Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

184 replies

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 15:58

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

OP posts:
Sillystrumpet · 16/07/2024 10:42

caringcarer · 16/07/2024 10:26

This. Do it quickly.

Show quote history

Enjoying the drama then?

caringcarer · 16/07/2024 10:26

Letsgocamping67 · 15/07/2024 16:15

Send it back and order the 110 ml. I would.

This. Do it quickly.

WatchingTheTime · 16/07/2024 10:22

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:52

She probably didn’t earn what you did either. And yes people bought houses for that much then too.

Show quote history

Vanishingly few people bought a house for 250k+ in the 80s. The average cost of a detached house in the mid 80s was less than 60k. I worked as an estate agent in the mid/late 80s in a desirable area where property was relatively expensive, and we opened a bottle of wine in the office the first time we sold a property for 100k - and that was a large detached house.

Disturbia81 · 16/07/2024 09:55

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Soooo glad others have already said this post is batshit. How privileged and tiny minded is this poster.

KirstenBlest · 16/07/2024 09:25

@RedHelenB , maybe OP's DC have to go without because of the over-generous gift.

RedHelenB · 16/07/2024 09:14

You're being controlling OP. Your dp has bought the gift it's up to him . This may will be why women end up doing all the present buying as they have their SO micromanaging all the time.

PasteldeNata78 · 16/07/2024 08:35

Gwenhwyfar · 15/07/2024 19:17

"My gift range is £10 - £30 max, and dependent on bargains/humour factor/relevance!"

Me too, but I'm glad I'm single if being married really means having to ask permission to spend anything over £50! The couples I know with joint finances do consult each other, but that's for big spends like a new washing machine.

Well obviously it depends on how skint you are.
We aren't so we don't need to.
Some people are in debt for the essentials can you imagine chucking £50 on a gift?

Sillystrumpet · 16/07/2024 08:20

Valeriekat · 16/07/2024 07:07

Don't. you think 70 quid for perfume for a step grandfather is a little excessive?

Show quote history

No. It depends on your finances.

Maggiethecat · 16/07/2024 07:58

StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 19:28

I’m shocked at how many people are saying they’d send it back or exchange it. I’d find it quite violating if my DH decided I’d spent too much and returned my purchase. It would be a bit of a red flag moment.

Agree with this.

Tippexy · 16/07/2024 07:41

KirstenBlest · 15/07/2024 19:11

@Tippexy , 4.5 times my salary. Interest rates were around 6%. I was on a temporary contract.

Thank you.

And there we have it - as in 2022, full-time employees in England could expect to spend around 8.3 times their annual earnings buying a home. Nothing like the 4.1 times ratio in the 1970s.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/07/2024 07:23

There’s so much to unpick here it’s impossible to begin.

we spend about £75pp each on our parents, including my step: 88, 88 and 80 at Christmas; £50 for birthdays. We spent the same on grandparents but that was decades ago.

We have helped our dc and wish they wouldn’t buy us more than a £20 token.

There’s nowt as queer as folk.

Valeriekat · 16/07/2024 07:07

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Don't. you think 70 quid for perfume for a step grandfather is a little excessive?

Mmmm19 · 16/07/2024 06:47

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:14

He’s bought a 200ml bottle and there’s a 110ml bottle available for £30. Wouldn’t even mind if we spent that

Edited
Show quote history

Well isn’t that completely on him then. £30 gift is normal for post people

newnamethanks · 16/07/2024 06:36

It's from Amazon. Send it back and get something cheaper.

crockofshite · 16/07/2024 06:23

Choochoo21 · 15/07/2024 19:26

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Does the grandma have access to your Amazon account and ordered it using your money?

If not, I am confused as to why you are annoyed at the grandma and not the person who saw the price and went ahead and still ordered it.

Grandma suggested that particular gift, she might or might not have known how much it cost and might or might not have known the impact of the cost on OP

lapochette · 16/07/2024 06:23

@Ruderequest I

"I think if I suggest it to DH it will annoy him. I don’t want to seem controlling. He never polices my spending but also if I were to spend over £50 I would talk to him about it"

You've said dh never polices your spending and you don't want to be controlling so why don't you let it go this time and then have a conversation about setting budgets for future presents?

Original poster
Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 22:08

lottiegarbanzo · 15/07/2024 19:52

The thing that stands out is your unwillingness to have a simple conversation with your DH. Viewing ordinary conversation as 'conflict'.

Why the antagonism between you? What are you scared of?

Cos tbh I know if the tables were turned I’d be defensive of my spending. As it happens we’ve had the conversation anyway and turns out it was indeed on offer.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 15/07/2024 22:02

How long has DG partner been on the picture?

Because it's interesting how here a step-family member isn't worthy of being considered family but on other threads to leave them out and treat them "other" would be mortal sin

lottiegarbanzo · 15/07/2024 19:52

The thing that stands out is your unwillingness to have a simple conversation with your DH. Viewing ordinary conversation as 'conflict'.

Why the antagonism between you? What are you scared of?

SwirlyWhirls · 15/07/2024 19:36

BusterGonad · 15/07/2024 16:10

Are you taking the piss? £70 to £80 on a distant relatives birthday present is loads. I'd say you must be pretty loaded if this is the norm. I'd love to be able to spend that and not bat an eye.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t generally spend more than about half that on any of my immediate family, never mind Granny’s husband

StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 19:28

I’m shocked at how many people are saying they’d send it back or exchange it. I’d find it quite violating if my DH decided I’d spent too much and returned my purchase. It would be a bit of a red flag moment.

Choochoo21 · 15/07/2024 19:26

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Does the grandma have access to your Amazon account and ordered it using your money?

If not, I am confused as to why you are annoyed at the grandma and not the person who saw the price and went ahead and still ordered it.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/07/2024 19:23

Gwenhwyfar · 15/07/2024 19:11

Yes, house prices have increased MUCH MORE than wages have increased.

(That doesn't necessarily mean I agree with OP's controlling attitude to her DH's spending).

Show quote history

Looks like my graphic didn't past over. Trying again. From Reddit. [OC] Salaries vs House prices in UK : r/dataisbeautiful (reddit.com)

To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…
Gwenhwyfar · 15/07/2024 19:17

"My gift range is £10 - £30 max, and dependent on bargains/humour factor/relevance!"

Me too, but I'm glad I'm single if being married really means having to ask permission to spend anything over £50! The couples I know with joint finances do consult each other, but that's for big spends like a new washing machine.

KirstenBlest · 15/07/2024 19:15

I'm Gen X. No Bank of Mum & Dad. Not expecting any inheritance.