning that you are planning to leave the country, in the UK to educate yourself as to how the courts feel about UK citizen children permanently returning to the UK with a parent.

Hague Convention can be confusing and different countries have different ways to determine 'habitual residence'. In the UK, you need to see a specialist attorney.

Original poster
Lili10 · 20/07/2024 21:14

Thanks everyone for the responses. I am reading them all but can't reply to them all (on holiday and trying to read all this discretely) but I'm very grateful for the input.

I have been thinking about this constantly. I can't leave the country in the dead of night as I think that will damage my prospects with regards to DC and I'm not sure it is the best for DC as it will be a big shock. But I think some people have said I should not worry about DH approach to relationship re parenting and let him figure that out which I also think is true.

I think I need to work out how to go and get some legal advice before I do anything. I don't want to damage anything but I think I know it needs to end now or at some point in the foreseeable future.

Someone said that the messages are actually less important and I think that's true, but it has shown me some truths that I needed to see.

Being a grown up is really crap sometimes.X

OP posts:
MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/07/2024 19:05

DEE121 · 19/07/2024 19:15

I think there all hypocrites my partner ahd relieved messages slagjng me off from my sons gf with I found strange slagjing em off lies ans deciet about me abusing my son horrible nasty things calling me a scrounger I came out qork theu ill health he's never supported me.financially at all he contacted a mate to doacuss our relationship I asked him to stop as I feared things may develop and hw carried on she wmet on to tell me he was messaging agen and obvs I ajd spurts he argued and bcloekd me wmet single on fb ignored me avoiding sex wtx treating me badly and asking me to move put I found a brolly in his car and Christmas just gone I found out he'd messaged back interesting messages wne my sons gf was forwarding screwnshots and why was she in contact on what'app I've ahd calls on qothwld numbers abuse from hikq en he wasnt free new yearsbeve and my bday sed he was working a so called mate rols me he was cheating ahd a hotel booked and cancelled it I don't know he'd denied kt but been abusive and added the fake od I don't know who's made it my sons gf or that mate that theb bcloed me and sent him old messages about a guy I used to see bfe him so he's abused mw for 4 years and accused mw of cheating I've helath pebbles periods stopped and now he's accusing em of being pregnant to someone else my sons gf was sensing abusive messages alst year he dismt defend me and allowed the messages to flow shw made a fake account twlijg hik I abused my son disnt care about gim manipulative texting 😢 and I feel so betrayed would anyone else ??? Please can anyone give me some feedback on this 🙏

You’re posting one someone else’s thread firstly and secondly, I have no idea what you’re trying to say due to all the errors. Sounds like you’re on drugs tbh

Lisachooky · 20/07/2024 13:44

Make sure you have your own bank account.if out don't rust him now and it obvious he's even given good cause for that,sadly, you don't know what your future holds,someone else said control is insidious,so right.put all your love and time into your child,your hubby's insecurities leave them to him to sort out, and speaking to another woman in a foreign language ? Tells me he has something to hide, ok it's just talk for now, but he didn't need to contact her t all, he's married to you,and should be putting all he is,and all he has into your marriage.good luck.

Dinkydo12 · 19/07/2024 23:56

Gaslighting. Start living your life not his.

Harry12345 · 19/07/2024 23:24

This would be cheating in my book! Total red flag and disrespectful behaviour! Sex 3pw and date nights with a 4 year old is more than most manage and it should be a sign of a good healthy relationship but it doesn’t sound like it is, why is he not being a present dad? You’re doing everything on your own and being treated badly! Hope you are ok, I’ve been there when younger, if that happened to me in my 40s like we are, I’d be gone x

Lovefromjuliaxo · 19/07/2024 22:05

Why did you have children with this man knowing how insecure he is

LivelyMintViper · 19/07/2024 22:05

Have you pointed out that were the situation reversed he would not be happy? He is a massive hypocrite

cannockcandy · 19/07/2024 22:00

I'm glad you're not one of those women who see the whopping red flag (and then realise there are hundreds of little ones too) but ignore it because it's surrounded by yellow ones. You should never settle for less than you deserve, and you need your child to see how a healthy relationship works, and how an unhealthy one doesn't.
I promise you that things will get better, I can assure you of this cause I've been where you are. Thankfully all my friends were right where I left them and held me up when I felt like I was falling apart.
10 years on I'm in the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever had, my son has the best father a boy could ask for - his bio dad decided being a father was too hard - and have a happy home full of laughter and love. X

SummerHoHoHoNy · 19/07/2024 21:31

Lili10 · 16/07/2024 14:48

Thanks everyone. Feels helpful to know that I'm not being paranoid or hyper insecure.
Just not sure what to do next.
Don't really know where to go. I have friends / family in the UK but they are all very spread out, so there isn't an obvious return point.
I don't think he'll object (strongly) to me going back but I would like my DC to be able to see him and have some sort of relationship.
I guess it'll work it out once I have my ducks more lined up.
Currently on holiday trying to pretend I'm breezy. I am not breezy.

I just wanted to say totally different scenario (I couldn’t afford to live in my city anymore and I couldn’t afford to live where any of my family or friends lived) so I had to move to a town where I knew no one, just me and my (at the time) 3 year old twins. They’re now ten, I’m still single but as happy as can be, I have lots of lovely friends and a job I love. My kids are so happy. My mum moved to where I am because she loved it so much when she visited. Don’t let fear of the unknown/ no obvious location stop you from leaving him. Also, I know you say you want him to have a relationship with your DC. Don’t base your choices on that. I would literally walk on fire to be near my kids. He either will, or he won’t. Proximity shouldn’t come into it. Your DC will be happiest if you’re happy. Is there any point in staying in Germany for him to be a crappy part time dad? Look after yourself and don’t let him doubt yourself anymore xx

Despair1 · 19/07/2024 21:16

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. He has clearly knocked your confidence with you querying if you need to focus more on him ???? Sex 3x a week, you must be exhausted and caring for your son with little support from him. You describe your husband not enjoying family life, that is putting enormous pressure on you. I don't know what your future holds but you need to get talking to him. Otherwise, resentment will grow and you will be increasingly unhappy.
Take care

IAlwaysTellTheTruthEvenWhenILie · 19/07/2024 20:53

I'm sorry, op. I'm also in Germany and know how isolating it can be. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DH was also doing this behind my back.

EI12 · 19/07/2024 20:53

I must be old-fashioned, but DH and I do not have friends of the opposite sex. We have colleagues and I have a gay friend, but we do not put temptation in our way deliberately. We never set this as a rule, but we were both brought traditionally - friendship, then courtship, then marriage, then children. You are not officially married, you are in the 'courtship' category - why put another woman/man into the mix? We are all weak creatures, why tempt fate?

ByLilacMember · 19/07/2024 20:50

Why not just confront him in an assertive and confident way? It's your life and you shouldn't have to run away. Explain what you now know? Tell him how you feel and hopefully go to relationship counseling. With a child there's a lot of skin in the game. He sounds like a jerk but I reckon you should still do the grown up thing. Then you can at least know you've tried your best. Best of luck

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 19/07/2024 20:41

You know the answer OP. I have a few male friends, a couple of which I almost slept with / dated many many years ago. I would never in a thousand million years message them something like that, and would end the friendship at once if they tried to.

ActualChips · 19/07/2024 20:22

@DEE121 you need to start your own thread. Your posts are almost impossible to understand, and replies on this thread will be for the OP (original poster)