Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

My parents weren’t great and TBH if I’d behaved badly as a teen I know they’d have kicked me out. I worked for SS for a short while and some teens did get kicked out for this; if she knew this was a threat would that change things? My LO is only 2 and I can’t imagine her being horrid but if she were I’d like to think I’d stand up to her

My dd was tricky around the age of 12 but since then she's been wonderful - typical teen, but certainly never hostile or venomous, so it's not a given.

We're just entering the tween phase with nearly 11 yo DS. I'd hoped we'd have at least another year but the mood swings have started and the anxiety etc etc. I feel for him though. He came into my bedroom the other night and said:

Ds1 "Mum, I think I know what's wrong with me"
Me. What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with you!?"
DS1. But, but, I think I've got ..........HORMONES!"

Then he burst into tears.

Aw, op, this is so horrible for you.

I had a son, so can’t really relate, but I was a teenager once and I hated my mum.

Im not really sure why. It wasn’t due to anything specific I can remember. Hormones probably.

But my mother was strict and I would never have acted out, because frankly I was terrified of her.

After I moved out, we got along a lot better and I love her to bits.

I do think boundaries are important. When mine was little, I was never their friend, but I was always there for them. I was strict(ish) with high expectations and what I said went, so my son more often than not followed instructions and he’s a great lad now, and I’m proud that he has a lot of self discipline.

So I’m a firm believer in boundaries, routine and expectations that are non-negotiable. I am completely against gentle parenting as I am also a teacher and can see the results of that disaster every day at school. I am strict in my classroom with high expectations and rules, and I find the children push back for a few lessons and then fall into line. Then we build a relationship based on mutual respect and then I hug them when they’re leaving and feel delighted when they tell me that I was their favourite teacher. Believe me, kids thrive in a structured environment with clear expectations and fair rules.

But whatever you do op, know that she’ll come back around at some point. Parenting is hard and none of us get it right all of the time. Trial and error.

I disagree , it's horrible heartbreaking and very upsetting but i think quite normal for teenagers of either sex to behave badly to their mom's every now and again-doesn't make it ok, equally i'm quite sure there are as many who would never dream of being horrible.
I have 2 older sons who looking back were quite easy ,i can't remember feeling hurt by their comments /behaviour but i have a 15 year old daughter and she is head and shoulders above them when it comes to attitude,she can wipe the floor with them if she so chooses ,i have pointed out that fact to her and reminded her sometimes hurtful things said can never be unsaid so to be mindful.
She is lovely sweet kind and thoughtful but boy does she have a scorpions sting!

Hi OP, just a perspective from a former horrible teenager - I was absolutely dreadful with my mum, she was tearing her hair out and I remember her going and sitting in her car quite a bit too!

I just wanted to say hang in there, it will pass, I have turned into a pleasant, competent and moral human being who emulates my mother as a role model in a lot of ways.

when I reflect on those times I think mainly that a) I was very unhappy for mainly normal teenage reasons b) my mum’s parenting style wasn’t ‘wrong’ but it didn’t suit me - it was very strict and made me feel unbelievably angry so I rebelled all the time. I also felt like she really didn’t like me (probably true at that moment but didn’t help) and c) I hate saying this now but I was just quite amoral in many ways - the impact of my actions on other people wasn’t clear in the way it is now. I feel very bad for this in retrospect.

you might also like the book, ‘Hang on to your kids’ by Gabor Maté.

Does anybody on this thread know how to PM, please? ave tried on the main site but still can't work it out. I will message later as I'm just going out now, OP.

One of mine was literally unbearable 13/17.
Is now a lovely loyal kind hearted biggest supporter. Improved steadily once left school. And again leaving college in year 13.
I aged 10 years in about 3 though. You can literally see it in the photos

I do get what you are saying. Today has been a shit show in our house. Must be something in the water as they're all crying and arguing. Sigh. Ironically most of the shit show was coming home from watching that inside out 2 film, which teen DD insisted she must watch and be included. Hoping the match later distracts them a bit 🤞🏾

I’m probably going to get some flack for this but I think people with teens who behaved because they “weren’t allowed” to be awful are lucky. It’s like people with babies who sleep through from day 1 and toddlers who don’t tantrum, a lot of it depends on your child and not parenting.

All you can do is your best, and make whatever decisions seem right at the time.

It might appear that the OP's DD is using food as a weapon for attention, but having been through this with a DC, it doesn't take long for the eating disorder to be the thing that is controlling your daughter.

It can develop into a medical condition, and with all due respect, should not be treated like something that should be ignored.

It shouldn't be brushed aside like some normal teenage drama / tantrum that will fix itself once it's reached a certain point.

When people develope anorexia, it causes physiological changes. I'm posting this so that anyone else reading this hopefully doesn't dismiss behaviours around food, not because I'm suggesting that this is the case with the OP's DD.

We were lucky and the teenage years were an absolute breeze with our 2 boys. I have friends whose kids turned into complete arseholes.

I certainly wasn't a perfect teen. I was a right misery a lot of the time. But I wasn't rude or venomous (usually).

Exactly. I wasn't a horrible teenager because I wouldn't have been allowed to be!

I had the odd door slamming moment but my mum actually backed me up because my dad was an arse on that occasion.

I'm on the app, too.
It used to be so simple to private message back in the day.

Can I ask, is your daughter showing any signs of malnutrition? Are you happy to share what type of foods she will eat?

I have very recent experience of restricted eating with one of my DCs, which did develop into anorexia. My DC was referred to Eating Disorder specialists and has now come out the other side. No intention of scaremongering at all, and your daughter might not be heading that way.

I noticed some advice posted from someone who was anorexic, and just wanted to say that medical advice has changed massively.

I know that CAMHS has a huge waiting list, but I managed to get DC an urgent referral, and was seen within a few days.

I don't want to dominate the thread, but am happy to share my experience. It sounds similar to yours in some ways.

They are - it shows it’s not inevitable, you don’t have to accept it as ‘just teenagers’.

Dear OP, your daughter needs support, she is unhappy, and acting out by not eating is a way to get your attention that all is not right with her emotionally. First thing, find an independent nutritionist or holistic wellness practitioner who can gently but firmly explain to her how important it is for her to eat well for her future mental and physical health. An eating plan could be drawn up to ensure she eats regularly, and doesn't slip into a spiral of starving herself. While doing this, she needs you to be there for her, with boundaries around how she treats you - basic respect a minimum - yet with your assurance that you are interested in her emotional wellbeing. You and your partner can be a solid team to help her. Don't be put off by her behaviour. Love her as well as you can, ramp up family time together and discourage screen use as much as possible. There can be a million reasons for misbehaviour. Over time, with loving curiosity, you will discover what is going on for her. A hugely helpful website (and book) to get you started with understanding 'emotional eating' issues is https://www.everywomanover29.com/blog/about/ Trudy Scott treats children as well as adults, and knows a lot about how food influences mood and can be used to support us emotionally and physically. Good luck. I hope you can restore the closeness with your daughter soon.

Fantastic advice thank you.

You are so right 😆

I have 2 DDS in there late twenties now and are wonderful young women and we have a great relationship. But my God the teenage years were the most difficult times different reasons for each DD but they would drive me to despair. I found it a very hard time lots of sleepless nights.I dont know what advice to give. But don't beat yourself up and blame yourself it happens to the best of us. you can navigate your way through this and in time it will be a distant memory.

We went through an absolute shitshow of a teenage time. Sometimes all the parenting strategies in the world won’t change some teen’s behaviour - their brains are in meltdown and those closest bear the brunt.

I don’t have knowledge of dealing with eating disorders so I won’t comment on that.

A book I found invaluable was Gabor Mate, Hold onto your kids.

The 3 things I did that made a difference to me:

1- I stopped looking for apologies and instead swapped to very short responses to our teen being abusive. Eg - “your language is abusive and I don’t accept it’. That way you can feel some control.

2- don’t isolate yourself. If anything have more friends and family round to your house than before. Tell your friends and family that you’re struggling and you need them to be around for you. Allow yourself to laugh and have fun in your own home. Most teens are better behaved when other people visit and it allows your teen to see you through the eyes of others and realise that their view of you is the outlier. ‘Accidentally’ allow your teen to eavesdrop on your conversations with others where you praise them but don’t overdo it or they will see thru it.

3- Look after your own mental health. Go out, do stuff, have fun. This cd last for a while so approach it as if you’re in for the long haul.

I have the loveliest, most emotionally intelligent young adults now. They appreciated the unrelenting love they received even if they didn’t show it. There is hope 😀

DD1 was awful from about 12 to 16, no drinking or anything just sheer relentless rudeness. I often used to sit and cry because it was so horrible and thankless (not when she could see me). I didn’t let her get away with things but it didn’t seem to sink in that she just couldn’t speak to me in such an awful way until suddenly, she changed at about 17 and is now ok.

Now it’s DD2’s turn although it’s a totally different kind of difficult and she isn’t doing it deliberately because she has depression/anxiety. Looking back DD1 was actually easier to deal with and I wish from the bottom of my heart that DD2 was being rude instead of sitting in her room 24/7 and not speaking to anyone.

I’ve had to make a conscious decision over the past year or so to look after myself and do things for me, because otherwise I’ll break down. In fact I still might!

Sending strength and positive thoughts to anyone else who is in the middle of it all!