Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unflip

1 2 3

Original poster

Found Viagra in husbands jeans

61 replies

Anon242308 · 14/07/2024 17:24

Looking for some advice. My husband went out with friends last night and when I was putting his clothes in the wash, a packet of viagra fell out his pocket with one tablet missing from pack. He has since admitted that he went to the strip club and paid for private dances. He also admitted to buying cocaine for the night out. He swears that nothing happened other than a girl danced over him. I can't understand why then he'd need the viagra and why he had it out with him in his pocket and has obviously used one. He had the viagra delivered to our house the same day before he went out and it came in a box. We have 3 kids together and I thought we were happy. I packed his stuff and threw him out. We've also been struggling financially lately and I can't believe he's wasted money on drugs and strippers. I don't know what to think but what he's saying just doesn't add up. He said he bought the viagra for us for when he got home as apparently its difficult to get an erection when you have been taking cocaine. 1. We've never needed it before for our sex life. And 2. He knew I'd be in bed asleep by the time he got home. Would It be unreasonable to end this relationship? I feel humiliated and I don't think I could trust him again. He didn't come clean right away either, tried to say the viagra was not that and some other tablet but told him I knew what it was and showed him google results for name so he had no option but to tell (what I think) is now the truth. AIBU to end this relationship. I don't want to stay together just for the kids but at this point that's all it would be as I'm so disgusted by his behaviour and dont think I could ever trust him again. Also makes me question every night out he's been on now.

OP posts:

wrped · 15/07/2024 10:02

time to leave

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 15/07/2024 09:48

The cocaine use would be enough to sling him out for me tbh. I know you have a life and kids together but it’ll be easier to cut your losses now. I’m sorry this has happened to you, some people are just not right.

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/07/2024 09:38

How are you doing op?

itsmylife7 · 14/07/2024 19:08

Probably been spending money regularly on coke.

what an arsehole he is OP.

shanus · 14/07/2024 19:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Happygogoat · 14/07/2024 19:08

YANBU to end it OP. It sounds more like he’s used a sex worker for full sex and it might not be the first time - can you confide in someone and go to an STI clinic this week?

The spending money on cocaine and lap dances would potentially be the end for me anyway but viagra is a huge red flag. Why would be need an erection for a lap dance?

Do you have access to accounts/can he show you that “all” he paid for was a dance in a venue, and account for how he even knows how to get cocaine and how much it was? If you are otherwise happy I would potentirely consider discussing on the basis he sought therapy. But if he can’t make everyrhing add up I think you need to assume the worst :(

VJBR · 14/07/2024 19:00

Stay strong. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

VeryQuaintIrene · 14/07/2024 18:54

He probably can't budget because he's spending his money on cocaine and strippers. I hope you extricate yourself soon.

TheHuntSyndicate · 14/07/2024 18:53

Please stay strong. See yourself as sailing through a storm where you're going to navigate troubled waters and bad weather hitting your from all sides.

But you will come out the other side and the water will be calm and the sun will be shining.

This - 'He said he paid for a private dance from a girl,' - that is not acceptable for a husband and father and the money spent on a random woman shaking her buttocks and breasts in his face could have been spent on his children's school uniform/ instead of you scrabbling around to make ends meet and provide for your children.

He wants the single life, well now he's got it.

Original poster

Anon242308 · 14/07/2024 18:46

Thanks all, I knew I had done the right thing just needed to hear it from other peoples point of view. He's good at gaslighting me into thinking I overreact about things. He said he paid for a private dance from a girl, that's all I can get out of him. Now says the viagra was for us when he got home which is bullshit as I work nights and had a 12 hour shift on the Friday with little sleep so he knew I'd have gone to bed early. There's no logical explanation for the viagra. We've been struggling financially as he can't seem to budget his money (works full time, has a respectable income) so I've had to buy all the kids uniform for going back to school, as well as carry him financially when he runs out of money. There's been a situation in the past where I found messages between him and a work colleague, didnt come home some nights and said he kipped on a friends sofa,but never had solid evidence of an affair so gave him the benefit of the doubt. It took us so long to get back to a place where I trusted him and now this. My main concern are my children right now so I'm going to concentrate on them. I will work out something with him regarding seeing the kids once I've calmed down.

OP posts:

swimlyn · 14/07/2024 18:27

"He's not going to ever be husband or father of the year is he? You're a housekeeper and care giver to his children. That's all."

This sums it up very well.

There ARE decent men out there, honestly.

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 14/07/2024 18:22

Well I don't blame you for questioning every night out he has had. This won't be the first time he's used drugs and paid for sex.
Is the reason you've been struggling for money because he's been spending it on cocaine and sex workers?
Horrible for you OP but I don't see how you can get past this. This is the type of person he is and you deserve much much better than him.

isthesolution · 14/07/2024 18:02

I'd definitely be ending my marriage. My husband wouldn't be who I thought he was - taking drugs, going to strip clubs and paying for dances /whatever. Also the viagra was ordered and bought in advance - why?

I'm so sorry but yes it would be the end for me - I'd never be able to trust him again.

Fireplacewatcher · 14/07/2024 17:55

He has likely admitted enough that he feels is credible to get you to believe him and omitted much more.

Well done for kicking his arse out. Follow your gut. You know the truth. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing him.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you though and sending you lots of 💐 to support you through this tough time.

DanielGault · 14/07/2024 17:52

He's treating you like you're a complete idiot who'll swallow any old shite he comes out with. No respect for you there.

HebburnPokemon · 14/07/2024 17:52

What a catch.

OP have some self respect and LTB

WeeOrcadian · 14/07/2024 17:51

Well, it doesn't look good

Good for you for kicking his arse out

heathspeedwell · 14/07/2024 17:50

If there's one single thing that I have learned from Mumsnet, it's that what men admit to at first is nearly always just the very tip of the iceberg. So if he says lap dance then it was probably sex.

You have been very brave OP. Keep it up, you deserve better than this liar. Don't let him treat you like a fool.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 14/07/2024 17:49

Yeah I think this is a fair line to draw… strippers coke and viagra. If that doesn’t do it then what will.

Barryplopper · 14/07/2024 17:44

I have a friend that was with a cocaine user, they split up because he had started using heavily and would book escorts, also a user of viagra...

Didimum · 14/07/2024 17:43

All lies. Obvious lies at that. Leave him. Good luck to you x

cheddercherry · 14/07/2024 17:42

He’s obviously done both before to know that he’s need it that time. I don’t know why you’d need an erection for a public place if it’s just a dance in view of everyone so I would assume he’d done more privately. I’d obviously not trust a word that came out his mouth either way and no, I’d never want him to touch me again. Any embarrassment is his, you’ve done nothing wrong in wanting rid.

TheHuntSyndicate · 14/07/2024 17:42

Lies, takes drugs, goes to strip clubs and buys viagra.

He's not going to ever be husband or father of the year is he?

You're a housekeeper and care giver to his children. That's all.

Please don't take him back, you deserve so much more than this dirty pig of a man.

User284732 · 14/07/2024 17:35

I'd assume he saw a sex worker, because taking Viagra for a strip club would mean embarrassing and unwanted public erection. I think the cocaine is a cover for money going missing for a sex worker. I wouldn't forgive it either. Can you check his Google location history to see where he went? I'm so sorry OP.

cupcaske123 · 14/07/2024 17:34

If he's not regularly using cocaine and having sex, how does he know to get the Viagra? Get an sti check.

Unflip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread