Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

oakleaffy,
Don't want to out myself, or derail but unfortunately we lost him to cancer. I'm fine, but it took me a while to stop raging at the injustice.
No grandchildren, but a wonderful DIL who has recently become engaged to a wonderful man.

I hate it, I have dd13. I tried so hard for many years to be a good parent. I did all the things I should have. Now I’m the worst parent who can’t get her to school every day, I ground her and can’t get her to stick to it. I lock her phone and she finds other devices or uses friends phones. She screams at her sister my partner and myself, she slams doors for no reasons, she wants to drink and vape and hang around the streets.
12 months ago she was training in a competitive sport 3/4 times a week, getting top marks in her school test and now, no training and below average grades. I don’t even know what to do or how to help her. I feel she is going off the rails and I’m just watching

The problem with any threat is that it becomes powerless if you don't follow through. You might want to stand up to a horrible teenager but would you actually kick them out? And if you did, what kind of relationship do you imagine you would have in the future?

Remember that movie “Mommie Dearest?” Joan Crawford made her daughter eat bloody raw steak (it was gross) for breakfast the next morning because she didn’t finish her supper the night before. And then for lunch.
NO WIRE HANGERS!!!
Remind your daughter that life with you could be sooo much worse and she should really lighten up.
Immediately.

OP, I was going to post here recently regarding my daughter but was scared of the judgement.

Posters saying “have hard boundaries, do this, do that”.
It doesn’t work (for me/us).

A poster above said “refuse to do anything, e.g. washing, so she’ll go to school in dirty uniform”
That wouldn’t work. My daughter would just refuse to go to school. She is currently on 68% attendance.

I feel like a shit mum. Friends have asked how I cope. Antidepressants seem to be working for me to an extent.

My daughter is 13. She is vile, hurtful, rude, violent, selfish, abusive. If she was a friend or partner, she’d be long gone. She is a rude, facetious shit at school.

I let her go to friends for sleepovers, because it’s the only respite her sister and I get (I’m a single mum).

She smashed her iPhone (accidentally) so it was replaced on insurance. Two weeks later, she thew the new one down on the floor in a rage, and smashed it completely, because I had put screentime on.

She’s slapped me recently. When she was younger she threatened me with knives.

I get called cunt, bitch, retard, fat cow, etc.

She has tried to jump out of my car while I was driving. Grabbed the steering wheel another time.

Found a shop that sold her vodka and got drunk on it in a park recently.

Awaiting private assessments for “undiagnosed learning needs” (school’s words) that my parents have kindly said they’ll pay for. Still on waiting list for camhs and counselling.

She has been fairly awful since birth but always manageable. Now, it’s another level.

Her 10 year old sister is a dream. Always has been.

My partner is amazing and ignores the tantrums and helps out with things she wants to do. I guess to try and win her over.

Hello I was the teenage daughter from hell and put my parents though hell. However, I am now a model adult with a good relationship with my parents 😊

That sounds truly awful.
My neighbours who fostered and adopted difficult teens actually stopped fostering teenaged girls as they couldn't keep them safe- for reasons you mention.

Literally the girls would bust out of windows to get to be with ''boyfriends'' who were most likely groomers.

Police out looking, but only half heartedly as the girls were so obsessed with their ''boyfriends''. {Older men with cars}

These men can spot a vulnerable and ''needy'' teen at 100 paces, and home in like an Exocet missile.

Boys were easier to manage.

Hope things somehow improve for you all.

Boundaries also make them (DC) feel safe.
My Dd went through ED, self harm, school refusal, depression and anxiety, and I had myriad sleepless nights, missed work, arguments with DP about it, BUT DD always knew I was there for her.

Lots of girls with eating disorders turn out to have ASD. Your first daughter is autistic, do you think there is a possibility that your second daughter might be too, though presenting differently?

When my sister had problems with her teenage DD she did a kind of love bombing. She texted her to tell her that she loved her and asked if she would come away with her for a weekend - somewhere of her own choosing. They did this a few times and it did put their relationship on a better track.

I've not had any problem with mine, but she's the first of 5! I have always had strict boundaries, especially when it comes to answering back, rudeness, attitude etc. Always been really picky about the way they speak to me!

I can cope with messy bedrooms, climbing on the furniture, laziness - but not rudeness.

I don’t have an answer but I feel for you.

It sounds like she is struggling with mental health issues. She's crying out for help.

It's strange, isn't it..

Maybe it's jealousy and resentment? ''Mum favoured my sister/brother over me''?

But it's true- so many people on here say they find their mothers annoying {same with mothers in law}.

All the posts about 'Going no contact'.. is it how things are dealt with nowadays?

Cutting someone off because you find them annoying?

That seems very sad.

Once DS broke his leg and was at home - we watched ''Jeremy Kyle'' - and it was shocking at how callous and horrible some birth mothers were.

Deeply selfish, had clearly hurt their adult children a lot, yet would not apologise to admit any wrongdoing whatsoever.

Maybe people who go no contact have mothers like this.

I'm going through similar with my 14 DD. I've spent sleepless nights with the police out trying to find her so many times. She even jumped out of a 2-story window so she could go out. She has autism and ADHD. She has an unhealthy "obsession" with friendships. Something we are working on through therapy. She is absolutely vile to me. It's honestly broken us. We are hitting nearly 2 years of this, and I am just absolutely numb now. I have tried every version of parenting you can think of. She has plenty of support. Nobody knows why she's doing this. There's no abuse or bullying. No trauma in her life.

I'm worried for her for her future. I'm worried about if our relationship will recover. I'm just exhausted and numb. It's like we are in an abusive relationship that we can't escape. Me and her father are just broken.

I hope you find some sort of peace soon.

Yeah you can tell her she is an arsehole. Do it in a calm way though with an explanation as to how she is impacting on you. I did it with my DD (not that exact word), told her it was hurtful and asked how she would feel if someone was treating her that way. I also praised her at her good moments and achievements. About a year or 2 on she can still have some strops but nothing nasty and she shows empathy and apologises.

She has since said that restricting food made her deeply miserable all the time.

This sounds very much like my now 16 year old. Quite isolated socially but otherwise great at school, very prickly to be around at home.

Restricted eating developed into anorexia, which has now resolved, relatively well. NHS family based treatment really helped me develop the confidence to put guidelines down around her eating - which helped her. She's since been diagnosed being on the ASD spectrum.

It's tough and up and down but things overall better- hang in there!

It just HAS to be American!
I really can't imagine anyone actually using it.🤔☢️

The amount of people on Mumsnet, who hate their mothers, and cut them off completely , should prepare us for the fact that sometimes, no matter how hard we try to bring our children up well, and care for them, they view it all very differently.

And they think we are terrible people, forever.

People who choose to adopt are taking on very hurt children.

I haven't yet met an adoptive parent who doesn't absolutely do their utmost for their child, and advocate for them despite some really challenging behaviours.

Attachment disorder is a common issue, and is much more widely known about.

It's far from easy.

You speak of him in the past tense?
I hope you are both OK.

Telling his there is nothing wrong with him was the wrong thing to say. It just tells him.thst you're not listening to him and you are minimising his emotions and worries. Just let him.speak!

Interesting to note that she's withholding food.

Most people are awful when they're hungry. Children having a growth spurt and developing feelings for piers whilst hungry doesn't sound like they will be very friendly.

Perhaps the focus might be on giving her the tools to learn when to fuel her body rather than burn a hole in your ear?

She's hangry maybe?

I can't even begin to explain how much I would have hated that as a teenager.