Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

Sorry, we also found TikTok time to be an issue. He was too tired to do much and spent too much time on his phone so we put on parental restrictions. 1h TikTok per day and completely blocked all phone time by 10pm. He hated us for about a week but it’s the best thing we did tbh.

Op change in mood and restricted eating sounds worrying. Absolutely tell her calmly she cannot speak to you like that but also find ways to open up communication.You could try a mother/daughter journal...you write in it and leave it on her bed and she writes back and leaves it on your bed .Start with telling her 10 things you love about her.There is one you can buy on amazon which has prompts but you can do your own.I was recommended this when my daughter was having counselling and it turned into a really good thing.It should be positive though...like her birth story or your most embarrassing moment.Sounds wooly but it got us talking again.Do little things like sit next to her when she is watching TV, rub her arm as you walk past, put your phone down when she comes in, ask if she wants to join you on supermarket trips, take her for a drive.Don't ask her how she is feeling-she might not know- just that you are there if she wants to talk. Clear reminders that you are here if she needs help but rudeness won't be tolerated.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have 4 teens at home. The eldest 2 (now 19 &17) were a dream. They both play competitive sports and I think this really helped. 19-year-old is male and 17 is female. I also have a 14-year-old daughter who also plays competitive sports, and this seems to keep her grounded. No lip or disprespect. But OMG, my 12-year-old (very soon to be 13) is awful. She is rude, disrespectful, won't stick to anything and absolutely drains me. We had a day last September which I still feel emotionally drained about.

I had a DS who went totally off the rails around 15. Weed, staying out, not knowing where he was. It was horrendous. 7 years on its a distant memory.

At the time, I started off trying to be reasonable but in the end I basically said "behave how you want, I don't care, but if you want to be treated nicely and with respect then you treat me nicely and with respect. Don't be expecting me to be running round after you, doing your laundry or cooking you meals if you can't act like one of the family. I am not putting up with your crap"

So I did just that, basically just acknowledged his presence, was polite, didn't get annoyed, just let him get on with it. If he came into the kitchen when I was making a drink I offered him one. If he appeared when I was just starting to cook, I asked if he wanted anything.

For the first week or so I think he enjoyed the "freedom" but it wore off quite quickly.

Why not?

sorry another thing.

her bad mood will be being caused by lack of food. Was always called it hangry before we realised the problem.

Now he is eating more he’s much more pleasant to be around.

if she can get the eating sorted your DD will be back.

I find this deeply misogynistic - and completely untrue.

I'm sorry parents have a hard time but no bloody wonder if you're so ready to be so unpleasant about an entire sex and age group.

Parenting teenagers is stressful because there is so much to worry about, the sleep deprivation of babyhood is echoed in a way that was absent in the primary to early secondary years due to late night lifts and generally feeling "on call" but that's not the teenagers ' fault and we shouldn't put it on them. Consistent boundaries and natural consequences coupled with them knowing that when it comes to anything important you always have their backs and unconditionally love them is hard, but no harder than the chronic sleep deprivation and velcro attachment and 24/7 demands of some babies and toddlers (not all babies and toddlers are the same and obviously that applies to teenagers too).

My nearly 19 year old daughter has her grumpy moments and there have of course been little incidents and phases, but she's lovely and essentially always has been! I also have two teenage sons - none of them are in any way horrible, they're all three pretty wonderful company and can be so helpful and thoughtful as well as hilarious - and girls are neither more or less difficult than boys, though the reasons to worry are in some cases different.

I have worked with teenagers and young adults most of my life and teenagers can be challenging but are not horrible as a group and teenage girls are not universally more difficult than teenage boys.

It's really deeply unhelpful to any parent's relationship with their daughter to go around calling her a cow behind her back or issuing blanket dismissals of all girls between 13 and 19 as automatically horrible.

Up my DS refuses to speak to anyone about it too. He goes to CAMHS but doesn’t really engage but he’s scared to be banned from playing golf and football or being stopped
from going to lunch with his pals. That’s made the difference.

I have teens...they can be utterly vile...it's like living with people who despise you yet constantly ask you to do stuff for them. Fun times! Sending you lots of sympathy

Do you talk openly and honestly to her? Maybe write her a letter.

Teenagers are essentially overgrown toddlers. They lash out because they are incapable of communicating their feelings effectively.

Things that I’ve found helpful are

• Talk to them in the car, it takes the pressure off a bit
• Texting them can be a calmer way to communicate and sometimes it’s easier for them to open up.
• Praise literally any good things you can
• Draw your hard boundaries and then let the rest wash over you.

They do come out the other side it just takes time and patience.

She doesn't have to talk to you about things if she doesn't want to. But you have to make it clear that you have a line and she cannot cross it.

You would be surprised at how much calmer sorting out the hormones makes to your relationship, I was surprised.

I get the not eating, sadly my DS14 has developed disordered eating, we are doing what we can but it’s hard. He thankfully seems to be recovering. We went to CAMHS the ED section is a separate section and they are much quicker at reacting as it’s life and death.
toddlers are so much easier.

Can you afford a private counsellor?

God it must be tiring hating English football so much!

I really hate this kind of comment. Please stop stereotyping teenage girls in this awful negative way.

I'm very sorry if you and other posters are having a hard time with your teenage daughters, but teenage girls en masse are not "horrible". My dd is nearly out of her teens now and has been an absolute delight all through - self aware, thoughtful and respectful towards those around her. Most of her friends are the same.

You need boundaries. Respect yourself. You can be very kind towards her and still not tolerate being spoken to like shit.

The restricting food would be more worrying to me than being dreadful. Have you talked to her about that?