Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

Adopting a child at 13 - That’s a really selfless thing-
Anybody being adopted at 13 will have has an absolutely dreadful past life.

Lucky are those children who have two stable parents, untrammelled by early losses and trauma.

Adoptive parents do a wonderful job.

Our old neighbours used to do foster care for teens- A very calm and no nonsense couple.
They had also adopted children.

I truly feel your pain. My Dd was a stubborn, angry disobedient, venomous nightmare from 13-15. I was always the recipient of her wrath. Would not discuss issues, flew off handle at bugger all.

We sometimes fought like commandoes - screaming matches the neighbours must’ve heard, broke my temper utterly. I did not cave on some issues - remember my sister telling me to pick my battles and let some stuff go, but at times thought I would be up on a GBH or murder charge. Terrible. Was definitely worse pre-period, pattern was clear. Did have spell of disordered eating. Was lucky the nurse at local surgery wss great. Weighed her and explained she was right at the bottom of the acceptable range. Told her (and me) the deal was she would lose no more weight and I would not nag/grill her about food. Returned in a month for another assessment. Nipped it right in the bud. The nurse had an anorexic child so had a great handle on it and how anxious parents get and how it can become the only focus.

If it’s any comfort 16 showed a marked improvement. Now quite nice to be around! Can have fun with her and a giggle, will share what’s happening in her life with me again. Don’t get me wrong, still moments of horrid teen but nothing like as intense or frequent. Just hold your nerve, don’t take it personally. She doesn’t really hate you any more than you hate her. Don’t beat yourself up about wanting to lob her off a high rise.

Periods turned me into a monster at times of the month as a teen. Diagnosed as adult with pmdd. Really wish I had sertraline as a teen. I would have been so much happier

This spoke to me. I cannot stand my mother touching me. She’d touch me/ stroke me (affectionately) out of the blue and makes me feel violated and repulsed. Why is it so hard to just not do it??

@F11 I noticed you said she's restricting food.
My dd did this and was diagnosed with anorexia by CAMHS. Obviously I'm not saying your dd has anorexia but it turned my dd into another person, the pure venom that came out of her mouth but it helped to know it was the ED talking and not her.
She's 16 now and in recovery and on the whole a much nicer person

You know what? That's great. Deep down she knows.
She knows you love her, even though she's in turmoil. That's very positive. Help with the ED will make a difference.
You've not been a bad parent.

Tbh whether or not she is ND or not is irrelevant atm. She may need to be treated as though she does right now.

How much is she eating in a day? Calories I mean and does this include protein, carbs and fats.

F11 · Today 16:42
I try to encourage her to see friends and she does have them, she's told me she doesn't reply to their messages for two weeks so not sure how long she will keep them which is sad

This and your comment about her isolating herself is making me think that this may not just be teenage crap.
I cannot advise, I adopted my son when he was 13, and it was a whole different story, but I think your daughter sounds unwell.

This is tough. She will come back to you.
I'm inclined to think there's been some sort of social media issue, some of it really is toxic, especially for young girls.
CAMHS is a good step, they will help. There's also almost certainly a local support group, but I don't know if she'll engage. In the meantime, let her eat what she wants without comment.
It's heartbreaking, but it's almost certainly very temporary. Just try to be strong and make sure that you take time out to look after yourself.
💐

Exactly, which is why going out an ED thread would be useful. Now that dd is eating more, her ED therapist is starting to address the attitude to me. On 400-500 calories, there was no chance. And losing your shit is exactly what an ED wants because while you’re losing your shit, it’s winning, drawing the sufferer further into their shell.

If she’s restricting, I have been told by CAHMS people can’t be diagnosed until nutritionally replete as the readings will be false. But I totally agree this sounds like potential ASD. I thought my dd had ARFID in the beginning. I have now learned that lots of people with ASD and diagnosed with anorexia also have issues with textures and restrictions around what foods they will eat. I have never fed dd foods she won’t eat as she would have fought to the death against me. ARFID is treatable more simply. Anorexia is a mental illness. My dd didn’t set out to lose weight. But she enjoyed the positive feelings she got from weight loss and then wanted to continue losing weight even when it is clear to everyone that she’s severely malnourished.

You poor thing. Sounds horrible and upsetting. How old is she and what is her social media use like? I’ve heard of teenage girls who’ve come off social media and been much happier as a result

OP- ask the school nurse to make a referral to the eating disorder service- their waiting lists are much shorter than the wait for CAMHS and you will feel as though you are doing something in the meantime.

No advice on the vitriol- Eldest had periods of vile behaviour from 13 onwards and is still difficult to be around as an adult. Youngest is the polar opposite. Some of it really is down to personality.

I was a horrible teen. But my mother was both overbearingly authoritative and couldn’t have given a shit about getting to know me as an emerging adult or showing any interest in my life. I was angry and lonely. I rejected every single one of her attempts at mothering either loving or boundaries because to me she had forfeited the right because of what I saw at the time as abandonment.

So many people on these boards talk about ‘teens’ like some Kevin and Perry stereotype that needs to be stomped on but they forget to love them and treat them as human beings. Yes, dumb, immature, irrational and over emotional at times but still your kids. Love and nurture them as much as you did when they were toddlers.

Thank you. I wish you and your ds well too. My DD’s BP was 52-54 down from 62 at Easter (when her friends fed her up after a 4/4.5kg loss in 2 weeks). She’s doing ok now. But as you say, a long road ahead.

Idk what you mean by Nat 5 age btw.

And just give her money to go and buy what she wants.

OP it sounds like your DD is on the spectrum too. Just because it doesn't show in the way it did with DD1 doesn't mean to say it's not for DD2.

The restrictive eating, the isolating herself, it's very much a pattern there of autistic teenage girls.

I would break down in front of her. She needs to see you have emotions too and that you can be broken too.

She needs to see the impact of her behaviour on you. You are not your DM and your relationship with your DD is not the same. You are absolutely allowed to make this a little bit about you, some of the time. Not all of the time of course.But some of the time yes. it's important that you show her you're human and you have boundaries too.

Also, do you tell her you love her? Do you share with her the mistakes you've made?

She may also have AFRID which is often linked to ASD and means she finds textures, smells and colours hard in foods and she may have found food difficult all her life. Just allow her to get on with what she can eat and don't judge her harshly for what she can't or won't. Often it's not a choice for them, it's just how things are and there is sensory overload which makes eating what normal people eat, very difficult.

I would definitely be seeking an ASD diagnosis. She sounds like she's got very big self-esteem issues and you need to remind her every day what a great person she is, how much you love her, how you'll always be there for her and how you believe in her. The chances are she doesn't believe in herself very much and thinks she's a loser and that's where a lot of this comes from. Teenage girls, particularly these days are so very very fragile.

Find some podcasts about self-esteem and coaching and listen to them yourself. It will help guide you about how to bolster her self-esteem.

Why would you pussy foot around her? Maybe that’s why you’re in this position. You need to let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable.