25 year old making his own tea

Dear child
Please let me know in the morning if you would like to eat as a family that night. If I don't hear from you then I will presume you will be sorting yourself out.
Out of the family days please volunteer to prepare cook and seve at least one meal per week.
Thanks mum.
And stick to it

I'm 41 and my mum would never not make me a meal or be this picky over it. How hard is it to make it for 3. If he's not there then surely it can be eaten the next day?

I voted YABU because you have not once communicated anything to him about meals. He naturally, is assuming it is standard operating procedures from when he last lived at home.

No need to go in “guns blazing”- the irritation is your fault for not having the conversation when he first moved back.

I don't think you're unreasonable BUT I do think it's probably a slightly awkward situation for him too if he moved out and back in. It's somewhat infantalising to have to move back in with parents after leaving apparently permanently I suspect. What was the arrangement before he left home? Did he leave relatively young at a time when you all generally ate together?

My eldest is only nearly 19 and I have two other teenagers - I like us to eat together as far as possible still and we have an explicitly stated rule (which everyone including parents and boy/ girlfriends follow) that whoever is in at meal times comes to the table for the meal. It's kind of the opposite of wanting people to cook for themselves although all the kids are capable of cooking a meal.

I can imagine that if my eldest moved out in a year and had to move back in in six years time, when her siblings would also be adults and potentially have moved out, we'd need to explicitly sort out a house-mate arrangement whereby either we cooked on a rota or we lived and cooked as a couple with her fending for herself as an independent lodger. I'm not sure it'd be immediately obvious to a returning adult offspring that their parents wouldn't want to eat together if they previously did.

Sometimes my eldest and her boyfriend cook elaborate meals just for themselves if they're going to be out at family meal time and it can sometimes be just as annoying to have someone else in the kitchen cooking just when you want to get started with your own cooking, just like in a house share - so it may be a case of be careful what you wish for!

I don't get this. My kids all live at home. I have an adult child with us. When we cook dinner/meals it's for the whole family to eat/enjoy.

Cannot you just tell your DS: "Let me know by 3/4/7 pm about dinner so I know if you want some and I can cook enough."?

He should be able to make something for himself but think it is reasonable to expect that family will eat the same meal together.
I would ask my DCs just to make sure they don't feel excluded.

Surely you just all need do is have a chat on, whatever day you do the shopping, and decide who’s doing / eating / cooking what that week. It’s not hard.

"Go in all guns blazing"

Yes, YABU - you haven't even had a conversation with him about expectations.

"Should he contribute"

YANBU - of course he should.

3 adults in the house, I would only expect to be cooking one day in three.
Whether you do that on a rota basis, or people just volunteering for different days - whatever suits you.
But, as a pp said, if you are cooking a roast / lasagne / cottage pie / curry / chilli / casserole / etc, it makes no difference if it is for 2 or 3 (or 6 to save other portions). If your dc isn't in, they can heat it through when you are ready.

He sounds a baby bird and weasel. Tell him he needs to be independent and cook his own dinner.

I've been watching the fledglings in my garden all week as they follow their parents around demanding food so I enjoyed your OP.

Just tell him nicely that he's an adult now and he's in charge of dinner two nights a week.

Yeah I mean I’m going to say it; there’s a housing crisis and a cost of living crisis. If my son ever needed to come home, I’ll take him in with open arms. It’s tough out there.

If I'm cooking at home, I cook enough for everyone who lives at home. Just talk to him, my 21 year old when he cooks a dinner will cook enough for our whole family, I wouldn't think to just cook 'for one of us' or just my husband and I, even if they weren't home I would just leave them leftovers.

Another reason why once you get to your mid 20s living at home with Mummy and Daddy doesn’t work.

When I was about that age, me and XH moved into my parents house. DB hadn’t moved out yet. We all had an in/out list for dinner and every adult in the house had to cook at least one dinner a week. Sunday roast we all helped peel etc.

But setting that up required an adult conversation about sharing the load.

I have a 19 yo son who lives with us, and we never know if he's in for tea or not, so I agree it's annoying.

I've adopted a system where I tend to text him about 4.30pm to say, 'Do you want tea tonight?' and if I get no answer in the next hour I don't include him when I start cooking and he'll have to fix his own or get a takeaway.

I don’t really get the argument that it’s mean or stingy not to cook for every member of the household every night rather than establishing in advance whether they’ll be in or not. Given that you could save money on food shopping, save a bit of time on preparing it and probably save the excess food from being wastefully chucked away.

I'd do joint meals with him taking turns personally. That's if you judge him capable of that.

It's not really much extra work to cook 3 portions rather than 2, but he should let you know if he'll be there in good time.

What's your reason for not cooking enough for three?

He should be contributing but IMO it seems really petty to only cook enough for you and your husband.

He just needs to tell you 24 hours in advance if he wants to eat with you. No meal with no confirmation. He will quickly learn

I just ask my ds if he’s going to be in and wants dinner, and / or he tells me his plans. End of story.

When my husband and I moved back into my parents house while we were saving for a deposit recently, we just had communication about meal times. Sometimes my mum would say that she was cooking XYZ and ask if we wanted some too. Other times we wanted to cook and we’d cook for everyone. IDK, just better communication needed I think. It also depends on how much you did when your child was younger too. Did you always cook every meal? If so, sorry but you made a rod for your own back.

This man sounds very entitled. Who the hell raised him?

This. Also I wouldn’t dream of just cooking for me and my oh and leaving my children out, no matter what age they are. How utterly miserly. If I’m making dinner then everyone in the house gets fed. Though that works for everyone, if even my 13yo is sticking some tuna and sweetcorn pasta or something on, then she will check with the whole house from the adults to the younger siblings if they want any. I don’t get the ‘some meals are for 2’ bit? Surely just buy more? If it’s a money issue then I’d just say ‘you need to give me x amount towards dinners this week for your portion’.

A lot of things come in twos. And it's wasteful to make 3 portions if only two are required.