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Original poster

Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

357 replies

F11 · 14/07/2024 15:55

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:23

So you are both scared. Being anxious about her eating also doesn't mean you need to let her treat you like shit. Dies she have a counsellor?

Just been referred to CAMHS. Refused counselling privately

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 14/07/2024 16:23

F11 · 14/07/2024 16:13

Does anyone have any tips? Do I tell her she's an arsehole? Or keep pussy footing around her?

I have told my DDs they have been a bitch before (I said it on a thread about swearing in front of your children and the mothers of toddlers were horrified). I have a 15yo and a 16yo. TBH they are pretty fab but like all teenagers they have their moments (DD1 has just invited all her friends to ours to watch the football tonight, I'm Scottish so not happy about this so we're eating Tapas tonight). I do like teenagers though, much prefer this stage to preschoolers, well, most of the time. DH I think preferred the adoration when they were little 😅.

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:23

ICantLogIn · 14/07/2024 16:22

Oh god. Our younger one has just turned 13 and it's like a switch has flipped. Her brother was awful for a while: it was like living with an abusive person in the house, hardly daring to speak to him for fear of setting him off. But then, he also had bad anxiety, which is now under control (thank you fluoxetine) and ADD (thank you delmosart) and ASD. Which is permanent obviously but I guess it comforted us to know why he couldn't be convinced he was in the wrong. Whereas with the younger one, it's baffling. And so hurtful. But we cling to the hope that it's temporary.

I am clinging to this hope! I miss her so much

OP posts:
Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:22

Right every time I'm going to say something from now on. Not walk out and sit in the car!

OP posts:
ICantLogIn · 14/07/2024 16:22

Oh god. Our younger one has just turned 13 and it's like a switch has flipped. Her brother was awful for a while: it was like living with an abusive person in the house, hardly daring to speak to him for fear of setting him off. But then, he also had bad anxiety, which is now under control (thank you fluoxetine) and ADD (thank you delmosart) and ASD. Which is permanent obviously but I guess it comforted us to know why he couldn't be convinced he was in the wrong. Whereas with the younger one, it's baffling. And so hurtful. But we cling to the hope that it's temporary.

Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:21

F11 · 14/07/2024 16:20

He is the same as me. We are scared about her not eating.

So you are both scared. Being anxious about her eating also doesn't mean you need to let her treat you like shit. Dies she have a counsellor?

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:21

geekone · 14/07/2024 16:20

Try reading Uncommon sense for Parents with teenagers. Some of it is a bit American but it gives you an idea why they are rubbing you up the wrong way and what you are doing the same. It’s got both perspectives.

I also found HRT helped 😂

edited for book name.

Edited

Yes I'm well aware that the hormones are all over the place my end too!

OP posts:
Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:20

F11 · 14/07/2024 16:19

Generally when I point it out she is nice for a few hours or a day, then it starts again

Show quote history

OK then every time she starts say no do not talk to me like that then remove yourself from the situation.

Please don't think it's normal for dds to behave badly tontheir mum's

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:20

He is the same as me. We are scared about her not eating.

OP posts:
geekone · 14/07/2024 16:20

Try reading Uncommon sense for Parents with teenagers. Some of it is a bit American but it gives you an idea why they are rubbing you up the wrong way and what you are doing the same. It’s got both perspectives.

I also found HRT helped 😂

edited for book name.

Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:19

F11 · 14/07/2024 16:17

Okay I get that it's my fault. I have been pandering to her because she won't eat if I don't give her the food she will eat.

Ah now that's a bit different. I would give her the food she eats but if she's really horrible to you I'd stop or ask your dh to do it for a bit. Where's your partner in all this?

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:19

Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:17

Have you asked her calmly and directly why she is being so horrible and does she realise quote how mean she's being? Has something happened out of the home?

Generally when I point it out she is nice for a few hours or a day, then it starts again

OP posts:
MabelMoo23 · 14/07/2024 16:18

I have two young daughters. And already the 8 year old has moments. And I have flashes as to what the teenage years might look like and it really scares me

I try to remind myself I was a shitbag too and pray it won’t be too hard.

socks1107 · 14/07/2024 16:18

I feel you're upset! We've had 3, 1 was a pain mouthy, thought she knew it all but is now 20 and lovely. A genuine pleasure and some days when she was 15 I dreaded waking her up!
The second ( sd) is vile. Nasty to me, nasty to her mum and more nasty to dad. Absolutely horrible young adult.
The third has her moments but is fairly good on the whole.
It's been one of the most testing time. I'll never get over some of the things my sd has done to us so I understand when you say that

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:18

How is she with other people? Is she horrible to everyone or just you/dad?

Just us

OP posts:
Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:17

Okay I get that it's my fault. I have been pandering to her because she won't eat if I don't give her the food she will eat.

OP posts:
Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:17

Have you asked her calmly and directly why she is being so horrible and does she realise quote how mean she's being? Has something happened out of the home?

AquaFurball · 14/07/2024 16:17

F11 · 14/07/2024 15:55

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

How is she with other people? Is she horrible to everyone or just you/dad?

OptimismvsRealism · 14/07/2024 16:17

None of my friends were horrible when we were teenagers and nor was I.

I knew my mum would kick me out/stop supporting me if I behaved like a c word.

Maybe you need to start that culture.

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:16

sentfrmmyiphone · 14/07/2024 16:15

put your foot down and say no, as well as listening to them, are they acting out for other reasons? does she feel that DD1 is getting all the attention?

I've no idea why she changed. I think she might be depressed and is restricting food.

OP posts:
Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:16

I have boundaries. I will not pander. I do not allow anyone to talk to me in an abusive way. If mine did I would immediately stop doing things for them and remind them that I am a human being and should be treated with kindness.

At the same time I make a big thing of even the smallest bit of good behaviour.

sentfrmmyiphone · 14/07/2024 16:15

put your foot down and say no, as well as listening to them, are they acting out for other reasons? does she feel that DD1 is getting all the attention?

Hazeby · 14/07/2024 16:15

ByCupidStunt · 14/07/2024 15:58

My son was OK. My 2 daughters were unspeakably awful. So awful, it's changed who I am. Changed my whole personality, even 10 years later. I'm still wary of them.

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting some lip, some staying out without permission, some boozing in the park with mates etc etc, but the open hostility, venom and hatred broke me.

You wrote this so eloquently and it made me sad to read. I’m sorry they were like that.

Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:14

sentfrmmyiphone · 14/07/2024 16:14

i have 2 DD's... never had a days bother with either of them behaviour wise (a few bumps along with way with MH issues) but they were awesome children.

Lucky you

OP posts:
Original poster
F11 · 14/07/2024 16:14

Collexifon · 14/07/2024 16:13

I had three teenage girls and none of them were horrible. So it's not a given.

That said I feel for you OP.

Do you think she suspects you prefer dd1?

No, we were always very close and dd1 closer to dad. I really don't think she thinks that. I thought I had the best kids but she's turned

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