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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I controlling?

78 replies

bigminime · 15/07/2024 11:20

Dh and I are both quiet by nature unlike dh family who are loud and pushy and can be quite persuasive.
I never felt like I had a voice with his family or even with dh if and we discussed anything and made plans they'd soon be pushed aside when his family had other suggestions.
I decided a couple of years ago not to go along with what his family were doing and keep myself to myself and asked dh not to share too much of our personal lives because his thoughts would often change as they talked him in or out of things after we'd agreed between ourselves.
Dh doesn't see much of them now and I know it's because of arguments with him always trying to please his family and please me and in the end I think he felt he had to choose although that was never truly the case, more that he was fed up being stuck in the middle.
Dh has never been much of a decision maker and likes to go with the flow but I feel like he'll agree with me if they aren't involved or them otherwise.

I suppose I felt as if they stepped on my toes and I'm used to my independence and felt a bit stifled.
Now there isn't any real relationship between dh and his family and I suppose I'm responsible for that even though dh says he doesn't mind or could see them if he wanted but doesn't bother these days.
I feel a lot of guilt and as much as I'd like to put things right I can't go back to being constantly undermined either.
All I said was I didn't want to be involved with them and he's not seen them either because for very obvious reasons they don't like me now and want to see him without me which I do worry about because I know they'll try and persuade him to leave and I think he knows this and that's why he stays away.
I thought getting away from them would make me happier but living with this guilty feeling is even worse.
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.
I used to think how controlling they were and it was unbearable but now I'm wondering if I've been just as controlling?

OP posts:
ContentSolitudinarian · 15/07/2024 11:38

Your DH has chosen to have lower contact with his family rather than deal with the issues. He finds that easier, so he's chosen that for himself. My take on it fwiw.

anchoviesanchovies · 15/07/2024 11:37

This is quite hard to answer without more information really. To my mind, a lot of what you said does sound controlling and it’s a shame that he effectively no longer has contact with his family. You saying he’ll agree with you without their influence sounds a bit off. BUT it depends on how they undermined you. Is it just that you have different opinions to them or were they really trying to control DH? Any examples?

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/07/2024 11:36

If he asked you not to talk about things that were going on in your life or things that were bothering you with your family and friends, because he didn’t want them saying something different from what he was telling you, would you think that was a healthy dynamic?

Isolating a partner from family and friends and ensuring they can’t seek outside opinions about something is a tactic commonly used by those who want to remain in control, because it means that the partner never realises that the something in question is abnormal or that other people disagree with it. Perhaps his family were overbearing, but I don’t think that your response to it is facilitating a healthy, equal relationship.