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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don’t ask for a present of this value…

184 replies

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 15:58

I’m annoyed, possibly irrationally so and need talking down.

DH was stuck for ideas for his grandma’s husband’s birthday (in his 70s, younger than her) and so asked for some present inspiration from her. Today arrives a large bottle of aftershave from the Amazon delivery guy. I searched for it on Amazon and see it’s priced between £70-80.

I’m really cross. They are not that close, we see them maybe twice a year and they are very well off indeed but have never helped us out when we have been struggling in the past. I’d never spend this on a relative’s birthday and if I was going to I would discuss it with DH. We have just fixed at a ridiculously high (5%) mortgage rate and we have a baby on the way soon. We’ve never really needed to watch the cash and as such have never had a present budget but we do need one now as my maternity pay is not going to be great and we’re both trying to save as much as possible, which has been a common understanding for months now.

I’m also annoyed at his grandma for having little concept of cost?

Prepared to be told AIBU but how is best to approach this without conflict? I don’t want to argue, I’m just stressed as to me every penny counts.

OP posts:
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FalderalderaldoSittingintheWater · 22/07/2024 14:31

Unless the grandmother is aware of your financial situation, why would she not suggest such a gift? Her son asked for an idea, she gave him one

Notreat · 22/07/2024 14:24

I am not sure this is true. It's true that houses were less expensive then compared to wages but very often the woman's income wasn't recognised when applying for a mortgage or if they were it was at a much lower rate than the mens. And until 1974 it was legal to refuse a woman any type of loan just because they were a woman. When I was growing up I didn't know anyone who owned their own home.
That's not to say I don't think it is hard for young people now, of course it is. I just think pitting the generations of against each other is very unhelpful. We have all had difficult situations to cope with.

FlipFlopVibe · 18/07/2024 13:43

The oldies “you never had it as bad as us” comments are embarrassing. Understand economics and you’ll know it is an awful lot harder for younger generations now to purchase a property than it was in the 70’s/80’s. Literally everyone knows that!

MartinsSpareCalculator · 17/07/2024 11:28

5% isn't a ridiculously high mortgage rate. It's a very normal rate, but rates have been artificially low for the past 15 years.

I don't personally see £70 as an outrageous amount to spend on a birthday gift. But being a grown up, presumably your husband could have stated his budget when asking for ideas.

Also not entirely clear on why his gran should have helped you financially.

apeachandapear · 17/07/2024 11:25

Is your DH a bit daft or lazy (didn't think to check there was a smaller, cheaper bottle) or you just have very different ideas on what budgeting is?
Cos that's the real issue, not Granny's suggestion.

MagicFarawayTea · 16/07/2024 23:46

I may be in the minority here, but I’m finding the whole idea of buying birthday gifts for some old bloke you aren’t even related to bloody odd. He’s in his 70s, wealthy and you rarely see him. Surely sending a card would suffice?
Is there an expectation in the family to buy every adult a birthday gift? Because I agree that spending this amount of money on “granny’s husband “ is bonkers.

venus7 · 16/07/2024 22:18

GrannyRose15 · 16/07/2024 22:04

Yes it is.

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Thank you; I've already addressed this in pp.

GrannyRose15 · 16/07/2024 22:04

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:24

18.63% of £25,000 isn't £4657.50.

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Yes it is.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2024 21:58

KirstenBlest · 16/07/2024 09:25

@RedHelenB , maybe OP's DC have to go without because of the over-generous gift.

She mentioned being pregnant, but did she mention children already existing?

pineapplesundae · 16/07/2024 20:57

It's a one-time purchase. I would let it go but I would have a discussion about future spending.

Tandora · 16/07/2024 20:10

Maggiethecat · 16/07/2024 07:58

Agree with this.

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Same!!! I think YABU OP and controlling. If your DP is generally much too spendy with money and you can’t afford the mortgage then that is a larger conversation , but flying off the handle because he once spent a bit too much on his granny’s husband’s birthday present? OTT. Talk to him about it if you like, but this is something you have to decide together, and no reason to be angry about it.

Jeannie88 · 16/07/2024 20:00

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:07

I think it’s a bit tone deaf to say it must be very bad indeed if we can’t afford £70 like that. Honestly which family can in the COL crisis??

It’s priorities, isn’t it? Of course we have the £70 available and more but we also need to make sure we are financially stable when I have reduced income over maternity leave, and to deal with this new mahoosive mortgage payment and any unexpected bills.
Nothing wrong with a gift that costs half this and inviting them over for dinner - imo.

Edited
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This was a bad response, oh how can a £70 gift not be affordable? Please ignore, I don't understand how some people can be so condescending, guess it's how they get their kicks sadly. 🙄 Same here, comfortable, we don't spend that much either on presents. Your DH needs to shop around more and get your input. X

Pemba · 16/07/2024 19:56

MadMadaMim · 16/07/2024 19:38

There's a much bigger issue here.

You checked Amazon to see the price - why?

If it was a gold watch or some simar OTT gift, I can maybe sort of understand - but a bottle of aftershave? Why would you even check, what were you hoping for when you did that?

Some branded aftershaves, like perfumes, can be really expensive.

Some people (most I think) have to watch their budgets! Which includes gifts for family. This should not be news, really.

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:55

tazgirl · 16/07/2024 19:28

Yes it is

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Of course; you're right. The missing comma threw me.

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:40

Hedgeoffressian · 15/07/2024 18:45

Surely that’s irrelevant 🙄

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Not if op is accusing them of greed/insensitivity/lack of financial awareness.

MadMadaMim · 16/07/2024 19:38

There's a much bigger issue here.

You checked Amazon to see the price - why?

If it was a gold watch or some simar OTT gift, I can maybe sort of understand - but a bottle of aftershave? Why would you even check, what were you hoping for when you did that?

lemming40 · 16/07/2024 19:34

How is a 5% mortgage ridiculously high??

tazgirl · 16/07/2024 19:28

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:24

18.63% of £25,000 isn't £4657.50.

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Yes it is

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:24

ImplacableDiscernment · 15/07/2024 17:38

YANBU, the fault lies with your DH. In my family we spend £20 for Secret Santa. In DH's family they spend a lot more on presents. We have separate money, DH can spend what he likes, as long as it does NOT come from our family budget.

I find all this generational twaddle annoying. There is however a fact, things were easier for people starting out in the early 1980s. This was true of young, working families in the 50s and it is true now. It is a fact that my parents had an easier time of it financially. In both of our families, only the DH worked and DM's were SAHM. They both lived in local authority houses for a time. Higher mortgage rates were more common back then. They still had a better standard of living.

Looking at average house prices now and 45ish years ago:
5% of £250,000 is £12,500 (2024)
18.63% of £25,000 is £4657.50 (early 1980's)

I

18.63% of £25,000 isn't £4657.50.

notatinydancer · 16/07/2024 19:20

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:05

It must be very bad indeed if you can’t afford this, it seems you’ve different views on how skint you both are, so you need to sit down and talk about the fact you’re struggling so much financially and can’t afford this.

personlly I can’t imagine sitting looking to see how much it cost, and think it shows just how hard up you both are, how does he not know this.

agree a budget between you.

Can you really not grasp some people might not have £70-80 to spend on a present ?

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:18

greenpolarbear · 15/07/2024 17:17

It's not been as high as 7% in the last 25 years, so most people under 50 only ever knew low mortgage interest rates until Liz Truss got involved.

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Just because they only knew lower rates personally doesn't negate the average.
Interest rates have been abnormally low....there was always going to be a balancing change.

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:12

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:53

I work in the public sector. Wages have stagnated for years.

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But not since the 80's.......

venus7 · 16/07/2024 19:03

Ruderequest · 15/07/2024 16:10

I think you’re probably right :( but how they can’t see that we are working every hour under the sun to make sure we have enough behind us, I don’t know. I’m trying not to let it wind me up but struggling

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How can they know your financial situation if you are not close and see them only once or twice a year? Not a criticism, just that many people wouldn't know whether friends/family are struggling unless close enough to discuss such things.

Disturbia81 · 16/07/2024 12:28

@StormingNorman Didn't have to scroll far.. just agreeing with others. It's a discussion forum.. 😂

StormingNorman · 16/07/2024 12:08

Disturbia81 · 16/07/2024 09:55

Soooo glad others have already said this post is batshit. How privileged and tiny minded is this poster.

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So you scrolled past the post, saw the responses and decided to go back to stick the boot in?

Swipe left for the next trending thread