25 year old making his own tea

When my DD moved back in her twenties after a relationship break up, she suggested that the default be that she cooked for herself, so that she didn't have to worry what time she got in etc (the move made her commute much longer). But we still ate together at weekends, or if it was clear that we'd both be home, or of one was cooking something they knew the other would enjoy.

She also did her own food shopping, but would also buy some shared stuff to contribute.

I would take the same approach as I do with my DDs age 18 and 15. Are Mesdames dining in the hotel this evening?

@Notimeforaname - basically what they said

Of course you're being unreasonable and faintly ridiculous.

Try talking to your son before venting frustration anywhere.- even Mumsnet.

At 25 he’s old enough to cook for himself and others. I was cooking for the family as a teen as both my parents worked and were shift workers. What’s he been doing? Does he do anything around the house?

This is what we do. We ask him in the morning, and he happily makes his own food otherwise. Or we just make an extra plate he can heat up later or someone else will have it for lunch the day after.

But he always without fail says thank you for the food it was really nice, no matter how simple the food is.

Once I hit adulthood my mum brought in the rule if I didn't tell her I'd be home for dinner then there wouldn't be any ready. There would always be crappy food available like tins, supernoodles, bread and stuff for sandwiches etc. As well as easy stuff i could cook. She would ask me every day (including calling or texting me when i was out) so she was nice enough in realising that sometimes I might forget to tell her so she'd give me a chance to reply etc. But if I ignored her or said I was out (but plans changed and i ended up being home) she wouldn't make me anything.
I think it's a fair rule. Why should food potentially be wasted regularly because am adult can't let someone know he'll be home or not or can't make his own food.
He won't starve. Just have lots of tins in our dried packet crap so if he's home and hungry and you didn't make anything is easy enough to heat up some hoops on toast. No its not ideal. But it might encourage him to tell you in future or start making nicer stuff for himself in the long run!

It's not just about food, it's about time and effort. Which is why your son should take his turn with the cooking (including the planning and the shopping for anything that isn't already in the house).

My kids, 9 & 10, make dinner for everyone one night a week.
Set some rules.

As soon as my DD (20) started working full time I informed her that she would need to cook her own dinners Monday - Friday and let me know if she wanted dinner Saturday and Sunday. I often work long hours and this arrangement works better for both of us as DD often makes plans last minute and also hops from diet to diet so can be difficult to cater for. Typically she will hang around for a Sunday roast and a takeaway (a couple of times per month) but other than that she cooks for herself or for her and her boyfriend. After a couple of years of this, she's a confident cook which I'm pleased about. If she is home and I have enough for both of us, I'll ask if she wants it but it's not expected. She buys her own food and we both pick up non-meal foods like bread, butter, milk as and when we need it (I tend to pay for this but she'd never ask me to). Perhaps if we were a larger family I'd do it differently but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to inform him that you will no longer cook for him and he will need to fund his own food (unless it's included in his board).

I still don't understand why she doesn't just do what she wants and tell her son to find his own food.
He's hardly committed the crime of the century

Just speak to him and ask him to tell you early each day whether he wants to eat with you or not. And ask him to cook a couple of times a week. Sometimes young adults need prompts to take up the reins of a more adult relationship with their parents at home.

Communication is the key... but it's not always that easy!
My adult dd lives with us, is supposed to cook for us all 2 nights a week but is often out. It's quite frustrating at times as she doesn't pull her weight enough. Add in major dietary issues - she is gluten free and fussy - it complicates things. I feel your pain OP but it's not always as straightforward as people think.

Thinking about things we eat - stuff like pasta or risotto is fine left over but something like salmon wouldn't.

Quite so - the op said 'I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two'- we do more nice dinners for two now DD has left home, with more expensive ingredients and they're often not the sort of thing you'd want to make 3 portions of on spec.

I'd be expecting him to cook for the family too. Give you a night off cooking

My DS tells us if he'll be out and have dinner out...

I think it depends a lot on the sort of thing you eat.

Thinking about things we eat - stuff like pasta or risotto is fine left over but something like salmon wouldn't.

Some people on this thread must be a lot fonder of leftovers than others.

How very judgemental. Many young people have no choice. It works perfectly well for me and my disabled DD27. And she feeds herself every day as we eat very differently.

He might find it liberating to just cook for himself, then he’s free to come and go as he pleases.
He might resent being tied to the kitchen, but what price his ‘freedom’? Cooking for himself, that’s the price.

Surely with an adult man, you decide how the catering in your home works. You and your DH clearly have a system and your DS needs to decide how to be part of that. Do not just cater for him without him contributing by cooking too. If he doesn’t want to join in, then he must do all his own cooking. Treat him like an adult, any future partner will thank you!

Why would it be wasted? Fridges exist

Flip it around, how is the OP supposed to know when her adult son is going to be home, should she make food and waste it just in case ?

YABVVU to be so irrationally annoyed if you haven't set any expectations and this is the only issue. You call him a 'baby bird' waiting to be fed. You want to go in with all guns blazing. Why so much animosity?
My mum for example is a feeder and wouldn't even dream of letting anybody else cook, she loves it. Bills, cleaning, laundry etc but I'd actually offend her by even raising the idea of getting my own food. And if there's extra well it just goes in the fridge she's not in the habit of portioning food out so surgically anyway.

However - however - if the issue is his lack of consideration, e.g.. not informing you whether he'll be home for dinner, if he knows he should do so. And a general lack of pulling his weight in other areas. YANBU I can see why this is somewhat of the straw that broke the camel's back.

Of course it’s reasonable to have this conversation.

I remember moving home after a few years away. I automatically went back to “kid”. My mum had to point out that this arrangement was not going to be the same as it was when I was at school. Which was perfectly reasonable, it’s just not necessarily how you’re thinking about it as a young adult moving back in to the family home. That’s a two way street - expect him to act as an adult and treat him as an adult.