Turning up to venue uninvited…Why?

I don't necessarily think it was a nice thing to do, to turn up, but, OP, obviously you've never been on the receiving end of being excluded from important celebrations. It freaking hurts and is humiliating.

I was excluded from a 21st by my cousin's entitled niece (not the only person). I admit I felt a bit of karma when it ended up in her parents garage, under flouro lights, because it rained & her lovely backyard setup was ruined. I'm usually supportive, but so hurt.

My SIL also pulled your friend's stunt for her wedding because she wanted an expensive, fancy venue. 12 years on & most of her extended family still don't speak to her.

You make choices, you pay the consequences. It might be the era of 'invite who you want, it's your party' but people have feelings. A Christening exclusion of family is pretty bad.

They didn't go. They went out for lunch in a hotel. There were lots of other patrons there too who weren't at her party. She didn't have exclusive use of the hotel for the day.

This. I'd be utterly embarrassed by her behaviour and I'd distance myself from someone who is as narcissistic and calculated as this. She'd be an acquaintance at best.

I'd be cringing too. If you aren't invited then you don't go.

You keep using the word "humiliating". Thinking they must have been humiliated. They weren't. It's not for you to decide when someone else should feel humiliation. The family were making a very public point. A point their spouses and in-laws would have known was going to happen and did not discourage them. Your friend chose a public space to have an exclusive party. She didn't bargain on the people she excluded deciding to have their own get-together on the same day in the same place.

I think she/you banked on them being humiliated and staying away. Instead they went out to a lovely hotel and had their own meal. The only people upset by their presence were you/the host.

I understand being upset at being left out. I get that but I still see it as ruder and humiliating turning up where you haven’t been invited.

I don't see it as ruder than your morally bankrupt friend's behaviour.

At worst, I see it as them saying, "you can pretend I'm not part of this child's family, you can treat me like I don't exist, you can divide me and my child/ren from my spouse/their parent but at the end of the day I'm a sovereign human being, it's a public restaurant, and I can spend today however I like and you'll just have to accept that. You made it awkward for this family, I'm not going to play the game for you."

She doesn't appear to have a Christian bone in her body. She didn't want to have the child's family there. What exactly was the Christening for other than to get gifts and use it as an opportunity to bully people and divide families. I don't think it's them that are the humiliated party and I don't think it's them that come out of it as the nastier party here, honestly.

That being said, I also think it may have been more convenient for some spouses and kids to stick around for lifts for drinkers, babies needing fed etc. Or maybe they just fancied a nice roast somewhere the food was good and didn't feel the need to consider the feelings of someone who didn't give theirs a second thought?

Just because you'd go and lick your wounds in private, it doesn't mean that everyone is obliged to.

Poor planning and hosting on your friend's part. If you're going to have a super-exclusionary, family-drama-inducing guestlist, it's tactically advisable to host in a private space (eg a function room) rather than a public venue where The Uninvited can intrude anyway.

There are many reasons why people might have chosen to be at the venue at the same time as the event, very few of which are embarrassing for them. Rather than fretting over the potential sources of drama, why not just accept that different people will behave in different ways for different reasons, and move on so you all can enjoy the new baby.

For someone who's Ahem! not the host, you're coming across as incredibly involved and defensive OP.

Well put. All those are bad reasons.

@SweetSouberry

You need to think bigger picture here.
I bet there will be a whole list of stuff that your mate has put upon her family to make them feel 'less than.'
I bet this NFI (not fucking invited) situation is the straw that broke the camels back and they decided to rebel.

I don't understand how you can't see how rude your friend has been to her family. Really fucking obnoxious actually.

They were pissed off they weren't invited.

They WANTED to spoil her day.

They DELIBERATELY turned up at exactly the same time to piss her off.

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to understand?! People think differently to you?! They don't sulk, they take revenge.

Totally weird and passive aggressive turning up like that. I'm guessing friend p'eed off lots of family doing it her way - no excuse though.

"she wanted an event that required no planning. She literally had coffee with the Maitre D who then organised everything plus cake. "
Then she could have just told the Maitre D' a bigger number, when they asked how many guests. But she didn't.
So she either didn't invite them because she didn't want them there. Or she didn't invite them because money was an issue, and she prioritised having a fancy-venue over making everyone feel included. Or she didn't invite them because she had the money, but is too tight to spend it on extended family.
All three of those reasons are quite hurtful, if you've been treating someone like family and then they exclude you. The extended family that showed up uninvited were just highlighting this. She shouldn't expect many offers of babysitting in the near future.

I get that but I still see it as ruder and humiliating turning up where you haven’t been invited
Yes, but most people don't. Most people, on here at least, see your friend's actions as ruder. So you might not accept that but surely you can now understand their thought process

In 10-15 years time, I wonder if OP will have a closer relationship with the child than the aunts and cousins who weren't invited.

She only has herself to blame then.
You can't play these power games and chop up family and turn away from etiquette and be surprised to receive backlash.

11 pages of pople telling you all the reasons why The Uninvited rocked up anyway, and you're still saying you don't understand. Your friend was a rude cow, made a very public declaration via her guest list which family members she values and which ones she doesn't (and these people are all family), and tries to justify it with her bullshit excuse about not wanting to have to do any work, when it would have only needed more money (which you say she isn't short of). They were shaming her, so that the memory of her humiliation sticks with her next time she thinks about being so rude to her family.

Why wouldn’t you just go about your own business at home or go out somewhere else? Why turn up at the exact same venue with kids

Because you are the aunt and your kids are the cousins of the baby being christened.

This is not a case of someone's husband being invited to a colleague's neighbour's uncle's mates party and them kicking off at the invitation not being extended to them. This is their niece's/cousin's christening.

They didn't need an invite, it's a public place.

Your friends own parents initially refused to attend, she's got it all wrong and ruined the day.

I love the concept of "The Uninvited" - it reminds me of that wonderful French series "Les Revenants" - The Returned.

Well firstly I disagree with christenings! Let your child make a choice for themselves

But if you must have one!!! I thought the whole idea was a family celebration, not cutting people out

OP, you're dramatically underselling how rude your friend was not to invite spouses of close family members to what is traditionally a family event. If she wanted it to be smaller she should have stuck to inviting her husband and godparents only. To be perfectly honest I don't believe this was done innocently by your friend, it sounds like she was making a point or demonstrating control.

I don't know that I would have done what these family members did (they were obviously pointing out how rude she was being instead of letting everyone pretend it hadn't happened), but your friend should have expected long-lasting changes to family relationships from this.

She didn't just want a day to enjoy or she would have booked a cheaper hall and catering she wanted to be posh

Unless they paid for the entire venue to be a ticketed only event, with security checking invites on the doors, I fail to understand how you could stop people from choosing to book tables in the restaurant at the same time as the other party.
If there is some sort of animosity it would seem an odd choice to want to be close to the people you've fallen out with.
All this talk of controversial decisions to host lunches etc makes it sound like you don't like eachother very much and should do minimal contact.