Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

You keep repeating that she’s restricting food and you’re worried about this. Are you worried she’s developing an eating disorder?

I was anorexic as a teen and young adult, the best thing my parents did for me through that period was 1) let me eat what I would eat and make sure there was plenty of that in the house 2) never pressured me to eat 3) sent me to a private psychotherapist

I will freely admit I was horrible to live with at that time, but I had crap going on that no one knew about and I wasn’t able to process.

That does not mean all teenagers girls are vile. My female cousins and nieces have all been lovely through their teenage years.

Between 14-18 I was a vile ungrateful cunt through no fault of my poor mum and dad.It certainly wasn't my upbringing.
I got in with the wrong crowd and i deeply regret it.
I came out the other side at 18 thankfully.

This is the one we used.Just a suggestion.It's so bloody hard having an unhappy teen.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Between-Us-No-Stress-No-Rules/dp/0811868958/ref=asc_df_0811868958/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697333251527&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4988388999052862524&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006512&hvtargid=pla-331219133959&psc=1&mcid=cd4c9829372e3936a9e17dbc5cf9a0ca&th=1&psc=1&gad_source=1

Sorry but girls or boys it's the luck of the draw.

My DS eldest was amazing zero drama and a dream

DS 2 is almost 17 now and we've had 3-4 years of him being a rude, entitled, nasty little prick. He's caused us nonstop arguments as my DH was not prepared or able to cope with the change, so I've had to teach him how to parent differently but afraid he defaults to shouting and loosing his shit.

He's challenged all parts of my brain for the last 4 years.

I call him out for being rude ask for him to apologise, I've remained strick, I've kept my boundaries and I've battled through this.

I find it really hard to like him at times. But I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

It's so so hard, he was a tricky toddlers as well.

@Whale80ne
i loved your post it really resonated with me (from my perspective as a mum of teen girls and a mental health professional who works with 17 years+)

some of the older teens of course have issues with the parents and I despair at some of the aggro and attitudes (to be clear the attitudes of the parents not the young people)

Op do the journal anyway even if it's just you writing in it and her reading it.Take her on car journeys even if she has her headphones in.Ask if she needs a cuddle bit respect that she might not want it and don't take it personally. She might not be able admit she likes your attention but they need us as much as they did as teens as as babies.

That's possibly not true though.

I was thinking that was rather a harsh comment, until I realised you had written trope not trollop 😱

She sounds desperately unhappy OP. I feel for both of you.

Maybe she needs to go out?

I think it's important not to agree with the lazy trope that all teenage girls are horrible.

You can control how you react. Of course you can't control another person. You just have to keep those boundaries in place. It may make the other person's behaviour worse for a bit.

But for your own sense of self you need to think no I will not accept this.

@F11
I’ve got 2 dds- one 20 and one almost 17

it is hard, and mine can be rude. But we found it goes in phases, just as you think you can’t stand any more it settles again briefly.
yes I understand what others have said about boundaries but it is easier said than done.
It’s positive in some ways that your dd is like this with only her parents and not other people. I think that they do need opportunity to be themselves at home but obviously not being abusive to family members.

I try and focus on the ‘bigger picture’
So in my case (and it will be different in other families) they are generally doing ok academically. they’ve got nice friends, they are not drinking/on drugs. Overall they are going in the right direction. at times they get shouty and I get upset but overall it’s ok. My overall plan is to keep communication open. This may involve late night listening to them, hosting their friends and other inconveniences. At times for me I choose not to nag about some of the messes they make.
It’s their home too not just mine and dh’s house!

Other people online/social media might give the impression that it’s all going beautifully for them and if that’s true I’m happy for them. However perhaps it would be more sensitive to be mindful that not everyone is experiencing this. (Reminds me of smug parents of babies who are good sleepers - and think the rest of us don’t know what we’re doing!)

You say that but that also requires the other person to cotton on and act on what they are being told. What do you do if the child is far more strong minded than this. You can't take all the credit for your children's good behaviour, some of it will be down to their own choice of taking note of your boundaries. It's easy to say do this and do that and of course the advice you give is good and that's a good example to set but I'm talking from experience where I put rules in place they don't alway work because you can't control someone's behaviour. You can teach but you can't control.