My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

He didn't cheat. He sent a message that depending on the way you read it , could have led to cheating but you don't know that. Your title is misleading

I don't think it was wise to screenshot and send to family WhatsApp. What actual good could come of this ? You just need to decide how much his message hurt you and your relationship and then move on (even if it's without him, that's of course your right).

If you continue with him then only do so if you think there is the potential to could trust him again. If not the relationship is gone.

Sorry I wasn't more clear for you. My personal opinion - like everyone posts on here - is that checking her husband's personal messages, and attempting to shame him by sending a private argument to his family are behaviours that plenty of people wouldn't tolerate from their spouse. Just like cheating. That kind of possessive and manipulative behaviour is a deal breaker (for me, just so we're clear 😄), just as much as cheating is (for me). So yes, they're as bad as each other (in my personal opinion... can I stop explaining that now?) They should get therapy or end their marriage. Who would want to be with someone that spiteful anyway? Who would want to be with a cheater? Doomed unless they seek help for their behaviours.

It’s not cheating to me,but he has a desire to cheat.he feels something is lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed

I hate to break it to you, and I'm extremely surprised that you need it broken to you, but some people are just cheaters. There is nothing lacking in their relationship other thB that they are bored with monogamy.

Lots of people get bored fucking the same person/just one person; the decent ones put up with it or end the relationship (usually put up with it if kids are involved), the not decent ones cheat.

This incident isn't cheating, but it is a betrayal of trust. Doesn't mean he has or hasn't cheated previously. It's just a snapshot in time.

But dragging the rest of his family into it and trying to shame him on a family chat isn't great on your part either.

No one would say that would be fine but they would say you didn’t steal anything. They’d say it was a betrayal & the intent to steal was there, which is just as bad, however in your example nothing was stolen & in her story there was no actual cheating. He betrayed her & he would have cheated given the opportunity, however he didn’t cheat, he planned to cheat which is just as bad

All the stiff upper lipped English people appalled at her posting to the family chat. They're Italian, different rules apply. Not everyone is into quiet stoicism.

I wouldn’t call it cheating but I wouldn’t be happy either. How do you know he hadn’t done it before? I often think those that are highly critical of cheaters etc sometimes are themselves. I wouldn’t have involved his family it was between the 2 of you.

He hasn't cheated although what he has done is unacceptable.
But you have also acted very childish putting it on a group chat.

Indeed.

It’s not cheating HOWEVER it a betrayal & he would have cheated if she’d have agreed to it. It didn’t happen because she didn’t respond not because he couldn’t go through with it so even though it’s not technically cheating I couldn’t move past the fact he wanted to & he would have if she would have.

i wouldn’t have posted the screenshot to the family chat though, not until I’d gotten my ducks in a row so to speak & decided what I was going to do. All that’s happened now is that they’ve been brought into the family drama before anything has been resolved between you one way or another so it might make everything more complex moving forward

Some men just cheat. Don't make out that it's the OP's fault.

oH THAT would break your heart. You want to respect him, and now, even if you can forgive him, how can you respect him. He went LOOKING to cheat. It's not even like he grew close to somebody at work or through his hobby. He sent unsolicited messages to women (plural, no doubt) to chat.

Posting it in family whatsapp a bit cringe but still, I would be very turned off in your shoes.

Proper order.

There'd a whole lot less messing around by men - including sex industry use - if their families knew what they were at. Why should women swallow all the pain and distress , cover for them, and let everyone think they're great family men when they are not.

Of course it’s cheating!

If I went to steal money from my best friends purse when she left the room and to my dismay the purse was empty, I highly doubt anyone would say what I did was absolutely fine because technically no money went missing.

Good grief.

Having affairs is also a huge part of Italian culture. By say this from having a big Italian family. That doesn't make it okay

Hes Italian family will of been absolutely mortified to recieve those screenshots culturally private/none dirty laundry airing/none public shaming types of people.... Mt grandparents was married 70 years any cross words wouid be exchanged at the end of the garden lol.

you're possessive and have issues for checking his messages

She's hardly possessive for looking at his messages twice in a decade.

And this time it was because of some link in Instagram that made her curious.

(Also it's not possessive to check something due to your instincts ....which proved correct, because he was propositioning at least one Instagram model (who may also possibly be a sex worker).

Im sorry you sent this to a FAMILY GROUP CHAT??

I do think its cheating.... its definitely a betray of you're relationship.

I would not have sent a screen shot tp hid family.... I understand you're hurt but it also makes you're relationship public... people can't move on so easily when couple have done.

I think your hurt and things are raw and acute.

My advise is

1. Talk to your friends and family you can trust one to one
2. Take time... you're feels will evolve
3. marriage counselling

I think however you proceed in the future ...make sure its clear to you.

It’s not cheating to me,but he has a desire to cheat.he feels something is lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed.i would not be happy either.but ye both have an opportunity to discuss and make changes now..I do find it strange you sent message to family.

Wise money is on the likelihood that even if he hasn't successfully got his end away this time, he has in the past, or would given half a chance. OP, ignore the idiots berating you for being upset. As if they would talk calmly and sweetly to their DH if they found him messaging other women!

(I'd ask for this thread to be moved into Relationships because AIBU is a nest of vipers who enjoy tearing the OP apart.)

Both as bad as each other.

I missed the bit where op told a male fitness model/escort she'd like to meet him.

Could you point me to that bit?

The problem is this is first time you know about. How do you know he hasn't been successful in meeting someone before now? A couple of days ago you didn't think he was capable of this and now you know different.
Once that trust is broken you are never quite the same after because you now see what he is capable of. I'm sorry OP.

Your marriage, you get to decide what’s acceptable. For me, this would not be acceptable as it’s an erosion of trust. Once the trust is gone the relationship is doomed imo. Don’t act rashly; think through but it’s fine for this to be your dealbreaker.

That's a point the question he asked is suspicious "I would like to meet you." You wouldn't say that to a random person unless you wanted something. She could be ab escort selling her services.