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Original poster

What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

206 replies

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 12:56

Trying to keep this vague as it's outing.
Distant relative, early twenties, is going to move to my city. I offered a place at mine whilst she finds a flat. It will be for a month, and I'll be away for a lot of the time.
She popped over yesterday and ended up staying for a few hours. Spoke about her feelings a lot.
Now I'm concerned that I'm going to end up as some sort of agony aunt.
She's very vulnerable and hasn't lived on her own before. Recently cut ties with all of her family. I'm late thirties.
I feel like it's going to be a month of late nights, her talking at me endlessly, coming home drunk and me picking up the pieces.
Not only that she told me that she's just lost her job so she's going to move with presumably the intention of finding a job and finding a house, which might take a lot longer than a month.
I don't want to let her down but I don't think I can do this.

OP posts:
PartyPrepProblemo · 14/07/2024 13:19

Also why has she cut ties with family? That might be relevant

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2024 13:18

You have kids?! FGS, why on earth did you ever agree to this? Immediate action is required, you have to tell her now this will not be happening.

PartyPrepProblemo · 14/07/2024 13:18

Where is she currently living? What's the reason she's moving to your city and it has to be while she's unemployed?

I think she should work on finding a job first and looking for a place. She could stay with you when she comes down for interviews or viewings.

It doesn't sound like she will be getting a job and moving out from yours very quickly. Getting a job can take a while and she'd have to be working in order to rent a place.

It doesn't make sense as a plan.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/07/2024 13:18

She's not going to get a rental in a month without a job. You're looking at 6 months to a year at best.

Definitely do the 'on hold' until she can save a deposit+months in advance (so she doesn't lose a room for non-payment within the first two months) and pass credit checks.

thinkfast · 14/07/2024 13:18

Without a job, she won't be able to find somewhere to rent. She'll be asked to provide 3 months payslips I expect.

Let her know that she can come and stay for a month to find somewhere to rent, once she has found a new job and passed her probationary period.

birchtreeoflife · 14/07/2024 13:17

She won’t leave after a month.

Roryhon · 14/07/2024 13:16

I’d use the lack of job as an excuse to say no.

Tv23456 · 14/07/2024 13:15

She will struggle to rent without an established job reference.
Not a chance I would go forward with this.
It could be 6+ months.

A month of partying/ hanging out....snd you have children off?

Kill it dead.
She's a bit of a CF and they are not easy to get rid of.
She is not your responsibility.

Original poster
LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 13:14

@pictoosh well her job was an hours drive away so I thought she would be out most of the day and tired/happy to chill when she got back. Now without a job it's clear she wants a month of partying, finding a new social group etc. I don't begrudge her that, we were all young, but I can't put my kids through that in the summer holidays.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 14/07/2024 13:13

Springadorable · 14/07/2024 13:08

I think you need to be straight. "Oh that's bad news about your job. I guess we'll have to put the month's stay and house hunt on hold until you've got one secured as you won't be able to rent without one."

And this.

You can stop this before it starts. Do so.

BingoMarieHeeler · 14/07/2024 13:13

At the very least get her to sign a contract. Ideally get out of it!

pictoosh · 14/07/2024 13:12

OriginalUsername2 · 14/07/2024 13:03

It’s not too late to say you’ve realised it’s not a good idea.

Cheeky of her to assume she can still move in without an income.

This.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2024 13:11

She is not going to be able to rent if she doesn't have a job, so the basis of this entire proposition is out the window. It sounds as though she doesn't have a clue as to how life works yet.

You need to tell her this plan is no longer viable. Tell her right now.

FinallyHere · 14/07/2024 13:11

Springadorable · 14/07/2024 13:08

I think you need to be straight. "Oh that's bad news about your job. I guess we'll have to put the month's stay and house hunt on hold until you've got one secured as you won't be able to rent without one."

This c

pictoosh · 14/07/2024 13:10

Why did you invite a distant relative to stay with you for a protracted time, before you knew what she was like? I know it's a bit late to ask you now but what possessed you in the first place?

You are right...she is going to be hard work for you and she will not be ready to leave after a month.

Original poster
LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 13:10

@Springadorable that's a really good way of putting it

OP posts:
LibertyDuck · 14/07/2024 13:10

If she's cut ties with all of her family, then either they're toxic or she's toxic. If it's the rest of the family, I'd be inclined to let her stay and be supportive. If it's her then you'd be crazy to let her stay.

Springadorable · 14/07/2024 13:08

I think you need to be straight. "Oh that's bad news about your job. I guess we'll have to put the month's stay and house hunt on hold until you've got one secured as you won't be able to rent without one."

SummerSnowstorm · 14/07/2024 13:07

LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 13:05

@SummerSnowstorm that's my worry, it's ultra competitive here too

I would go to a few estate agents with her to give her some perspective.
Council housing might realistically be her only option.

Original poster
LemonCurdLucy · 14/07/2024 13:05

@SummerSnowstorm that's my worry, it's ultra competitive here too

OP posts:
SummerSnowstorm · 14/07/2024 13:04

Have you checked the rental market locally to you? Nearby to us you need a good wage with at least a few months history of payslips, good credit check and depending on wage also 6 months rent upfront (as well as a high damage deposit).
Even if she finds a good job and has savings it'll likely take at least 3-4 months to have enough pay slips.

Blondiebeachbabe · 14/07/2024 13:03

My friend did this for a relative. He was meant to stay for 2 weeks. He stayed for several months and she really struggled to get rid of him. He was up all night, very messy, making noise when she was WFH. I honestly would pull out now.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/07/2024 13:03

It’s not too late to say you’ve realised it’s not a good idea.

Cheeky of her to assume she can still move in without an income.

MuggleMe · 14/07/2024 13:02

What is her set up at the moment? Can she not seek a job and only move in when she has something?

RhiWrites · 14/07/2024 13:01

Tell her housing her without a job is different from one month’s flat search. Tell her to get back in touch when she has a job and you’ll see if you’re available then. (And when/if she does say that you can only do a couple of weeks.)