Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

With my 2 daughters , one was more of a nightmare than the other. Struggled with fitting in with friendship groups and so brought the aggression home . She smashed things , stole things from her sister , alcohol from us , destroyed stuff in her bedroom etc .
Anything she broke belonging to anyone else got replaced . He sister had a lock put on her door , as did we , with all the alcohol inside . Her room had no mirrors , she had smashed them and eventually no door because she broke that ! Oh how she hated that !!! Her cd player , her phone , all eventually got broken , even her laptop . I told her I'd drive her to the library to do any homework!
Yes she hated me and her sister and father for a few months but she soon learnt ! Within a year , my sweet girl came back , learnt that her so called friends weren't that nice and that life was better when she was kinder .
This was a few years ago , she's now 33 , married , a mother with her own daughter and with an excellent career.
Who would have thought it ???🤷‍♀️

Make sure there is always food at 6pm then. I'd say that's imperative. If it means she eats properly then do it.

It may be a test of some sort, like if you love her enough. It's weird and bat-shit crazy but that's how they can think even without being aware of it. It won't last like this forever. Just try to enable the eating, whatever she wants to eat at whatever time.

Or allow her to eat whatever food she wants at 6pm by herself. It's much more important that she eats than you as a family stick to a routine.

Stop pandering - she thinks you are weak. Hold the line.
Mine was a nightmare 13-14.5 then just gave it up as she realised what she was missing. I made her eat and checked her phone thoroughly every day until she was 16 screenshotting anything I didn't like to discuss and replying to any unacceptable messages and blocking people. She was being groomed/bullied/harassed all the time. Her life was hell and she had no way to navigate it. Once she came to me and we could do it together her mental health improved and she is now a very strong resilient woman with a lovely partner.

You have to be strong, really fucking strong. I was repeatedly told to give in to her and pander but those parents are still dealing with MH issues in their young adult children.

What would you do if you woke up now and you were 12? Their world is HELL they have so much pressure. Try and show her there is light at the end of the tunnel.

No they aren’t. Some are, as some of any group are. I’m a teacher of teenagers so I’ve more than just my (lovely) DD to base this on. Most teenage girls - and boys - are very much not horrible.

Also re food issues both of mine had some issues. I was advised to prepare foods they like, and maybe add something they are less keen on. Blend fruits/veggies into sauces/drinks. No pressure to eat, don't clear plates immediately incase they go back to it. No bribery. Normalise sitting and eating as a family being a peaceful experience.

Eldest did have counselling. Younger one didn't want it. Both mid twenties now, don't have massively varied diets but definitely eat well enough.

Don't pussy foot around her, if she is being out of order tell her. She really can't expect the whole world to put up with her shit. If she can't be civil, make life hard. No money, no lifts just say no to everything and tell her why.

My daughter is only 7 and so far she has been the perfect child. My mum loves to remind me what a horrible teenager I was and how it can all change in the blink of an eye. I remember how horrible I was so I suppose I deserve a bit of kamar but I’m dreading it! You have my sympathies OP. My mum tells me I’m kind now so it doesn’t last!

Never underestimate how unhappy your teens may be. Those years are absolutely f-ing horrible for a lot of kids. They certainly were for me. The pressure to go out, be popular, achieve things, etc, is bad enough, but young people (especially young girls) are often horrible to each other as well. She might be on the receiving end of a lot of bitching and nastiness. Underneath all the attitude is often fear and pain, which they then take that out on their parents (after all, we brought them into the world, so it’s kind of our fault).

My eldest was vile from 11-18. She would tell me what a terrible parent I was and was so dismissive. I cried so much

Younger one was more 14-20 and was more rebellious/rudeness/pushing boundaries

I would ask them not to be rude/disobey, if that was ignored I'd give them a warning that if they continued they would lose their phone . If they still continued with the unwanted behaviour they lost their phone. Usually for about 4 hours (long enough to irritate but not so long they lose the incentive to behave.) Sometimes overnight.

Obviously this only worked until they were 17. Once they were adults I just tried to reason with them. Thankfully this also coincided with leaving for uni.

I didn't expect them to tidy their rooms but I did expect pots down. They were responsible for their own washing from about 15. One had to change all the beds, the other had to empty the bins and each had to take a turn with dishwasher.

I found the older one so much harder as it was much more personal (and not at all reflective of how I remembered her childhood) we get on good now but I'm still slightly wary of her.

I'm very close to youngest.

It appears she is creating rules such as the 6pm dinner time, no lunch and breakfast in secret. My dd has a lot of ED rules. Now my dd is eating twice a day rather than once, it’s no breakfast and no evening meal before 8pm.

Do be aware if your dd is eating in secret, she may not actually be eating the food at all, it may be being hidden in the bin / flushed away or she could be purging afterwards. I am not saying this is happening btw. Just to make you aware.

Albeit not recommended, I do allow (and I mean allow as for her safety she’s being treated like a 10, not 16yo) my dd to eat alone in her room but that is because she is definitely eating the food, not hiding it and 100% positively not purging (she has a medical condition, where her heart stops when she vomits). She is unable to eat in front of me atm and her ED therapist is aware of this.

FWIW I was the second DD and I will admit I was an absolute twat!
I don’t have much advice but know that I am a nice, well rounded person now.

My teen isn’t too bad fortunately but I do give her a lot of space and allow her to spend lots of time sleeping, gaming and being in her room.
Its not the healthiest but she’s not coming out the other side and I think all teens need that phase.

Your DD sounds like she’s going through her insecure phase, which they all do but some get it worse than others.

Let her have time away from people but encourage things like a daily walk, even if it’s quite late at night.

Help her do things like tidy her room.

If she’s rude then tell her that she’s acting rude but understand that she probably hates herself right now and thinks everyone hates her too, so be gentle with your words.

I promise she’ll come out the other side.

oakleaffy
Thank you, but I was far from selfless. He was the best thing in my life.

Try this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4910229-just-a-friendly-hand-hold-for-any-other-mums-of-teens-part-2?latest=1

Are you comparing them openly so they know you like one more than the other?

My dds teenage years were so bad I ended up under the domestic violence team.....I used to dread her coming home from school, I'd sit shaking getting more and more worked up. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD as a result as any sort of conflict makes me want to run and hide. I can't cope with it.

We have an OK relationship now shes an adult but extremely firm boundaries on my part as she'll still try to take out issues on me and thinks I can fix things for her when they go wrong. Basically she has to be a person that people want to be around if she wants to have family time.......having that conversation and a few holidays she missed out on because of her behaviour brought a lot of improvement.

Nobody is owed anything in life, that includes relationships with people.

It’s not your fault ,of course you’re going to give her food she’ll eat , you’re her mum you want her to survive (most of the time !!) Teenage girls can be so so awful , mine was hellish, take anything yours have done and add more, my son was a dream . I hated when the key went in the door , I was actually scared of her . I worked with young teenagers, I was good at my job. One day she just changed , she said she woke up and thought ‘why am I being so awful to my mum ?’ And bam , she’s my best friend and my biggest supporter as I am hers . It felt like forever . But it will get better I promise, hard as it is try not to take it personally. Good luck !!

You need this book -

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Skills-based-Caring-Loved-Eating-Disorder/dp/1138826634/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=31H231HNVWO23&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.eYFE5MxbhYEcCq9yMKwuxNbO4Pldg0BywbTawjCOpajYpSWsDUrAgoodQHArzMwFrYapxD6MkWTJq0PFcNC_kk8Y-A91_ErFfNUD-MwB3VcD1Kpz8Teh2AP7xaARC9dV_wPBaxjObAUOlJWI_bD7g9xMTLn0sA0WVN5qubfsmfLq5HIVSdgXIXRzF_N8qMQ2.2wgzPwX6sg5w_rwpuowUwabk12P4U5bDswq2dmESeKo&dib_tag=se&keywords=caring+for+a+loved+one+with+an+eating+disorder&qid=1720975705&sprefix=Caring+for%2Caps%2C331&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1

Sorry the link is so long. It’s the most helpful thing I read as a parent, through not always an easy read.

All the time she has the eating disorder that will be fuelling all her behaviours. It isn’t you or because of how she really feels about you, and it’s a nightmare situation to deal with. I’ve been there, both with anorexia myself, and as a parent of a teen with anorexia, and come out the other side. But it’s very, very hard as a parent. Even as a parent who knew every trick in the book because I’d had anorexia myself, it was still probably the most difficult parenting phase I’ve ever been through. Your DD will come back to you and she will be lovely again. Get every bit of support you can. Also look at the charity Beat. They have lots of support groups, including for parents.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Teenagers are hard but the eating will be at the root of a huge amount of it. It isn’t her fault; it’s an illness, and I found remembering that helped. Good luck with it all.

Your post sounds so similar to one from a few years ago where the NT daughter was suddenly struggling out of nowhere - similar friendship and eating issues and being utterly vile to mum. I’m sorry I can’t seem to find it but in that situation the daughter did turn out to be ND as well, and all the masking finally got to her.

2 daughters. 1 was testy but we have a great relationship now she's 24. Youngest is a little angel.

Op I do wonder if there is an asd element as she sounds like she is trying to control everything and if she can't control it she is in a state of anxiety
Food sounds like something she can control. Not all asd have food aversions. My asd teen is my best eater. He loves flavour and textures - hr is more of a sensory seeker. But he does need tea at 5pm or gets antsy
Iv found it normal that mine as teen - eat breakfast, skip lunch and then have dinner. The only meal I prep is dinner they fend for themselves the rest of the time

Op whilst you are waiting for CAMHS https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/
But also I second searching for ED services in your area or asking the school nursing service.Where I live we have First Steps an excellent early intervention nhs service for ED which aims to assess in 10 days and did exactly this with my other teen .You might have something similar.

My 16 soon to be 17 changed during his GCSEs, he went from a placid, polite, kind and thoughtful child to an entitled teen. I can’t do anything right unless he wants something from me. He has cut me out of everything 6th form and uni related. He insults me and puts me down and I feel like I am treading on eggshells around him. It feels like emotional abuse sometimes. I do call him out when it gets really bad but my husband is not supportive and tells me to ignore him.

Does anyone have any tips? Do I tell her she's an arsehole? Or keep pussy footing around her?
Loads of questions to think about.
When did it start going wrong? what changed? Did her friendship group change?
How do you try to connect with her?
I didn't have girls but I work with teen girls.
My advice would be not give up. Keep strong boundaries in place. Be consistent so she know where she stands with you. Make time for just her to do an activity with just you to rebuild. I found once I was out with one of the DS driving was when we managed to have meaningful conversations. There was no pressure to talk, Shazam would pick the music, and no eye contact was made so DS felt more comfortable to chat.

I have been pandering to her because she won't eat if I don't give her the food she will eat
I had this with DS1 (16 at this point) once when he was complaining 'there's nothing to eat' ( Note, there was.) In what was not my finest moment I told him to ' friggin; starve then, because there isn't a sign outside our house that says 'Jill's cafe' He retreated!! Might not work in your case but the point is, we are all human and sometimes we lose our vibe with teens. You are not a horrible mother by any stretch of the imagination.

They have to go away to come back and when she does, hopefully your relationship will have a strong mother and daughter bond.
Virtually all the girls I have worked with rebuild their relationships with their mothers.
Hang in there!

She won't eat if it isn't at 6?
I guess I'd do it at 6 then unless there's a reason you can't