Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

I have four daughters; two teens and two bonus daughters who’re now in their twenties. I learned a lot from my bonus daughters when they were teens (which was really tough) and I have an amazing relationship with both my teen daughters as a result.
Firstly, it’s not personal. Keep saying that to yourself. It’s not that they’re trying to give you a hard time, it’s because they’re having a hard time.
Secondly, do everything you can to build your connection because they really do need you, they just don’t know how to be with you.
I try to always approach any situation with a curious mind, rather than judgement. I try to notice everything they do right, and give them generous feedback when they do things wrong. I do have boundaries, and they are very clear, but I’m prepared to discuss them ans negotiate if necessary.

I get things wrong often, but I admit my mistakes and my girls say it makes them feel safer admitting their own.

Those are my top tips. I have a podcast called Teenagers Untangled in which I talk a lot about parenting teens, and all of the research I’ve done for it has really helped me feel less alone in this journey,

Mine isn’t horrible but is so emotional and over reacts to everything. She has anxiety and OCD and needs help and reassurance with everything. She has meltdowns all the time. I don’t blame her, it breaks my heart to see her so unhappy, but it is very draining and difficult and really wears me down. I have to have so much patience. I miss the younger years too.

If your DD has an eating disorder, this is going to impact her mood and behaviour massively beyond ordinary teenage hormonal mood swings. It is great that you are getting specialist help. In the meantime, hang on in there. Be kind and loving and supportive - though not a doormat. She is not well and she needs you even if she acts like she doesn't. Also take good care of yourself. Cry in the car as much as you need to.

The post below mine literally says

"Tell her she is being unspeakably horrible and if she continues she'll be going to school without her clothes washed it anything done for her ever again."

All that approach will do is create lifelong resentment.

It's a teenage thing, I presume. Don't worry, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

If she did that at school she'd be arrested and charged with criminal damage and rightly so.

I'd have called the police on her tbh.

She'd get nothing out of me ever again for Christmas or birthday for that behaviour.

I've read every post on here and just offering solidarity.

To every person that says 'well I just wouldn't stand for it' Honestly what do you think you'd do differently? What gives you the moral high ground to assume people just need to do better? How dare you?

I have got 2 very different teenagers. One is so much easier to parent than the other. I'm not going to congratulate myself on that one doing great because I know it's just luck.

So to the 'boundaries and consequences' posters I would invite you to reflect on how bloody unhelpful your advice might be.

I like the PP noting on here about how often you read people going NC as adults. So perhaps the consequences of 'not taking any shit' mean you might sacrifice your relationship later on.

Hormones and wrong friends possibly . It is a lottery as friends become their priority. I understand exactly and hope it gets better soon for you.

Oh that is absolutely so horribly unfair.
It is an injustice.

You gave your lovely child who had a really tough start , love and stability.

You were lucky to have found each other.

Lucky you have a lovely Daughter in Law.

I’ve found my tribe. Thank you people. I see daughters being so sweet to their mums and it makes me want to cry.

There is obviously a mental health issue going on here so standard parenting techniques are going to have limited success, if any at all.

Been there, done that. My daughter, who had never been easy, turned out to have undiagnosed ADHD and possible autism. She is 20 now and medicated for the ADHD and is totally a different person. I hope you get the help you need and soon. None of this is your fault. We did feel like total failures most of the time and that came from other parents and even professionals. Try to find one that gets you and DD.

My son is 15 and we get the standard rudeness and disobedience but nothing on the level with had with my daughter.

This makes me so sad. I'm in my 30s, I consider myself a mild and reasonable person -- I can't remember the last time I exchanged cross words with anyone. My mum and I generally get on but she often treats me like I'm going to explode like constantly nervous and pre-managing my emotions me. I hate it so much - her anticipating me being angry when I wouldn't have been does make me irritable and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

You posting that message has made me realise for the first time that it probably all stems from my teen years when I was horrid to her and would snap for no reason. I don't recall being as awful as you describe your daughters being (but maybe I wouldn't - and I have lots of siblings so I'm sure the cumulative effect of having all of us get at her was horrid).

I hope there's a way for you to try and fix it with your daughters. I'm going to acknowledge it with my mum next time it happens and see if we can have a chat and improve things.

Just jumping on to say none of this is your fault - some kids are just like this, one of mine was and I totally relate to every word you wrote.

My eldest daughter was nothing like that but my youngest was challenging almost from birth.
youngest was always “strong willed” and disregarded pretty much any boundary we tried to set. She got worse around 9 and we experienced all the upsetting behaviour you described. Like you, I was in tears most days and felt utterly useless as a mother. If she saw me upset she was scathing - told me I was pathetic and needy. She wouldn’t spend time with us, eat with us or talk to us, unless she wanted something. She refused counselling.

People who have not experienced it often imply your boundaries, threats or punishments are not strong enough, but we tried every technique out there - none worked. Having said that, I would never have threatened to kick her out of her home - because I would have had to follow it through, and she would not have come home again. She dropped out of college and often wouldn’t get out of bed all day. COVID made things worse.

Eventually, I tried to overlook the worst behaviour, kept trying to talk to her each day (was mostly rejected) and took every opportunity to praise her and tell her we love her.

We had the same issue with food as you - if we didn’t cook for her, she simply wouldn’t eat - and she is VERY slim.

OP I am sure this is a phase which will pass. You are in the thick of it now and can’t see an end. Things started to improve with my daughter when she was around 17. It has been (still is) a very slow process, but she is now a LOT better - she is now 19, drives, has an apprenticeship and friends and is getting increasingly communicative with us. She is occasionally affectionate, which means so much!

I don’t know if it was hormones or life which made her temporarily vile, but she is definitely coming out the other side, and I think your daughter will too. Hang on in there OP. Do not blame yourself. Start each day afresh with your daughter. There is hope. Big hugs.

That’s what I would have thought. Then I had her. And it’s all well and good saying that, but in reality it doesn’t work like that with some teens, as you’ve read in this thead.

So fucking unhelpful.

To all the struggling mums here - I’m so sorry. I’m sorry your kids are so awful to you. I don’t know why they’re so awful and I doubt they know why they’re so awful. I wish I could snap my fingers and magically make them all sweet and kind and loving and I wish I was able to send you all to Hawaii for 8 weeks for a nice relaxing break.
Sending love to each of you. ❤️

All good in theory but if she has ASC and Anorexia boundaries and consequences will not necessarily be that effective.

Sorry @F11 it can be really really awful. So many threads on here go on about how wonderful their teens are. I have 6 dc 3 of them girls and they have all pushed me right to the edge. One broke the sitting room chairs into pieces- took them into the garden- wrote fuck you with them and sent me a photo of it.
Hellish.

I love your style

Went to the GP re fast weight loss, (later than I should have, it suddenly just crept up on me that it had got out of hand). She had lost 2.5 stone in 2 months. GP was excellent as she was worried about potential damage to DD's heart and she pushed hard to have referred her to the local ED service. I think it took less than a fortnight for her to be assessed, and the assessor told her kindly but firmly that if she kept losing weight at the same pace, they would stop her going to school. That brought her up really sharp as she is academic and ambitious.

Family based treatment started about a fortnight later but tbh, she had already decided in her own mind that anorexia was not for her, the staff were excellent though. They gave me the confidence to manage more at home, eg not allowing physical exercise. I think by that time, she wanted the boundaries from me. The appointments lasted about 4 months.

The ASD referral process had been put in place by a locum GP we saw a year earlier. The waiting list was 2 years - she was diagnosed this summer. Tbh, I think it gave her the reassurance that she wasnt just 'weird' (her words!) ASD girls are over represented in people with eating disorders.

If you are worried about food restricting and any weight loss subsequently, I would flag it asap. Once it has a firm grip, it can be much harder.

DD restored an acceptable amount of weight, eats v regularly, still has anxieties but copes with them, she knows she has to eat well and regularly. She does a fair bit of exercise but not driven. I have hidden the scales despite requests to bring them out 'just to check'.

I just wouldn't take it. Simple as that. You wouldn't tolerate abuse from a stranger in the street why would you accept that in your own home from family? No chance. I'm a softie sometimes but I'm not being spoken to or treated like a piece of shit for anyone. Tell her you're not accepting that behaviour, explain your boundary/consequence and stick to it.

I’m not sure if she realises yet but she’s only just turned 18 and I’ve never tried to have a conversation about her past behaviour, I’m just glad it’s changed. Maybe one day in the future we’ll be able to talk about it. She must know her behaviour at home was unacceptable because she was always polite to friends’ parents - sometimes I bumped into her friends’ mum who’d tell me how lovely and helpful DD was and I genuinely thought she must be talking about someone else!

Are you sure she isn't Autistic too

The sudden change could
Indicate she can't mask anymore and restricted eating is a red flag to me

@F11 i think a few people have said this, but I really think you may not have one ND child, you have two. Self knowledge could be really powerful for her - id have a look with her at some videos on high masking girls/women, you could say it is for you and you want her opinion etc?

Does DD1 know how bad she was and has she any explanation for it?