Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

Seriously? Bully for me? This isn’t a parenting competition. And there was no smugness on my part whatsoever. Parenting is hard whether there are ND, ED, and any of the other external factors that affect teenagers today - many that I personally did not have to contend with. I did not say that fear should not part of a strategy, nor should it be dismissed. What I said was it is not part of my parenting style. I personally prefer to replace fear with faith but I do respect everyone’s differences. Something you appear not to …

Bully for you. Fear is a perfectly reasonable strategy and one my DD’s team understood and validated.

Why? Crying is a normal emotion.

I do have a ND teen with a ED fyi. And with respect I am not at all ‘ignorant’ in the handling of either of those situations. I handle them on a daily basis. But fear is not part of my parenting strategy, nor is it part of the incredible team that supports my DD.

Of course you fucking do. It's obviously an OP problem. If it was YOU, her DD wouldn't exhibit such behaviour, you simply wouldn't ALLOW it.

@PeloMom

people like to express affection for those they love. Most children need that kind of physical touch.

Your post clearly illustrates how ignorant you are as regards handling ND and an ED.

”I wouldn’t fear her not eating”

Trust me you would when she’s in HD with a dangerous heart rate needing to be force fed by tube. I never found acceptance of my daughter’s body looking skeletal or of her being terrified of food. Anorexia takes hold quick. A malnourished brain is very hard to turn round particularly when in the head of a ND child with a fixed mindset.

There is no place for smuggary on this thread. Perfect parenting is pretty meaningless when you have a ND teen with an ED.

hi OP, I hate to say this but I see red flags here when you talk of her restricting food and also the flip in personality to aggressive behaviour. She could be on the verge of an eating disorder. Act fast. Contact Beat and discuss what you are experiencing with them. They will help/know. Hopefully I’m completely wrong but it really is best to check/rule out x

@ByCupidStunt @BBCK I am with you both - I am the same.

It isn’t your fault my DD is the same she has almost broken me and her Dad, MH issues, self harm, eating disorder - will not eat if we don’t negotiate with her in a way she finds ok. Will not eat if she doesn’t like what we have - this can go on for days. I always cave in and get her whatever she wants - she is under the ED team now thank god!!

I have a peer support worker as I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I try and separate her behaviour linked to MH/ eating and just general nastiness- we tackle the nastiness (it’s difficult she is 18 and just leaves the house when something happens she doesn’t like!) and follow the care plan she has in place around her health. Things are slightly better at the minute. But you are not alone, take care xxx

It is easy to say this if you have never experienced the abuse of a teen daughter. It broke me too.

No.it isn't. Don't do that.. families can move on and they do!

God glad you had this reaction, that is horrendous advice to plan to kick out a child. 14 is more difficult than “terrible twos” but if you take on being a parent, you parent, not dump them on SS when they are not so cute anymore and it gets hard?!

I thought long and hard beforehand because of the teenage years!

My otherwise lovely girl turned into a nightmare ahead of and during the GCSE’s. She is settling down a bit now once the intensity is over - but don’t pussy-foot . They seem to actually hate the weakness. You need to have it out with her. Or at least that’s what I had to do. Explain that you are a valued person - to yourself- to the rest of the family - to your family, your friends etc. that you have put all of this effort into ensuring that her GCSE’s went well for her. And that you are not having it.

In our case - there was a sustained case of bullying going on in the background but I explained to her that whilst we countered that ( together - single parent)- she couldn’t treat me like sh*t when the mood took her. It’s like it becomes a habit. Anyway. Best of luck.

PS please ignore all the smug parents like the one about three posts back.

It's not because of bad parenting. Anyone with actual experience will tell you that.

It's like the parents with a perfect baby who keeps through the night boasting about their parenting skills.

Massive eye roll but that's the general public for you. Like Brexit voters - ignorant.

I feel like this too. One of mine was/is awful and the other very difficult. They had a good home life (which they sometimes admit) and were very much loved. Their behaviours have changed me and I am a shell of the person I was. Although things have improved as they have moved past the teenage years I no longer feel the same about them as they completely broke me and I can’t put myself back together. It’s all very sad but I don’t think they realise how badly their behaviour affected me and I can’t change how I feel.

@geekone that book is hugely expensive

I don’t think you should be taking the behaviour personally, I know it can be hard sometimes but better to take a step back from it. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Set boundaries and remain measured. Be clear about your expectations but don’t get drawn in to the drama.

It doesn’t go well and can cause lasting damage on both sides you don’t maintain the adult high ground in this situation.

I was a horrible teenage girl. It ended at uni and got better ever since. I promise you it will pass ❤️

My dd14 is absolutely awful just now, angry, cruel and selfish. I feel terrible guilt when I get a chance to do something with the my younger dc without her it’s such a relief not to have to deal with her and we can actually enjoy ourselves. She is autistic and I think she is finding everything really hard at the moment so lashing out.

I was a really horrible teenager and I’m not so bad now though so I’m optimistic she will grow out of it eventually. I still get the occasional glimpse of the lovely person she was and still is underneath it all.

Oh wow this is so sad. Sorry this happened to you. I’m slightly terrified now as have one of each but still babies.

I wouldn’t fear her not eating

At what point would you worry then? If you knew your child had a MH condition and eating disorder? You wouldn't do anything differently?

I’m in the lucky camp for sure. And there’s not an ounce of smug in that statement because it didn’t happen by accident! But I do believe that parenting plays a part. Sorry OP it just does. I have DDs 14 & 16 and I’m a single parent. They are respectful, helpful and genuinely nice people but they need strong boundaries. I’m not here to be their bestie. I’m here to make sure that they are guided into being decent human beings that can function in the world when I’m not the captain of the ship. I find that comes from modelling good behaviour, putting in place consequences if boundaries/rules are not adhered to and always respecting them and their feelings as individuals. I’ve attended three parenting courses to date … because although there’s no manual we can be open to learning. I wouldn’t fear her not eating - there’s a division of responsibility. Your responsibility is to provide nutritious food, hers is to decide how much to eat. If she chooses not to eat what you provide, find acceptance around that and take back control. I’ve found that in percentage terms my DDs see me as great, easy going and fair 95% of the time. Because I am. But every so often I let them see a flash of the 5% they don’t know … you won’t read that in parenting books. But they need to know who’s running the show!

PS it gets better. It's still not perfect but it's better 🙏

Oh gosh, I was thinking this could be me and then I noticed the food restricting.

Dd1 stsrted like this, and it turned out had anorexia. With early and quick intervention she recovered. It wasn't the end of the MH problems, but at least that wasn't as difficult or intractable as EDs can feel.

I wish you all the best with it. Just remember when you're at those times when you're crying in the car and getting called all kinds of nasty and evil things - that was me too - that you are in fact the best parent of them all because you are having to go through so much. You are stronger, you are more resilient, not less. You have to be.

Try Partnering not Parenting on Facebook if things get really bad. Its part of parenting mental health. Take a deep breath first though, it's not an easy path.