Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

My daughter was so horrible to me I was convinced she hated me. It was awful. Essentially everything I did, said, believed, wore, ate was shit. I was a shit person. Now she's grown up, delightful and we get on really well.

Literally like the old skit “Kevin and Perry”
”I hate you!!!!” To his mum
but “ Hello Mrs Patterson!”
to Perry’s mum
😂

If you chose to tell dd2 how you truly feel about her behavior, you need to understand that if you use harsh, unproductive words/feedback, keep in mind that it may backfire.

I do not believe that it is a parents job/role to tell their kids they are awful, even if they are being so. As the adult, it is imperative to model healthy communication. Imperative. No matter how difficult it gets.

You may want to look into Dr Justin Coulson, PhD from Australia… he’s brilliant with this stuff!

Actually it does.

It’s the ED that’s the problem, eating should solve the problem, being the safe place for your child and allowing them to use you to throw out all their complex feelings is your job. Yes you have to say that your not happy you have to try and put boundaries in place but venting their feelings is better than keeping them inside and using food to punish themselves.

the book “the year I didn’t eat” shows a great example of how an Eating Disorder takes over a whole household and even how it affects friendships.

peol with eating disorders don’t think they are worthwhile caring for. They rail against anyone who cares for them so they will leave them alone. Losing your shit over the extreme behaviour just makes them believe they are a piece of crap.

EDs are shitty

sounds like an amalgamation of a bunch of kids I know around that age are all receiving diagnosis of autism and ADHD, absolutely classic. Be a little bit careful with CAMHS as some people have really shit experiences with them. You must be familiar with Naomi Fisher? I would be looking heavily at low demand parenting and see if you can get some direct advice from the eating disorders team at your local hospital, there must be one. If there isn’t or they can’t help you then I’d be looking at trying to get specialist advice from charities or whatever. she’s going through a stressful time in her life, she’s going to be unable to contain herself around you because she’s keeping it together everywhere else, you know this. Don’t take it personally. She’s clearly not ok and she will come back to you, just need to navigate through this

I have a difficult teen too. Any attempt to show affection is seen as 'fake'. I would love to give him a pat or small sign of affection, but he would be repulsed by the 'fakeness'.

I admire your honesty. I find my teenage dd difficult too. She is so hostile and looks at me with contempt. As mothers we are the safe space , so they are brutal to us at times. She is very horrible to her brother, too. I tell her perhaps we should speak to her as she speaks to him .

I second that your dd may too be neurodivergent. I suspect the eating disorder may be due to her feeling the need to have control, rather than thinness related.

My 15 year old dd is a dream.. but my son?! He was awful, vile, rude, arrogant, disobedient, very naughty at home and school. It was like he changed overnight once he turned 13. Some of the most stressful years ever. He’s 19 now and a lot better but he can still have his moments.

Thank you so much for writing this, it’s comforting when people have the same experiences, not that I would ever want anyone to go through this too.
my DS lost 22kg in 4 months bradychardic, foul to live with, no energy. 14 just heading to Nat 5 age.
food this last 3 weeks has improved and he’s a much better person. Not the end of the road by a long shot but getting there. I wish you well in your journey too.

Is she being bullied by your autistic older daughter? My older autistic brothers used to bully me. My parents just let them get away with it. I have nothing to do with any of them now.
It's impossible to judge from your post what the problem or solution is. My parents think they were god's gift to parenting, but actually they were truly appalling.

My now grown up 'child' was a truly nightmare teenager. And it didn't get better, it got worse. I am so pleased for those of you whose teenage challenges passed (or didn't have them at all).

Firstly, despite her being horrible to you, sge clearly needs you and needs you to set boundaries whilst also being nurturing.
Often people become unpleasant/nasty when they are anxious or have low self esteem. I appreciate that this can be easier said than done, but i would try not to show your worry/stress about her weight loss/situation. Growing up my mother was always anxious, so if I turned to her for support, she would become anxious herself and forget to simply offer me any reassurance or a hug. I would then become anxious and frustrated because if i did tell her anything, it would stress her out and she would react in a way that would stress me out all the more. If you are pussy footing around/too anxious to raise certain issues with her directly, then inadvertently you are sending the message to her that either you don't care (which couldn't be further from the truth) or that her issues are serious, which may make her more anxious.

Instead I would try to keep things fairly relaxed and upbeat (even if a bit of a pretence), don't avoid talking about issues that are important and also don't be afraid to let her see you upset if she is mean to you. At present she probably has no idea how hurtful her words or actions are towards you. Also calmly tell her that you don't speak to her like that etc and that you expect a little more kindness in the way that she speaks to you.

When I went to Female GP about son, she said “ I have four boys and I’m DREADING teen years.

She says boys get huge testosterone surges hence the thumping doors sometimes

She suggested hard exercise
That definitely burns off a lot of energy.

She was not keen on giving teens meds to control their behaviour “ That’s neither necessary nor desirable “ was what she said.

It’s very common for teens to be difficult- It’s part of separating from you- but they do “come back”

DS was a dream until about 15-18, when he was horrendous. Now he's 24 and has been lovely for again for years. As long as they keep doing well in education and don't hang out with dodgy people, they do come back again, I promise!

The only thing that is important right now is that your dd eats

That doesn't mean OP must be treated like an emotional punchbag.

I totally understand this. it was so bad for so many reasons I feel it has affected my present relationship with her as I am frightened it’s going to start again and I feel that’s so negative and stops us from moving on and getting an adult relationship. Tough doesn’t sum it up.

Very lucky!

Hi op. This is a very different scenario to the one you posted in your op. Please get yourself on the eating disorders support thread, which is ongoing. I’ll post it below.

My dd has anorexia, as yet not diagnosed. She has lost a lot of weight and is an absolutely vile anorexic. This is normal. The body stops feeding the coretex and as a result, she has lost all empathy. She has been saying things like every day I wish you were dead, tells me all the time she hates me, that I am vile, has been violent to me etc. If you look at the thread I’m posting and read my comments and responses to them, you will get a flavour of the journey my dd is going on.

You need decent advice. The only thing that is important right now is that your dd eats. The referral to CAHMS is a good start but do be aware, diagnosis to advice and therapy can be long and we were given no support beyond take her to A&E if there are concerns.

My dd is being treated as if she has autism and PDA. We are paying privately for this with specialist eating disorder therapist but the therapist isn’t able to medically diagnose. I have spoken to the CAHMS psychiatrist and she was fine with the Ed counsellors approach.

Dh and I both have an hour with the therapist, dd also has an hour a week also. We have had to force dd to attend these meetings but they are bearing fruit. In the beginning she was eating 400/500 calories a day. Now she’s eating about 1400. Dd has also just taken her GCSEs. She only eats carrot sticks, humous, a little bit of cheese and grapes at home. Sometimes she will also eat sour cream and chive dip as well as tortilla chips. The ED specialist says that’s fine for the moment albeit far from ideal as she’s getting a reasonable amount of carb, protein and fat. I have sourced the highest calorie and protein of each of these products.

You have the added complexity that your dd is withdrawing from friends when mine has not. Please try not to get upset about how your dd is. If she is restricting and has for some time, she may be mentally ill and it’s the eating disorder talking. My dd is pretty mentally unwell. There are improvements but she still doesn’t see a problem with her eating albeit she now is able to eat.

We are also having to treat her like a year 5, ie about age 10.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5033256-support-thread-12-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?page=8&reply=136761563

Oh God :/ That sounds so bad. Is that really an age thing or did they inherit this from someone in their wider family?

One son and 2 daughters were absolutely fine and one was and still an absolute nightmare. Your mental health takes such a hit. All had the same upbringing and consequences.

There's no message about going hard on rules.

There are messages about having strict boundaries. That's different.

Why are you pussy footing around her?

Tell her she is being unspeakably horrible and if she continues she'll be going to school without her clothes washed it anything done for her ever again.

I know there's a tons of posts about going in hard on rules but be careful not to go too hard. Let her know you love her, let her feel that connection - even if she's not reciprocating. Don't let your relationship just be a battle of wills.

With the food, remove any form of control from it. If she wants to eat something let her eat that thing. Grey rock her eating habits - don't react to anything. Children and young people have virtually no control over anything in their lives - except food.

That's all screaming mental health problems to me and possible ND. I have similar with DD15 and she has over the last few years been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, ASD, OCD and PTSD and restrictive eating. Therapy is helping slowly, but we've had to pay for most of it, she is under CAMHS but they just prescribed fluoxetine for about a year and a half, we've only just recently got allocated a therapist there.

I wish I could tell you there's a quick fix, but there isn't - but one thing my DD has said to me if it helps at all, is that she knows she is vile to me sometimes, but she doesn't mean what she says, it's because she knows it's safe for her to lash out at me whereas she can't at some of the people that have caused her pain.

You have my utmost sympathy OP, it's incredibly hard

Strong boundaries.
If you say something mean it.

I do think generally boys are easier as teens than girls.
Boys can punch lath and plaster walls in frustration- and punch doors ( very unacceptable) but they don’t seem to be as nasty verbally.

Teen girls can be very sly and unkind, as opposed to door thumpy.

They do improve- but boundaries really help.
And talking to them.
Hunger made my son really “ Naughty “

I wasn’t initially aware how much food boys burn through!